I won't ask you to read...

To you,

I am a believer.
Eventually everything would be all right.
Some day, I would understand the reason for my existence.
Everyday, I at least try and extend a helping hand to someone in need.
Everything has a soul--living or non living.
This too shall pass.
One day, I would be holding hand of someone who believes.

Yet, I won't ask you to believe. I promise.

I am a woman.
I am a feminist who would never endorse feminism.

I would not tell you which side you should take. I promise.

I am truthful.
It's hard for me to lie.
I am honest to the point of being blatant and rude.
I remember every lie that I tell even to myself.
I feel hurt when someone lies to me.

Yet, I would not ask you to be truthful to me. I promise.

I am a loner.
I like to spend time with myself.
I cherish talking to myself. That's how I deal with my things.

I would never ask you to try being alone. I promise.

I am a friend.
I would like to be there for someone when they want me to be there.
I may never call and ask to meet. I am concerned about disturbing.

I would never ask you to be there for me. I promise.

I pray.
I would always remember you.
I would always pray for your well-being.
For me, prayers hold power. Thus, I would always pray for you.

I would never ask you to pray. I promise.

I worry.
I don't like to show my worry but I am worried about you.
Every now and then I may text you asking you general questions.
I like to know that the people I care about are safe and sound,

I would never want you to be worried. I promise.

I am a lover.
It a a blessing to be able to love somebody.
Loving helps me accept and nurture myself as well as others.
It gives me power, serenity and sleep.

I would not ask you to love me, I would at least try. I promise.

I told you what I am. I understand that you are not me. That's the best thing about you. I respect that. We are expressions on a human face. The muscles are the same but what is being expressed is different.

We are unique creations of mother nature.

This realization makes you an indispensable part of me and my world.

I am glad that I know you.

From,
me.

Unannounced Chit-chat

Dear Amruta,

There is always so much to tell someone. Do we really find people to talk nowadays. We have so many people we could talk to but we choose not to sometimes. All are busy in their own lives.

We say that we live but do we?

I ask this question not out of any cynicism. If someone is really happy and content with what they are doing with their life, I am happy for them. I wouldn't say I don't miss a constant companion. I won't say that my habit of making friendship with all the so-called non-living things doesn't help me. Because it does. I am surrounded by them and they are the ones who are there for me constantly. Not real physical human beings. Today's world has deprived us of gatherings in the evening and took us far away from deliberately meeting each other physically. We have made it a habit to feel content with the "chats" we type. I sometimes think that after a while the phrase "having a chat" would evolve to become "typing a chat." I don't know if this is sad or happy.

We feel connected but we are not.

Sometimes, I think about a flower and the natural process of life and death it goes through. I opens up completely and then starts shrinking. I used to associate this with knowing oneself in the light of the context and then knowing oneself from within devoid of the context. Now, I associate the opening of the flower to the opening up to the society and then we start shrinking. The current social conversations sometimes make me feel that we are shrinking.

Take an example. Would you dare to enter someone else's house without ringing the doorbell even if you know them really well. Frankly, I wouldn't. When I go to my native place in a village, it is okay for them to enter each others' house unannounced. In fact, when I hesitate, they consider it offensive. Believe me, they aren't aware of what I am doing or what I think. But knowing me is enough for them to welcome me as gladly as a family member. No formalities. Here, I go to everyone's house making an appointment well in advance, making a call beforehand and still ringing the bell when I reach.

This makes me question a lot of things.

Before I talk about my questions, I would like to share a story with you. Once upon a time, a princess decided to travel. She wanted to explore the world. The king was worried. He wanted to protect his daughter. He ordered the cobbler to gather all the leather and cover the whole earth with it. A wise man then suggested the king that he rather make something that would cover his daughter's feet as that seemed to be a simpler and doable option.

To save ourselves from unwanted house-guests, we invented the door. It was indeed a barrier but we decided to live with it as it was important for safety. Tents still don't have doors. But what people living in tent know about safely?! In the spirit of personal space and safety, we developed the whole antiquate of taking an appointment or at least announcing our visit. It comes to us naturally that we don't feel that it is a barrier. We feel safer if we have prior knowledge. Our personal space is safe. When telephones came, people started being less bothered about remembering the little details as we could always confirm later. I will share my friend's example. We were in school together. We didn't have a phone initially. She would copy the homework properly. If she missed something, she would come up to my house and ask me. Once my dad bought the phone, her afternoon calls became a ritual. She would call everyday to confirm the homework. So, we became less attentive.

Now, we drop a message before we call somebody. We don't want to disturb them and trouble them. So, we developed different applications. We have developed different emoticons, stickers, etc. All these express all that we want to say through an image to achieve more accuracy of emotional expression. But you know what, with this we have developed features like block, mute, etc. So, we can be safe in our balloon.

Do you get my point now? This is what I mean by shrinking. I understand that we want to be safe. But this feels like we are afraid of everything that comes our way. The moment we are born, we know that we would die. That's the one truth from which none of us can escape. Still, we want to save ourselves. I ask "from what?" Sadness?

Are we happy after limiting our contact list like this and taking an appointment so that we can cry about our worries with a friend? To have a nice cup of coffee, we plan a week in advance. To celebrate our birthdays, people either plan really in advance or we give number of parties over weekends in our birthday month.

We have made social communication a sort of a luxury. When in reality, it is a need.

I am not saying I go unannounced everywhere. Of course, I don't. But, I have stopped worrying about people considering me mad when I talk to myself or trees, rain, clouds, computer, book, pen, pencil, etc. I know people won't have time for me. I can make better friends and if you choose to believe me, they are good.

I surely don't take an appointment with myself. I remember someone telling me that I should make a timetable and allot a time for myself. I mean, this may work with people but not me. I can't decide this is the time I would talk to myself. I am not afraid of what I feel, I am not going to gather emotions of the whole day and sort them out at one appointed time. No, you may call me unorganized, I am going to express what I feel when I feel it. I would rather sort it out then and there taking two-minute time out than wait for an appointment with myself.

I know that people may feel insecure. I also feel insecure about hundreds of things. One thing for sure, I am not afraid of myself and my life. I am happy about all the surprises, good or bad alike, that my life has in store of me. That way I have lesser regrets.

I didn't know I wanted to meet you today. I felt like meeting you. So, I came here and shared my thoughts. Today, I would sleep with no regrets and peace. Till we see each other again...

Yours,
Amruta