अडक-साखळी

लग्न... लग्न म्हणजे नक्की काय हा प्रश्न मला कायमच पडत राहिला. खूप ढुंढाळलं मी आत आणि बाहेरही. अगदी हळुवारपणे एकेक पदर उलगडून नक्की काय आहे याच्या अंतरंगात हे शोधण्याचाही प्रयत्न केला. पण अंतरंगात सापडली एक पोकळी. आणि बाहेर... तिथे तर त्या पोकळीपेक्षा विदारक दृश्य होतं. एका खूप छान वेष्टनात केवळ काही भग्न अवशेष होते त्या पोकळीचेच.

माझं उत्तर मला फार कष्टाने मिळालं होतं. या ब्रह्माण्डाने तशी रचना केली होती कारण. मी त्याच्याकडे कुठला प्रश्न फेकलाय आणि त्याने उत्तर दिलं नाही असं कधीच झालं नाही.

माझं लग्न ठरलं. माझ्या रूढीवादी कुटुंबियांना ते जुन्या प्रथा-परंपरांप्रमाणे व्हावं असं वाटत होतं. माझा रुढिवादाला विरोध नव्हता पण त्यामागे दृढ असलेल्या आंधळेपणाला होता. त्या साऱ्या भावनांचं प्रदर्शन मांडून त्याचा बाजार होण्याला होता. पण मला पदोपदी अगदी माझ्या मानसोपचार तज्ञ सहकाऱ्यांनीदेखील असंच सांगितलं कि मी हे माझ्या आई-वडिलांसाठी करावं. मला या सगळ्याचा फार फार त्रास होऊ लागला. मग मी मलाच गुंडाळून स्वतःचं एक बोचकं केलं. आणि ते बोचकं ठेऊन दिलं वळचणीला. म्हटलं लागेल तेव्हा उघडू परत. पण या सगळ्यात मला जागाच नव्हती. मी माझ्या संघर्षाने केवळ स्वतःला बांधून घेण्यासाठी कोणता खांब असावा याबाबतीत मत असण्याची जागा निर्माण करू शकले होते. बास. पुढे कुठेच मी नव्हते. गंमत म्हणजे कोणालाच याची काहीच पर्वा नव्हती. "तुला हे करायचंय का?" असा प्रश्न एकदाही मला विचारला गेला नाही. आणि कुठलेही वाद नकोत म्हणून कधी "मम" तर कधी "इदं न मम" असं म्हणत मी स्वतःची आहुती देत गेले. अगदी हसत. याने मी काय साधलं? खूप जणांचं सुख, बोचकंभर दुःख आणि... आणि खूप बोचरं ज्ञान. लग्न म्हणजे काय याचं. सगळ्या विधींमध्ये लग्न किंवा विवाहाची व्याख्या "धर्मसंमत प्रजोत्पादन" अशी केलेली होती. आणि मला समजलेला लग्नाचा अर्थ असा कि लग्न हि समाजाने स्वतःची केलेली सोय.

मला वाटायचं कि नातं कधी सुरु व्हावं आणि कधी संपावं हे ठरवता येत नाही. माझं मत अजून लग्न झाल्यानंतर देखील तसूभरही बदललेलं नाही. कुठल्याही विधी आणि परंपरा नातं निर्माण करू शकत नाहीत किंवा मोडू शकत नाहीत. नातं हे एक व्यसन आहे. ते निर्माण मेंदूमध्ये स्रवण्याऱ्या रसायनामुळे होतं आणि अगदी व्यसनमुक्तीसारखं विविध प्रकारे ते संपतं. एखाद्या वास्तूकडून किंवा माणसाकडून आपल्याला छान वाटतंय असं मेंदूला कळलं कि नातं निर्माण होतं. हे बरं वाटणं बंद झालं कायमचं कि नातं संपतं. जोपर्यंत अधूनमधून का होईना हे बरं वाटणं चालू असतं तोपर्यंत नातं संपू शकत नाही. मेंदूला फक्त बरं वाटणं आणि तितकंसं बरं न वाटणं कळतं. त्याला ते माणसामुळे वाटतंय कि वस्तूमुळे याने फरक पडत नाही.

यापलीकडे काही निर्माण करायचं असेल तर आत्मिक संबंध निर्माण व्हायला हवेत. ते निर्माण होणं सोपं नाही. त्यासाठी आपण समोरच्याला आपल्याला हवाय त्यापेक्षा थोडा जास्तंच आदर दाखवायला हवा. हे आपल्याला जमतंच असं नाही. मग नाती "सवय" आणि "व्यसन" यांच्या व्याख्येत अडकून पडतात. त्यापुढे जायचं कि नाही हि तुमची इच्छा असते.

महत्वाचं हे कि याची कोणालाही काहीही पडलेली नसते. तुमचं काहीही होवो. तुमचं लग्न झालंय म्हणजे बस... त्यापुढे फारतर मुलासाठी पाठपुरावा करणं यापलीकडे समाजाला तुमच्यात काहीही रस नसतो. जसा तो त्यांना तुम्ही लग्नाच्या वयाचे होईपर्यंत नसतो.

आमचा फ्रॉइड म्हणतो तसं समाज हा लैंगिकता आणि हिंसा यांना नेहमीच दाबून ठेवतो. या मानवाच्या सगळ्यात सहज भावना आहेत. त्यामुळे त्यांना दाबून ठेवल्याने माणसाला त्रास होतो. शेवटी मनुष्यप्राणी हादेखील एक प्राणीच आहे. त्यामुळे संधी मिळताच तो आपले खरे गुण दाखवतो. जगभर होणारी युद्ध आणि दंगली हा मनुष्याच्या हिंसक प्रवृत्तीचा दृश्य नमुनाच नाही का? लैंगिकतेला व्यक्त व्हायला लग्नाइतकी उघड संधी कधी मिळणार. कोण कोणासोबत लैंगिक संबंध ठेवतंय याची लग्नापेक्षा सहजतेने हिशोब ठेवणारी दुसरी कुठली व्यवस्था आहे का अस्तित्वात? आणि लग्नसंस्था नसती तर विवाहबाह्य संबंध या शब्दांना तरी काही अर्थ उरला असता का? आणि कौमार्य हि संकल्पना तरी कुठून आली असती? आत्ता प्रचलित पुरुषप्रधान संस्कृती, स्त्री म्हणजे निव्वळ एक वस्तू आणि दबलेली हिंसा आणि लैंगिकता यातूनच नाही का हे सगळं निर्माण होत??
समाज हा स्खलनशील आहे. हेच एकमेव सत्य यातून व्यक्त होतं. सभ्यतेच्या आणि मर्यादाशीलतेच्या नावाखाली दाबून ठेवलेल्या हिंसा आणि लैंगिकतेला व्यक्त करण्यासाठी त्याला कितीही छोटीशी संधी पुरेशी होते.       
याउपर लग्नात संपत्तीचं प्रदर्शन करण्याची आयती संधी मिळते. जितकं मोठं लग्न तितकी मोठी (श्रीमंत) माणसं!! मला प्रश्न पडतो "श्री" म्हणजे "लक्ष्मी" या देवीच्या प्रतिमेविषयी. जी केवळ कष्टातून पाझरते ती अशा प्रदर्शनाला हसणार नाही का? म्हणूनच कदाचित मी देवाला अशा प्रतिमांमध्ये बांधण्यापेक्षा त्याला ब्रह्माण्डात सगळीकडेच पाहते. किंवा मला वाटणाऱ्या स्वातंत्राबद्दलच्या आपुलकीमुळे मी देवालाही कशात बांधू इच्छित नाही. मी चूक असेन किंवा बरोबर, ते महत्वाचं नाहीच आहे. महत्वाची आहे ती हि अडक-साखळी.

समाज माध्यमांवर मध्यंतरी एक चित्र पाहिलं. एक हत्ती आणि त्याच्या गळ्यात चांगली जाड दोरी. ती बांधलेली असते एक प्लॅस्टिकच्या खुर्चीला. खाली लिहिलेलं कि लहान असताना हत्तीला बांधून ठेवलं जातं जाड लोखंडी खांबाला. तो खांब छोटा हत्ती तोडू शकत नाही. मग मोठं झाल्यावर तो दोरी तोडण्याचा प्रयत्नच करत नाही. मला समाज हा अशीच एक अडक-साखळी वाटतो. लहानपणी ती झुगारता येत नाही म्हणून मोठेपणी तिच्याशी झगडणंच बंद करतो आपण! काय हे दुर्दैव!!!

मला वाटतं काही हत्तींच्या आयुष्यात अपघाताने का होईना एक क्षण येत असेल ना... जेव्हा त्यांना अचानक कळत असेल कि आपल्याला सहज सुटता येईल. त्यापैकी काहींना हे खोटं किंवा भास वाटू शकेल. काहींना सवयीची चौकट मोडू नये असं वाटेल. काहींना निव्वळ भीती. पण काही हत्ती तरी पळून जातंच असतील. बंधन झुगारून. स्वत्वाच्या शोधात.

यापैकी आपण कोण व्हायचं हा "ज्याचा त्याचा प्रश्न" आणि त्या क्षणाचं धैर्य!!!

Hey you,

Hey you,

Today, I want to tell each and everyone of you that I appreciate you for trying.

It may not be easy to keep trying and you may end up crying a lot. But the fact that you are trying means so much to me.

It is indeed hard to live life. Because as I like to call it “Life Happens” to all of us.

Nobody said it was easy. Nobody ever warned us that it may be this difficult. But I want you to know that I love your spirit of trying to find a solution.

Maybe it was an exam… maybe it was a relationship… maybe it was searching for a job… maybe it was gathering all the money that was needed… maybe it was an illness you are fighting… I may not understand your challenge. I do understand the pain and the efforts you are taking to fight it. You are such an amazing person.

Was today very difficult? Did you feel that you couldn’t do enough today? That’s not true. You did whatever you could. And you would get up tomorrow and try again. It is such a hard thing to do this every day. I am stunned by your perseverance.

Did something hold you back? Was it all those emotions that confused you? Breathe in, dear. You will sort them out as you always have.

Was society puzzling you? And you didn’t get any answers even when you asked around. Its okay, you know. Somebody once told me that all questions may not always have answers. I am awed with your strength to withhold these questions.

Was it your body that stopped you? I know habits are difficult to break. You get used to some way of dealing with things. It may not always be helpful but it is just another way to keep the fight on… I know you will keep at it and one day you will get there.

I know you may feel like giving up.

I feel it, too. All the time. I am terrified.

I don’t get it either when people tell me not to give up. Because they don’t get what I am going through. But there is something that keeps me going.

I don’t get what you are going through.

But I know one thing for sure. Pain is painful. Fear is terrifying.

So, I salute you for not giving up despite wanting to give up every second.

And the fact that you exist keeps me going. You tell me that I am not alone.

Hence, please keep up the wonderfully marvelous work that you have been doing. You are an inspiration to me. I am sure many others feel the same. But you know it could be difficult to put it in words. So, don’t assume they aren’t there.

We are in this together.

So, let’s not give up, at least not without a fair try!

Respect,

Amruta

मार्ग

कुठे काय या वेडीचं राहिलं होतं? सगळं सगळं तर तिने वाहून टाकलं होतं. आता ती कोणाला विचारणार होती? आणि काय?

तिचं असं फक्त वाटणं होतं. निरंतर तिच्यापाशी असलेलं. तिच्यापासून कधीच कोणीच हिरावून घेऊ शकणार नाही असं. तिला जे वाटणार होतं ते तिची साथ कशी सोडेल? ते तिचं हक्काचं होतं. तिचं एकटं असणं. आता त्या एकटेपणाला तिच्या अस्तित्वाची सवय झाली होती. तिचं सगळ्यांशी असलेलं नातं संपू शकलं असतंही कदाचित. पण तिचं तिच्याशी जुळलेलं नातं अबाधित होतं. सगळ्या कोलाहलात आतून तिच्या भावनांचा येणारा आवाज कितीही अस्पष्ट असला तरी तो तिच्या कर्णपटलांवर आदळतंच राहणार होता. तिने तो ऐकणं सोडून देईपर्यंत. अखंड. किती मोठं सुख होतं हे. कधीही एकटं न पडण्याचं.

पण आत्ता तिचे डोळे भरून वाहत होते. तिला तिच्यापर्यंत पोचायला किती वेळ लागला होता. तिला समजत होतं कि तो प्रवास महत्वाचा होता. आता ती कधीच तिच्या मर्यादांना घाबरणार नव्हती. कारण तिच्या मर्यादा तिला बांधून ठेवू शकत नव्हत्या. तरीही ती का रडत होती? कारण तिच्या आतल्या जगाने बाहेरच्या जगावर मात केली होती. तिचं स्वत्व आणि सत्व जिंकलं होतं. ज्याचं तिला बंधन वाटत होतं त्याच्याशी तिने मैत्री केली होती. जे संदर्भ तिला मान्य नव्हते त्या संदर्भांसाठी तिने स्वतःचे नवीन अर्थ शोधून काढले होते. तिला उमजलं होतं कि ज्याच्याशी भांडता येत नाही त्याला ओलांडून पुढे जाण्यात शहाणपण आहे. ते स्वीकारणं गरजेचं नाही.

ती अडकली होती. जे जुनं आहे ते फार लांबण लावल्यागत अडक-साखळी सारखं वाटत होतं आणि जे नवीन आहे ते शुष्क आणि रुक्ष वाटत होतं. जे जुनं होतं ते कधीच संपलं होतं. त्याचं शव ओढत राहण्यात दुर्गंधी वाढण्याव्यतिरिक्त काहीच हशील नव्हतं. पण मग नवं तरी त्याचा पर्याय होऊ शकलं असतं का? नाही. या तथाकथित नव्याचा जन्म जुन्याला काटशह देण्यासाठी झाला होता. खरोखरीच नावीन्यपूर्ण अर्थवाही वीण घालायची म्हणून नव्हे. ती पेचात सापडली होती. तिने करावं तरी काय.

कर्मापासून सुटका नव्हती. प्रचलित कर्माचे जुने-नवे मार्ग मान्य नव्हते. पटत नव्हते आणि रुचत तर मुळीच नव्हते.

मग तिला जाणवलं कि ती तिचा मार्ग निवडायला मोकळी होती. जसं आतलं अस्तिव केवळ तिचं होतं तसंच तिचं कर्मही केवळ तिचं होतं. ब्रह्माण्डाने परत तिचा मार्ग प्रशस्त केला होता. तिचं कर्म आणि त्यामागची भावना केवळ तिची होती. तिला संधी होती या आतल्या आंदोलनांचा कर्माशी योग्य साधायची. जुन्याच्या रुढिवादात आणि नव्याच्या क्रांतिवादात ती पाण्याचा मार्ग अवलंबणार होती. क्रांती आणि रूढींना बगल देत कर्म आणि निष्ठा यांच्याशी सलगी करणं तिने तिच्यासाठी निवडलं होतं.

आणि या निवडीतून तिला जे मिळालं होतं त्याची जाणीव केवळ त्या परशक्तीच्या साम्राज्याला ब्रह्माण्डला होती.

ती मुक्त होती. स्वतंत्र होती. ती ती होती.   

I am disturbed...

I was disturbed. I am disturbed.

Here, I am praying every day to the universe for peace and equality and that is the only thing that I don’t get.

I am left here to witness the effect “money” and “class” have on the upbringing and overall personality of people.

I cannot really complain to someone that someone has money or that someone does not have money.

I am forced to remember my own experiences. I earned my education and hence I value it. I studied hard and tried to take in as much as I could. I really outdid myself in those years where I felt utterly alone and helpless. Yet, I had no time to deal with the feelings that were lurking under there. I was busy earning money and studying hard till the point I broke down. When I see someone do that, I am touched beyond measures.

Today, when I see someone taking things for granted. Then, I feel disgusted. The so-called comfort and luxury that they get which they feel fortunate about is the one thing that cripples them more than anything else.

Homes are same everywhere. So is the food and water and the other necessities of life. It is the perception of appreciation of such necessities that makes a person alive and happy.

Most importantly, none of these necessities is money.

Money is instrumental to get to them. Just an instrument.

I see money increasing the material needs of an individual beyond imagination. Individuals simply forget that what they are counting as necessities were once upon a time comforts or luxuries.

I do not understand how such an intelligent species has forgotten that instruments don’t help us survive.

We are lost in instruments. Be it mobile or internet and shopping malls and the act of shopping itself. And losing yourself in these instruments has become a norm, now.

We don’t even know whether we want to lose ourselves in these instruments or not.

We need to ask ourselves: what do we really want?

Is it the end or the means that we are bothering about???

I am disturbed.

I think this is reason enough to be disturbed.

II am 

प्रिय

प्रिय
त्या कोणासाठीतरी ज्याच्यासाठी मी नवसाची ओढणी बांधून ठेवली होती,

मी त्याला शोधत राहिले रे universe, कधीच न थांबणारा शोध. कधी न संपणारा शोध, वेड लावणारा शोध...
"कोण जाणे मी होतो काय? कोण जाणे मी आहे काय?" या दहावी फ तल्या सरांच्या प्रश्नाबरोबर वाहत राहिले.
स्वतःला सांगत राहिले "जिंदा हूँ यार, काफी हैं" आणि तरीही जिवंत असण्याचं कारण शोधात राहिले.
विचारांच्या आवर्तात गुंतवून टाकून माणसाचं बाहुलं बनवणारं ruminative thinking हि करत राहिले.
मी श्वासही घेत राहिले आणि उच्छवास सोडतही राहिले.
romanticism नाही सुटला अजिबात. तो दडवत राहिले रुक्ष वास्तववादाच्या पाठी. माझा romanticism वेडा ठरला.
तुला माहित्येय सगळं करूनही अडकणं थांबलं नाही. अपेक्षा थांबल्या नाहीत.
मी स्वतःला सांगत राहिले कि मला trust issues आहेत आणि तरीही विश्वास टाकणं थांबलं नाही.
आपलं म्हणणं थांबलं नाही.
पण ग्यानबाची मेख वेगळीच होती. कारण मी वेगळी नव्हते आणि तरीही वेगळी होते.
मला दुसऱ्यांच्या पायातील काटे त्यांच्या मार्गातून काढून स्वतःच्या वाटेवर पसरायची फार फार घाई होती. मला स्वतःला इतकं टोचून घ्यायचं होतं कि मला त्यानंतर दुःख होणं, वेदना होणं बंद झालं असतं पण तसं व्हायचं नसावं कदाचित.
मी कोणाचंच काहीही भलं करू शकत नव्हते.
मी होते आणि मी नव्हते.
भरभरून बोलणाऱ्या मला माझ्या आतला काळोख ओतायला कवितेचं पातेलं शोधावं लागत होतं एकदा ओतलेला काळोख पुन्हा पुन्हा दाटायचा आणि प्रत्येक वेळी नवीन पातेलं शोधत फिरावं लागे. पर्याय नव्हता.
मी जळत होते तरी संपत नव्हते.
का? मी संपत का नाही? माझ्याबरोबर हे सगळं संपेल अशी भाबडी आशा होती मला. पण ती कधीच फळली नाही.
मी श्वास घेत राहिले. कंटाळले. थकले. वैतागले. विटले. पण श्वास घेणं संपलं नाही.
आणि असं का याचं उत्तर मला सापडलं नाही.
खूप जणांना खूप काही करायचं असतं. मला निश्चिन्तपणे मोडून पडायचं होतं. मला त्या काळोखाचा थांग गाठायचा होता. मला सगळे काटे टोचून घ्यायचे होते.
 मला वेदना आवडायची. अजूनही आवडते. मला ती आपली वाटायची. तिच्यात एक प्रकारची माया होती. सुखाला आणि सौख्याला पीळ नसायचे. वेदना घट्ट असायची. आपली आपण. एकटी. नवसाची ओढणी बांधलेली. सगळ्या ओढण्यांबरोबर तरीही एकटी. तिच्या एकटेपणात सामर्थ्य होतं. शक्ती होती. पण तिला असं होणं भाग होतं. ती तुटली पार तर तिनेच उठावं असा संकेत होता.
ती कोणाला नको होती. कुंतीशिवाय.
कृष्ण जवळ असावा म्हणून का होईना तिने वेदना मागितली होती.
कुठल्याही बाबतीत मला कधीही न पटलेली कुंती इथे मात्र निश्चित पटली होती.
Happily ever after वेडेपणाच होता. आणि नव्हताही.
म्हणजे वेदना जितकी सुखावते तितकं कदाचित काहीच सुखावत नाही.
म्हणून मी वेदनेतून, अश्रूंतून तुला लिहीत राहिले.
वेदनेच खत पीक दिल्याशिवाय जाईल कसं? तिच्या जीवावर तर romanticism जिवंत राहिला. idealism ने गुलज़ार चा पत्ता शोधला. वास्तववादाने passenger चं बोट धरलं आणि सामाजिक मुखवट्याने शास्त्रीय संगीतात खरेपणा ढुंढाळला.
मी श्वास घेत राहिले.
श्वास घेण्याची गरज, कारण काहीच नसताना.
मी मेले नाही.
पण मी जगलेही नाही.
मी हिंदकळत राहिले मधल्या शांततेत.
श्वास घेतल्यानंतरच्या आणि श्वास सोडण्याआधीच्या.
पण या व्यापाराने मी तुझ्या खूप जवळ आले.
universe काय रे हे अरण्यरुदन.
कोणासाठी बांधली रे हि ओढणी.
कसला रे नवस?
काय हा भ्रम?
कोण मी?
कोण तू?
कोणाला मायना लिहू?
कोणाचा निरोप घेऊ?
श्वास घेते.
श्वास सोडते.

तुझी न माझी,
तू न मी

ता. क. व्याख्येची व्याख्या आणि मनातलं मन... वलय, चक्र, आवर्त, शुद्ध मी पण!!!

And when you are living alone

And when you are living alone, you wonder where this is what means that you are lonely. You believe it or sometime and then you get on with your life and start living.

It isn’t like you don’t have moments of crying and hopelessness. You want to hug someone and there maybe no one.

You are very happy and you want to jump and dance and yell and tell someone and go crazy. You feel there is no one.

You hurt yourself and you are in pain. You want to cry out loud when you imagine putting the disinfectant on your wound. Then, you feel there is no one.

You find the best piece of your favourite food and you want to share with someone and there is no one.

A lot of cleaning needs to be done and you are getting lazy. There is no motivation. You feel there is no one.

It is late and you have to still make your dinner after you reach home. You don’t want to cook. You feel there is no one.

You are going away and you want someone to water your plants. You feel bad because one of them dies. You don’t get a new plant. You feel there is no one.

You try out a new outfit. You feel you look really good. You stand in front of the mirror and appreciate yourself. You feel there is no one.

Your grief resurfaces. You cannot sleep. Your eyes are pouring tears like rains in the monsoon. You feel there is no one.

You cook something good. You want to eat it. You appreciate how well you have cooked. You feel there is no one.

You are enjoying a good piece of art. It is so amazing that you are overblown by it. You feel there is no one.

You hate to be disciplined. You give up yourself a lot. You know how important it is for you. You feel there is no one.

You are startled awake by something. You don’t know whether you were dreaming or … You feel there is no one.

You are out in the world. Nobody calls you for 48 hours. You have not talked to anyone. You feel there is no one.

You want to be unreasonable, irresponsible, loud, reckless, crazy, childish, risk taking … You feel there is no one.

You have poured out your heart in a piece on your blog. You are waiting for someone else to view it other than yourself. You feel there is no one.  

You want to be understood. You feel there is no one.

You feel tired. You feel there is no one.

You are exhausted. You feel there is no one.

You are. You feel there is no one.

You feel there is no one.

You are.

You are.

You are.

You are.

You are.

You are.

You are.

You are.

You are.

You are.

You are.

You are.

You are.

You are.

You are.

You are.

You are.

You are.

You are.

You are.

You are.

You are.

You are.

You are.

You are.

You are.

You are.

You are here for yourself!!!

On Perfection and Perception

No system is perfect. By the same logic, no system can be devoid of advantages. After all, when a system exists, it does for a reason.

When we are talking to people and are championing our causes, we forget this. Even the worst has something superlative about it.

आहटें

किसे खबर थी उन आहटों की
जो बन गई हैं जिंदगी हमारी
परदें की कपडे की हवा चलने से
हवा के रुख बदलने की बदलते मौसम के साथ
खिड़की भी कभी ठिठुरती सिमटती
रास्तेपर से कोई मोटर गहरी सांसे लेते
चलानेवाले के रहम के इंतजार में तकरार करती गुजरती
शहरों के सन्नाटें मशीनों की हुंकार से
गावों की रातें रात के कीड़ों के गुंजन से
कहीं दूर क्या वो बारात का ढोल और शहनाई?
या फिर किसी पुरनेसे नए मसले पर रैली हैं निकली?
टिकटिकती घडी का स्वर बढ़ती रात की संग बढ़ता
बीच में ठंडा पड़ा फ्रिज जैसे कुड़कुड़कर करवट बदलता
हाँ! अभी तीसरे मालेवाले पुजारी जी आरती गाएंगे
तभी तो पहले मालेवाले डाक्टरसाब घर जाएंगे
वो देखो अभी खानेपर टीवी गूंजेंगे
कल सुबह स्कूल बस के हॉर्न से पहले अलार्म जो चिल्लाएंगे
चिड़ियों की मुसकान सिर्फ छुट्टी के दिन की
सुबह तो मुर्गे से पहले उठकर दूध और अख़बार बांटनेवाले
जगाते हैं अपनी आहटें बांटकर
सहेलियों की हँसी और क्रिकेट मैच के ललकारें
पानी का टपकता नल और सब बाय हार्ट करता बंटी
बिलखती दो महीने की बेबी और रास्तें पर चिल्लाते कुत्ते
ऑफिस की मरम्मत में पिसती लकड़ियाँ और सिलबट्टे में लहसुन
कहीं गाने और नाच की प्रैक्टिस और कचरे की गाडी की घंटी
एक एक कर आवाजें भी न चाहते हुए रोज का रोना रोती
बिग बैंग के पहले छाए हुए चुप्पी को चीरती आहटें

A needle, a flower and a cockroach

A needle, a flower and a cockroach

Being with someone else and making that person feel as if they were of no importance in our life is far worse than feeling alone and miserable in the streets of Geneva. – Paulo Coelho

I have been alone and lonely many a times. Now, I hardly ever feel lonely but that is because I have finally come to understand what loneliness means to me. I have befriended it.

For a long time in my very petty and not-so-meaningful life, I have felt unwanted by people around me. It is a difficult place to be. In fact, no one wants you to be there and you do not have anywhere to go. Or you simply do not know that you have somewhere to go or that you are not aware that you can go somewhere. So, you are stuck in a place where no one regards you as anyone of importance and you, though indirectly, choose to stay.

Being in such a place became habitual to me till the time, I realized I could run away. People will always tell you to fight the demons. In my experience, that is not the best place to start coping. To fight your problems, you need to look them in the eye and for that you need to stand in front of them without panicking. Running helps. I ran till I was tired of running. I went as far as I could. Then, I looked back and I realized I had run so far that the people who surrounded me were almost non-existent.

I was surrounded by other people. They didn’t know me. And I followed the traffic rule of keeping safe distance. I started trusting my soul to choose the people I wanted to befriend. Some of the people, from whom I had ran away, caught up and became a part of my life.

I decided that I wanted to keep believing in my inner soul and also the universe that surrounded me.

To be very frank, I still run away though I am fighting.

I decided that I did not need to fight people but fight loneliness that came from people making me feel alone.

I shook hands with loneliness and let it hug me close, very close. That comforted me.

I decided that I would not make anyone who chose to stay with me feel unimportant in my life. That to me became the worst of the crimes that I could commit. I even overdid it and became a “Mommy” figure. I was still okay being that than make people feel lonely. I knew how painful it is to be made to feel lonely.

The second thing that I chose to do was befriend the universe around me which was with me unconditionally as I was with it. I had a habit of talking to things which I tried to control to fit in the universe. I decided I did not need to control it anymore. I chose to connect to the roads I walked on, to the trees that stood tall, to the plants that lingered, to the dogs that stared, to the scurrying cockroaches, to the falling leaves and flowers… They became my friends. They wanted me as much as I wanted them and I started feeling that while talking to them and caressing them.

Today, the roads gave me a needle which I would not have noticed if I was not paying attention to what the road was trying to say. I found a flower near a tree which I greet whenever I pass by. I saw a cockroach getting trampled upon by a human being and yet not giving up!!!

I would never see and observe things earlier. I wanted to be with people because I did not want to feel lonely.

However, that changed as I realized that I am lonely till I call “the lonely” my enemy. It never was an enemy, rather it was and is the best ally I could have found.

When I made “the lonely” feel unwelcome, it was sad and lonely. I stopped making it feel unwanted and useless. I stopped feeling lonely.

Is there any rat infestation you are not aware of?

Long back, I had realised that I do not consider myself conventionally pretty looking. Last year, during one of the conversations with my friends, she tried convincing me so hard that I asked her to give up. I was not going to get convinced. I had decided that I wasn’t pretty and never will be. I couldn’t tell her then but I have known since a long time that I have always tried to compensate for not looking pretty.

As a child, I would always try and get into helping anyone and everyone.

I turned myself into a role of a nerd or a mother and got mocked and laughed at myself. I never realised that that had at least some of its roots in the compensation or overcompensation for not looking pretty.

Then, there was a time when I started telling myself that looking pretty wasn’t important and considered that girlish and called myself not a girl and was proud of that fact.

I didn’t have any issues with gender identity. I just didn’t want to get into becoming pretty. That was something I was not and I was convinced that I never would be. So, I decided to learn everything that I could. I ended up learning and developing more as a person. The quest that started in overcompensation, ended in being independent.

However, I hit a roadblock here!

It was a great thing that I was independent. There was one thing pricking me like crazy though. Why was I feeling lonely?

I became independent not by wanting to be independent. It was an escape route. I had chosen to be independent to avoid social judgement and take away the right from society to see me in any context that was familiar. I was successful partially. I created my own world and lost myself into it. But that was the thing. I LOST myself into it. Was it good enough if you lost yourself in the process of avoiding society? For me, that was not good enough.

Then, a process of reacquainting myself with myself started. That process has opened so many new doors for me. This process has made me realise that how an inferiority complex can develop without any warning and how it can have several routes in your psyche.

I became best friend with my loneliness. It stopped bothering me. I started developing newer and finer coping skills and became more aware and observant than before.

But do I consider myself pretty? No. I don’t. I would never describe myself as pretty or do anything to make myself look pretty in the conventional sense. I still look at everything related to grooming as skill to acquire to live peacefully and most importantly independently in society. I don’t see anything wrong with it until and unless I am aware of the same.

I recently had a rat infestation. I learned a very important lesson from that. It is okay to have rat infestation if you are aware of it. If you do not know about it, you also do not know what it may eat away.

So, I am okay with this condition.

My only questions to all the people out there is: Is there any rat infestation you are not aware of???

2018

Now, I am going to recap the whole of 2018 as I remember it.

I feel this is the most productive year after the academic year of 2010-11. I don’t want to get into the reasons of why this is so. So, let’s keep that aside.

Moving from 2017 to 2018, I was thinking of becoming a freelancer. I was travelling quite a bit. One of my friends even mentioned that I am travelling to three places in less than a month. Yes, that was true. In fact, last year on 2^nd January, I was returning from one of my interpretation assignments. That assignment involved travelling to Aurangabad and Hyderabad and back to Mumbai. So, to be precise, I started my year in a train to Hyderabad and had an awesome day there.

Once I came back, I went to Shegaon, again for work purpose for 2 days, for 4 months in a row. (Shegaon is a place in Maharashtra but it is quite different. Those trips ended for me in April, 2018. This whole time I was working with an organization which worked on alternative teaching modules focusing on career development. I was also writing the blog for Art Plus Blue foundation. The frequency of these blogs varied as per my other work schedule.

In February, my cousin got married. I travelling and got hurt like a crazy woman that I am. The work stayed homeostasis. This was also the time I was helping my friend with translations and transcriptions for saving our dear forest, Aarey Forest, in Mumbai.

March was a difficult month as the work pressure increased due to the schools wrapping things up. This was also the time I decided that I wanted to go in the mode of a complete freelancer.

In April, I wrapped up my work with the educational organization.

On 2^nd May, 2018, I started living alone. In the month of May, I took up an assignment in an exhibition for Japanese interpretation, which went well. I went for a trek in between out of nowhere to Kalsubai, the Everest of Maharashtra. At the end of this month, I travelled to Shimla for work and fun. This trip was linked to another NGO called Empower People, which worked for trafficked brides.

The month of June was dull and sick. I waited for rains which didn’t come. Certain challenges were coming up and I had realised that I had changed. I also realised that it was difficult to not change!!! I geared up to tackle all that with my friend telling me something like People want to be where you are. All you are worried about is your emotional hygiene and people spend their lives figuring out a lot of other stuff. I got and accepted an offer to work as a remedial English teacher from an NGO called Khula Aasman. In this month, my brother stopped talking to me.

In July, I dealt with a few health issues and went on a trek with Phiroza, where I realised I could still sleep properly. I did not give my exam due to health issues. I spent the moth tying up the loose strings in terms of sleep, emotions, health, social life and so on. I started working at Khula Aasaman and regular sessions began in the middle of the month.

I visited my native place and had an awesome time staying at home. It was irritating as due to rains I could not go out at all. I was soaked in love there and realised that I was missing it horribly after I came back. My close friend moved to another country this year, too. In this month, I got an offer to work as a lecturer in a collage, MMK, Bandra, on a part time basis. I accepted the offer.

In September, I started working in the collage. I also got another assignment of Japanese interpretation with Art Plus Blue Foundation. The remedial English sessions continued.

In October, the part time work with the collage concluded. I stared working with a child with special needs and started helping her with her studies as a remedial teacher. I went with my mother for a naming ceremony which rekindled my relationship with one of my cousins.

In November, I went to Vapi for an assignment of Japanese interpretation for 7 days. It was hectic but it turned out to be a very good experience.

In December, I did not give one of the exams I was preparing for. The other exam was not so bad. I attended a wedding for which I had been shopping in the month of November. It was a great day but gave me bad throat and fever. At the end of this month, I went for a research assignment to Shimla. It was hectic but turned out to be an eye-opening experience.

All in all, this year brought to me a lot of learning. It showed me things that I had not seen before and made me peep beyond scientific thought and reasoning. It encouraged and reinforced me to believe in the universe and strive to do my best. It told me that I may not be the best because there is always scope for improvement but I am good enough and most importantly, capable enough. The experiences in this year told me to have faith in myself and what I believed in no matter what others said. It told me the way forward I have chosen for myself was unique and suitable for me. I need not second guess myself, even when I have not had a solid plan. It also told me that if I decide to do something, I can conquer anything. All that was needed was the strong willingness.

So, in the end, I would like to thank a lot of people who made it possible to survive and learn. The list of the names goes as follows:

Aai, Father, Omkar, Atya, Aaji, Reema, Roma, Yuvraj, Anuradha, Pavitra Ma’am, Ajay Sir, Shafiq Ji, Parikshit Ji, Ruhi Ji, Madhuri, Chetana, Rosanna, Sarita Ma’am, Abhay, Gitanjali, Priti, Ranjana Tai, Stalin Sir, Vandana Tai, Sunita Tai, Smita Tai, Ashwini, Kshipra, the Japanese guests and employers, Shraddha and her family, Reema’s mother, Dada, Aaradhya, Dogs in my vicinity, Phiroza, Okazusan, Akkosan, Trees that I met everywhere, Sayali and her husband, Angel 2.0, Ankan Das, trekking buddies in Shimla, Facebook, WhatsApp, YouTube and other social networking sites and applications, air, water, land and the vaccum, Runa ma’ma, Garima, and Kanta Ji. I am sure there are people I have missed. Please humanity, take a bow of gratitude from me for making it possible to live.

I would like to thank Green Tara, the lily lady, the blinking city, the UJ hanging, the lit lantern, the water plants, the musical bird, and last but not the least my Natalie and my sweetheart…

Thank you very much universe for making it all possible <3