A needle, a flower and a cockroach

A needle, a flower and a cockroach

Being with someone else and making that person feel as if they were of no importance in our life is far worse than feeling alone and miserable in the streets of Geneva. – Paulo Coelho

I have been alone and lonely many a times. Now, I hardly ever feel lonely but that is because I have finally come to understand what loneliness means to me. I have befriended it.

For a long time in my very petty and not-so-meaningful life, I have felt unwanted by people around me. It is a difficult place to be. In fact, no one wants you to be there and you do not have anywhere to go. Or you simply do not know that you have somewhere to go or that you are not aware that you can go somewhere. So, you are stuck in a place where no one regards you as anyone of importance and you, though indirectly, choose to stay.

Being in such a place became habitual to me till the time, I realized I could run away. People will always tell you to fight the demons. In my experience, that is not the best place to start coping. To fight your problems, you need to look them in the eye and for that you need to stand in front of them without panicking. Running helps. I ran till I was tired of running. I went as far as I could. Then, I looked back and I realized I had run so far that the people who surrounded me were almost non-existent.

I was surrounded by other people. They didn’t know me. And I followed the traffic rule of keeping safe distance. I started trusting my soul to choose the people I wanted to befriend. Some of the people, from whom I had ran away, caught up and became a part of my life.

I decided that I wanted to keep believing in my inner soul and also the universe that surrounded me.

To be very frank, I still run away though I am fighting.

I decided that I did not need to fight people but fight loneliness that came from people making me feel alone.

I shook hands with loneliness and let it hug me close, very close. That comforted me.

I decided that I would not make anyone who chose to stay with me feel unimportant in my life. That to me became the worst of the crimes that I could commit. I even overdid it and became a “Mommy” figure. I was still okay being that than make people feel lonely. I knew how painful it is to be made to feel lonely.

The second thing that I chose to do was befriend the universe around me which was with me unconditionally as I was with it. I had a habit of talking to things which I tried to control to fit in the universe. I decided I did not need to control it anymore. I chose to connect to the roads I walked on, to the trees that stood tall, to the plants that lingered, to the dogs that stared, to the scurrying cockroaches, to the falling leaves and flowers… They became my friends. They wanted me as much as I wanted them and I started feeling that while talking to them and caressing them.

Today, the roads gave me a needle which I would not have noticed if I was not paying attention to what the road was trying to say. I found a flower near a tree which I greet whenever I pass by. I saw a cockroach getting trampled upon by a human being and yet not giving up!!!

I would never see and observe things earlier. I wanted to be with people because I did not want to feel lonely.

However, that changed as I realized that I am lonely till I call “the lonely” my enemy. It never was an enemy, rather it was and is the best ally I could have found.

When I made “the lonely” feel unwelcome, it was sad and lonely. I stopped making it feel unwanted and useless. I stopped feeling lonely.

Is there any rat infestation you are not aware of?

Long back, I had realised that I do not consider myself conventionally pretty looking. Last year, during one of the conversations with my friends, she tried convincing me so hard that I asked her to give up. I was not going to get convinced. I had decided that I wasn’t pretty and never will be. I couldn’t tell her then but I have known since a long time that I have always tried to compensate for not looking pretty.

As a child, I would always try and get into helping anyone and everyone.

I turned myself into a role of a nerd or a mother and got mocked and laughed at myself. I never realised that that had at least some of its roots in the compensation or overcompensation for not looking pretty.

Then, there was a time when I started telling myself that looking pretty wasn’t important and considered that girlish and called myself not a girl and was proud of that fact.

I didn’t have any issues with gender identity. I just didn’t want to get into becoming pretty. That was something I was not and I was convinced that I never would be. So, I decided to learn everything that I could. I ended up learning and developing more as a person. The quest that started in overcompensation, ended in being independent.

However, I hit a roadblock here!

It was a great thing that I was independent. There was one thing pricking me like crazy though. Why was I feeling lonely?

I became independent not by wanting to be independent. It was an escape route. I had chosen to be independent to avoid social judgement and take away the right from society to see me in any context that was familiar. I was successful partially. I created my own world and lost myself into it. But that was the thing. I LOST myself into it. Was it good enough if you lost yourself in the process of avoiding society? For me, that was not good enough.

Then, a process of reacquainting myself with myself started. That process has opened so many new doors for me. This process has made me realise that how an inferiority complex can develop without any warning and how it can have several routes in your psyche.

I became best friend with my loneliness. It stopped bothering me. I started developing newer and finer coping skills and became more aware and observant than before.

But do I consider myself pretty? No. I don’t. I would never describe myself as pretty or do anything to make myself look pretty in the conventional sense. I still look at everything related to grooming as skill to acquire to live peacefully and most importantly independently in society. I don’t see anything wrong with it until and unless I am aware of the same.

I recently had a rat infestation. I learned a very important lesson from that. It is okay to have rat infestation if you are aware of it. If you do not know about it, you also do not know what it may eat away.

So, I am okay with this condition.

My only questions to all the people out there is: Is there any rat infestation you are not aware of???

2018

Now, I am going to recap the whole of 2018 as I remember it.

I feel this is the most productive year after the academic year of 2010-11. I don’t want to get into the reasons of why this is so. So, let’s keep that aside.

Moving from 2017 to 2018, I was thinking of becoming a freelancer. I was travelling quite a bit. One of my friends even mentioned that I am travelling to three places in less than a month. Yes, that was true. In fact, last year on 2^nd January, I was returning from one of my interpretation assignments. That assignment involved travelling to Aurangabad and Hyderabad and back to Mumbai. So, to be precise, I started my year in a train to Hyderabad and had an awesome day there.

Once I came back, I went to Shegaon, again for work purpose for 2 days, for 4 months in a row. (Shegaon is a place in Maharashtra but it is quite different. Those trips ended for me in April, 2018. This whole time I was working with an organization which worked on alternative teaching modules focusing on career development. I was also writing the blog for Art Plus Blue foundation. The frequency of these blogs varied as per my other work schedule.

In February, my cousin got married. I travelling and got hurt like a crazy woman that I am. The work stayed homeostasis. This was also the time I was helping my friend with translations and transcriptions for saving our dear forest, Aarey Forest, in Mumbai.

March was a difficult month as the work pressure increased due to the schools wrapping things up. This was also the time I decided that I wanted to go in the mode of a complete freelancer.

In April, I wrapped up my work with the educational organization.

On 2^nd May, 2018, I started living alone. In the month of May, I took up an assignment in an exhibition for Japanese interpretation, which went well. I went for a trek in between out of nowhere to Kalsubai, the Everest of Maharashtra. At the end of this month, I travelled to Shimla for work and fun. This trip was linked to another NGO called Empower People, which worked for trafficked brides.

The month of June was dull and sick. I waited for rains which didn’t come. Certain challenges were coming up and I had realised that I had changed. I also realised that it was difficult to not change!!! I geared up to tackle all that with my friend telling me something like People want to be where you are. All you are worried about is your emotional hygiene and people spend their lives figuring out a lot of other stuff. I got and accepted an offer to work as a remedial English teacher from an NGO called Khula Aasman. In this month, my brother stopped talking to me.

In July, I dealt with a few health issues and went on a trek with Phiroza, where I realised I could still sleep properly. I did not give my exam due to health issues. I spent the moth tying up the loose strings in terms of sleep, emotions, health, social life and so on. I started working at Khula Aasaman and regular sessions began in the middle of the month.

I visited my native place and had an awesome time staying at home. It was irritating as due to rains I could not go out at all. I was soaked in love there and realised that I was missing it horribly after I came back. My close friend moved to another country this year, too. In this month, I got an offer to work as a lecturer in a collage, MMK, Bandra, on a part time basis. I accepted the offer.

In September, I started working in the collage. I also got another assignment of Japanese interpretation with Art Plus Blue Foundation. The remedial English sessions continued.

In October, the part time work with the collage concluded. I stared working with a child with special needs and started helping her with her studies as a remedial teacher. I went with my mother for a naming ceremony which rekindled my relationship with one of my cousins.

In November, I went to Vapi for an assignment of Japanese interpretation for 7 days. It was hectic but it turned out to be a very good experience.

In December, I did not give one of the exams I was preparing for. The other exam was not so bad. I attended a wedding for which I had been shopping in the month of November. It was a great day but gave me bad throat and fever. At the end of this month, I went for a research assignment to Shimla. It was hectic but turned out to be an eye-opening experience.

All in all, this year brought to me a lot of learning. It showed me things that I had not seen before and made me peep beyond scientific thought and reasoning. It encouraged and reinforced me to believe in the universe and strive to do my best. It told me that I may not be the best because there is always scope for improvement but I am good enough and most importantly, capable enough. The experiences in this year told me to have faith in myself and what I believed in no matter what others said. It told me the way forward I have chosen for myself was unique and suitable for me. I need not second guess myself, even when I have not had a solid plan. It also told me that if I decide to do something, I can conquer anything. All that was needed was the strong willingness.

So, in the end, I would like to thank a lot of people who made it possible to survive and learn. The list of the names goes as follows:

Aai, Father, Omkar, Atya, Aaji, Reema, Roma, Yuvraj, Anuradha, Pavitra Ma’am, Ajay Sir, Shafiq Ji, Parikshit Ji, Ruhi Ji, Madhuri, Chetana, Rosanna, Sarita Ma’am, Abhay, Gitanjali, Priti, Ranjana Tai, Stalin Sir, Vandana Tai, Sunita Tai, Smita Tai, Ashwini, Kshipra, the Japanese guests and employers, Shraddha and her family, Reema’s mother, Dada, Aaradhya, Dogs in my vicinity, Phiroza, Okazusan, Akkosan, Trees that I met everywhere, Sayali and her husband, Angel 2.0, Ankan Das, trekking buddies in Shimla, Facebook, WhatsApp, YouTube and other social networking sites and applications, air, water, land and the vaccum, Runa ma’ma, Garima, and Kanta Ji. I am sure there are people I have missed. Please humanity, take a bow of gratitude from me for making it possible to live.

I would like to thank Green Tara, the lily lady, the blinking city, the UJ hanging, the lit lantern, the water plants, the musical bird, and last but not the least my Natalie and my sweetheart…

Thank you very much universe for making it all possible <3