Dear society

Dear society,
Nobody chooses to be a freak. So, stop judging me. And do not say that you do not judge me because you do. All the time. That is the reason I find it difficult to be with you. I go through an emotional trauma every time I am in a social setting.
Nobody wants to show the scars to the world because we all have scars that we think are best when they are hidden. We do not talk about it and we certainly do not think that others understand them.
Nobody is born evil or good. We become what we choose. But being a freak is not a choice. It is a byproduct of the choices that we make to keep ourselves sane and hidden.
Living in this world is all about approval. Approval of someone or the other. That is difficult to achieve because you do not know what others might think as approval. At the end of the day, they are other people. Who am I to know someone else thoroughly. I do not believe that to be possible. It is a race which I fail at all the time. So, I do not understand what others want.
I have stopped guessing.
A part of my self knows that a part of it is carved by the society. I want social approval in general because, howsoever I may deny it, I am a part of the society. I may not like it, but I am. So, like mentioned before, I want the approval. But the problem is I do not want to be the person I am not.
That struggle has made me alienate myself from society. I am okay if people call me freak. Being okay does not mean I do not hurt or feel angry or sad. But I am ready for that. I am ready to be sad, angry, hurt, lonely, frustrated and everything else that is the part of this deal. I just do not want to be someone I am not anymore.
The other day, this made me think about happiness. Does this mean that I give up on happiness. In a way, yes. I give up on feeling happy because of someone else. I rather become honest and true to my emotions and be with those emotions. I let the happiness spread its root into the fact that I am honest. I am useful. I would rather be honest and useful than happy.
I will still be disconnected with the world.
So, I might still be lonely.
But, you know what, I am tired of making the move, taking the first step and opening my arms. I am not giving up on trying but I am very tired. So, I will wait for the world to make the move now.
All those people who ask me about what I am doing about my problems that remain unresolved, here's the answer. I hug my problems close and make them my friends.
To society, I have just one thing to say.
As a teacher, it is my job to make the first move, take the first step, start the process and invite the relationship. Well, I am not a teacher or a psychologist 24/7. Even then, I have done this. I have initiated. Now, it is your turn.
I am done.

The healing that has to happen is to happen inside and not outside.

The healing that has to happen is to happen inside and not outside.

It may not be easy. It may get tiring. But it has to happen. It will happen.

These are my recent conversations:

My NRI friend, "You won't understand this, but I really miss you."
I, "You do?"
Inside my head, my self talks, [He misses me. Can anyone really miss me? I miss them because I feel connected to them. I try and maintain the relationship. I don't think anyone can miss me.]

Psychologist in my head, {This does not mean I do not like me. I like myself. I describe myself as weird not because I find myself weird but I know society would. Same thing goes here. I like me. But I just find it hard to believe that others would like me or miss me. In a nutshell, I do not think that others would find me worthy enough.}

My poor Ego in my head, (Stop justifying myself. I at least in part think that I am something less than others. Oh! I know you are proud of being a psychologist and editor but you still think that you are not the best. I am the ego. I agree with you. You are not the best. That does not mean that you are less than others. You beat yourself up about the social norms and standards for beauty. You, dear psychologist, want to maintain who you are. You, my dear ID, want to be the most beautiful and sexy. You, my lord, superego, do not want to be considered vulgar or do not want to violate moral protocol. So, I, Ego, have long ago decided that we would not call ourselves pretty ever. We have an honest soul. That should be it. I am done considering your opinions and deciding how I would want to look at the social gatherings. I am going to side with the Psychologist because at least she does not fight with me and does not come charging at me. So, that's done.)

Psychologist again, {Thank god you finished. Thank you for the complement, but you digressed from the point. You talk a lot. I have reminded you number of times to be quiet. Everyone thinks you talk a lot. Stop this or you would be in trouble.}


My poor Ego again, (I cannot stop like that. I hate the vacuum when I do not speak. Because when I do not speak, all of you start speaking. Look at this exercise for example. The self talk is so small and you all have made it into a conference. If I talk, you all are quiet for that time at least. The self feels burdened, you know, with all your requests!)

Psychologist, {I understand, dear Ego. But you are responsible for the growth and development and I am going to be with you so that that goal is not forgotten.}

My self looking at everyone, [They are talking. I do not know what to do. I think I will just be. Ego will definitely come up with something. It always does.]

Ego, (I appreciate your inputs. I just have a hard bargain with these two!! Could you talk to them?)

Psychologist, {I am bound by my role as you are! That is your responsibility.}

Ego, (Alright, I get it! You two, we are ending this conversation. It should not have been thins long in the first place. Stop putting unnecessary pressure on me. Nobody sees you both. They do not know you hiss out things in my space all the time. Right now, stop! Okay!)

ID hissing, only Ego and Superego can hear, (-- Okay, but remember how pleasurable my suggestions are... those dreams... fantasies...--)

Superego hissing, only Ego and ID can hear, (** I will stop now. But the society is where we belong. Do not get carried away by that brat. You have to go out in the society. Do not forget that.**)

Ego, (Arrrrrrgh, I said STOP!!)

Psychologist, {Calm down dear Ego. The self is getting tired. She wanted to say something.}

Ego, mellow and calm, (I know. Self, please carry on. I am here to handle this. I am here for you.)

Self, [Thank you, Ego. I get tired of this. I don't know what to think. But I know, it would be okay. [To herself] Recently, that is the only thing I know. I know that I do not think highly of myself. But the universe, it distinguishes not. I am as his as someone else is. That is what I believe and I know. Tara is here for me. Thank you.]


One of my wise friend and then my father told me, "When people talk to you and tell you the same thing again and again, they are but talking to themselves."

Self, [So true!]
Ego, sarcastically grinning, (Evident from the above transcript, don't you think?)
Psychologist, smiling, (Can't deny that, dear!)

My wise friend continued, "It takes a lot of experience and patience to keep calm and not let ourselves burst out."
Self, Ego and Psychologist in unison with me, "Yes. Sometimes when we are bubbling up with anger, to tell yourself to calm down is the most difficult thing. We have to do it day in and day out to get used to. After all this, we still may have days on which we cannot control ourselves."
My wise friend, "Yes. That's a fact!"

My self in my head, [Healing? I don't know. Definitely sounds like confused clarity!!!]
Psychologist, Ego, Self, all are grinning.