But

Confused, alone, arduous
self motivated
Waiting, wanting, searching
Intention of giving
Aching, tired, injured
Unstoppable
Failed, shattered, suffocated
Not giving up
Blotchy eyed, throat choked, shivering
Faint smile
Hopeless, helpless, heartaches
Grateful

Choices? Coincidence? God?

It was Friday, 28^th October 2016. I was feeling quite weird. I really didn’t know why I was feeling so low. It is funny that you yourself don’t know why you are feeling so low. Low moods come and go in my case, but when they say, it’s different.

I posted this on Facebook and asked for suggestions. One of them suggested me to travel and other asked me to shout. I couldn’t shout walking on the streets or in front of my students; thus, I ran really fast on the road and even managed to catch a bus due to that.

I was working that day. It was quite a day that I spent with my students. I was tired and quite unwell by the time I returned. I took medication in the evening. All I could manage to do was eat. I couldn’t sleep for a long time. When I finally slept, I couldn’t wake up.

Sometimes, it breaks your heart that you waited for a particular day and you couldn’t celebrate it. That was the case with me as well. I woke up late, was lazy, had hardly any appetite. Finally, I talked to a friend and he agreed to meet me. But, he had less time. I couldn’t tell me what was bothering me, even the little bit that I knew. I noticed that he was upset. We couldn’t talk about that either. We talked about something else altogether.

I was out of my house. When my friend left, I didn’t return home. I decided to make it my day. I went and asked a lady to apply Mehendi/Hena on my hand. With one hand filled with Hena, I went and shopped for myself. I shopped for things that I always wanted to buy. I wouldn’t say I was happy that I finally had those things, but I was super happy that I shopped for myself for a change. It felt awesome. I had two days ahead of me. I decided that I wouldn’t spend them at home as that would fuel my low mood. I went on the internet and searched. I found some things that I could do for the next three days.

I went and tried learning a dance called Shim Sham. I met new people. I learnt something new. I ate at a new restaurant. I understood new things about myself and others around me. It was something new that I looked at from completely different perspective as well. The way the organizer was surprized was interesting.

When I returned home, I finalized my plans for the next two days and I went to shop for my trip the next two days and the festival, of course. I generally don’t dress up. However, I did that day. I also met a friend afterward. I enjoyed dressing up.

The next two days, I went for a trek and I met a bunch of complete strangers whom I got to know more throughout the trek. So many new people with their different professions, backgrounds, ideologies, beliefs, disbeliefs!! It was so much fun to listen to them. I learnt quite a lot, probably much more than I would have learnt from reading a book sitting at home, probably much more than I would have learnt from reading a book sitting at home.

Simply being there for basically nothing and quite everything was calming. I forgot the unrest, the low mood, the world.

I wouldn’t go ahead and say that I connected with people there. However, I did learn so many things from them.

Above all, I learnt things about myself.

I used to always doubt myself regarding my choice of job (although only a little bit) and whether I am suitable to it. I found myself behaving in line with my choice. I was comfortable staying at my own pace. Like I would have in the past, I didn’t try and adjust my pace for others. I liked that about myself. I still was bad at understanding sarcastic comments, jokes but I managed either ignoring them or finding something more interesting.

I learnt how I still like to believe that the world is fair and good and that was so not the case most of the times.

Life wouldn’t be bed of roses. Life wouldn’t be bed of thorns.

Life would be life.

Life would be as you make it. Life would be as you perceive it.

I kept remembering Jonathan Livingston Seagull.

I returned home. I charged my phone. There was my charming friend sending me a link to a YouTube video on Jonathan Livingston Seagull.

I simply loved the way things did work out.

My belief was emphasized. “God really doesn’t give you more than you can handle” and whatever it is “it too shall pass.”