जायचंय मला मरणापलिकडे
पळून जायचंय
अशा अाकाशात जिथे असतिल रंग
पण त्यांत फरक करता येणार नाही
मला विहरायचंय अव्यक्तामधे
न बोलता न सांगता
कारण समजून घेण्याची गरज
केव्हाच संपलीय
मी कधीही न सोडलेल्या आशेनेच
आज निराशेचं दान घातलंय जणू
जगण्याचं कारणंच हिकावलं जाण्याची
भीती दाटल्येय
अाता खरंच संपणार का सगळं?
हाच अंत!
हेच मरण!?
Today, I left Khagaria, Bihar with tears in my eyes and loads and loads of memories in my heart. I don't know if I was helpful throughout the project. I know one thing for sure that I connected with people and I am going to remember this time forever. The pondering I did on the riverbank, the yelling at children, the love I felt toward the project and children, and above all the James Bond Connection I developed with almost everyone are going to be my emotional food.
As I always believe nobody knows where we might end up, not once in my whole life would I have thought that I would spend some of the best moments of my life till date in a small town of Bihar, Khagaria.
I own a lot to Wall Art Festival organisers and members because without their unconditional love, I wouldn't have been able to come and live in this part of my country and learn so many things that I did in such a small time.
When I left home, it was my Mom, family, and friends who shared tea with me and ensured that I had enough food. It was my little brother who said you should go alone to the train station in order to prepare for the journey ahead and still came to drop me off. This time while leaving, it was one of the artists, the very first Japanese Chaiwala (tea vender) who ensured that I drank tea before leaving. It was the project coordinator who told me to have a safe journey. And last but not the least, it was the cook's helper who asked me whether I had enough food for the journey. I think this is enough for me. A heart full of happiness and memories, a brain full of experiences and learning, and eyes full of tears expressing meriands of emotions.
I have stated this earlier and would like to emphasise it again, I am happy that I took this journey. I think I have not been happier with any of my decisions.
I gave love, and I received much more. I feel I am returning enriched.
7 November 2015
Being a psychologist, I cannot ignore the obvious stereotypes associated with a girl traveling alone. I maintained my truthful position most of the times. It is easy to do so in the company of those who are educated. However, I took advantage of the stereotypes people hold to protect myself with the shield of an unavoidable lie.
Those who know me well know that I don't lie. I speak the truth. However, I learned on this trip that it is important to lie sometimes.
Now, I am going to write about a very funny experience I had in Kolkata, West Bengal. I needed to buy a luggage bag -- a big one. Let's say, huge. I was leaving for a trip to Sunderban the next day. So, I asked around, searched online, and decided to roam around on foot and buy a good luggage bag. I started walking and continued my survey for almost an hour and a half. I also bought some juice packets. As the standard breakfast in Kolkata is Puri Bhaji or Mudi (Puffed rice) and I wanted to have something light and energetic, I went for juice. So, back to my narrative about buying a luggage bag.
After my survey, I decided to buy at a VIP showroom as I would be able to carry out the maintaining bit easily in Mumbai. I chose the bag I thought would be able to contain my luggage. I was using my debit card to be on the safer side. I told the person in charge that I need to check if the bag would be able to contain all my stuff. He was a little hesitant. After a few seconds, he said, "Take the bag, try out, and then come back for getting the warranty card. Because once the warranty card is issued, it will be impossible to exchange the bag. I agreed.
He was now comfortable talking with me. He started speaking, "Ma'am, no girl comes alone to shop a bag. Sometimes, two boys may come to have a look around. But, ladies are always accompanied by someone. How come ...?" He was obviously fumbling to ask why on earth was I shopping for the bag alone. I told him that I was traveling and there was some problem with the bag I was carrying. I told him in brief about my trip so far. He was astonished. He told me that it is really brave and admirable that I am traveling alone. He actually gave me his number and asked me to call him if I need anything.
I never thought that it would be such a big deal for people that I am traveling alone. I could actually sense worry in peoples' tone. I felt that as long as people are able to care for someone completely strange, it's safe for girls to travel alone.
<3
It was already my third day in the town of Santiniketan. Finally, I was going to visit Santiniketan -- Vishwa Bharti. It was a dream come true. It was time to put all I had thought in action. I hadn't slept like this in months. To have a sense of deep purpose is an amazing feeling. Though I was a little late, I talked to one of my friends. It was funny though. I don't remember what I talked much. Sorry for being selfish. However, all I remember is that my voice was coming back. I was sounding like myself again. We really don't understand the importance of basic familiarity and comfort until we experience otherwise. I got ready. I was comfortable with everything around me by now.
I reached Vishwa Bharti University. I was lost. I called the professor with a little hesitance. He was very sweet, kind, and helping. He took me the Japanese department on my request. He called one of his ex-students so that he can show me around. He went back to his work. I was sitting in the Japanese department. It was quite some time, and the student had not turned up. I decided that I shall go around myself. However, the teacher in the department did not agree. He was deciding to send his students with me. We were about to leave, and that student who was supposed to show me around showed up. He had a bike. The Japanese language teacher told him to take care of me, and followed what was told to him to the word. To quote a medical phrase, I was in safe hands. He showed me various paintings, sculptures, drawings, buildings, and so on. He told me about the history and experiences behind so many places in the university. It was a totally different experience of viewing the university from the eyes of a student.
I felt like I belonged there. It was calm, serene, and thought provoking. I experienced a sense of guided freedom there.
Then, we decided that I should have lunch so that he can keep his promise of having lunch with his friends. We decided that we will see the other places the next day.
I knew that I won't be able to see a lot of places the next day. So, I decided that I will visit Amar Kutir, the handmade goods founded by followers of Rabindranath Tagore. It was an enchanting experience. The wind blowing there reminded me of a lot things from my own native place. It was like something that I knew for years together. It was like finding comfort of your home in a foreign land. I bought a lot of small gifts for my friends. Thinking about all the people I am connected to made me feel very nostalgic. Buying those small souvenirs was something that I never expected. I used toto (E-riksha) for this trip. While returning to my lodge, I went to the tea stall. I had tea, got hot water from the lady and came back to gargle. By now, my voice was much better, and I was already feeling very lucky. As a child, I read and read about Rabindranath Tagore. I dreamed about coming to Santiniketan once. Today, I myself was completing my dream. This felt good. It was no one else but I myself who worked hard to realize my dream. I had a sense of accomplishment.
The uncle of the lodge manager invited me for breakfast the next morning. I was all set for my last day at Santiniketan. I was actually feeling a little sad that I was leaving. Its difficult to form good attachments and it is much more difficult to leave them behind and move ahead. However, to explore further one has to let go off the comfort. It is quite funny that my comfort was something that I did not know at all just thee days ago.
I woke up early and prepared for my trip that day. I went for breakfast. It was quite heavy. I was welcomed with such warm heart that no one would have believed that I was going there for the first time. Then, I went to the Uttarayan complex which has Museum and residence of Tagore. It was a long and nice visit. Many security guards helped me understand the information as I couldn't read Bengali. They were very happy that someone has come there from a far place to understand what Santiniketan is. The moment I showed interest, they willingly helped. I was quite touched.
I bought some books and other things as souvenirs. I felt happy. I was somehow content with my first visit but was thinking of coming again. I again met Meghnad who showed me more places in Santiniketan. It was time to catch my train back to Kolkata. I said bye to the manager, the bellboy, the tea lady.
Then, a handle of my bag broke. I took help from a porter. I met a Japanese lady while going back. It was a very good beginning. I went back to the guest house. It was almost 10 by then. I just wanted to sleep. I had a task of buying bag the next day. It was going to a task indeed. I was tensed yet relaxed. I was experiencing a weird kind of confidence. I was satisfied yet wanted more. One of my best friends called and yelled at me for not keeping everyone informed. I was at home. My mind was racing yet I experienced a deep calmness.
So, as I promised I couldn't write everyday. So, today I decided to write everything. Right now, I have a big smile on my face. The founding assumption of my trip is been proven to be true. I met humanity and understood what we seek for. I thank the people of Santiniketan for the same. When I started this journey, I was apprehensive. I knew that God would be with me no matter what. Believe me, he was there with me in every step I took. He carried me in his arms. I feel like I am His child. People always said that we don't know what plans God might have for us. I believed and He responded. Never once did I feel alone. I am indebted for this feeling that I hold to humans who are so humane.
Let's start from the beginning. I started my journey to Santiniketan by leaving my hotel at 5 a m. I sure was afraid. I wanted to reach Howrah station. I was unable to book a taxi beforehand. Nonetheless, I left my hotel with all the luggage. I hailed a cab and got in. Before leaving I had the following conversation with one of the security guards at hotel.
Guard: Where are you going in the night?
I: It's not night. It's morning.
Guard: It's dark outside.
I: It will soon be bright.
Later, sitting in the taxi, I interpreted this conversation in a different light. I was defending the equal gender roles and he was kind of warning and cautioning me. I believe that until practised, equality cannot be realized. He believed that talking about equality is fine but practicing it in the world full of stereotypes and discrimination is difficult. One must exercise caution. We girls need to understand the difference between cowardice and caution. Then, we can feel as well as act free.
I took train to Santiniketan from Howrah and reached there. I caught fever due to exhaustion. I was sleeping in my hotel room for the whole day. The lodge manager got worried and came to check on me. I told him I am asleep due to fever. After some time, I went down and he was a little relieved. He insisted that I should eat. I went to a restaurant. I did not know anything. So, all I believed was Google maps. I walked 30 min to the restaurant. I ate food. Roti and Sabji. I met Ramu there. He told me that he knows a little bit of Marathi. He kept talking to me and making me feel comfortable and cared for. When I was about to reach the hotel, I had got lost. A lady who did not know Hindi helped me somehow with hand gestures. She breathed faith in me when I was starting to believe that there is no hotel and Google maps was wrong. However, that was not the case. I had nice dinner. Getting vegetarian food is another issue; however, if you do not complain a lot and are not super particular, you'll get decent vegetarian food. So, at the restaurant, Ramu told me that almost everything will be closed on the next day as it was Wednesday. I am not a person who gives up easily. So, I decided to go to a further rural area called Joydev. There is an amazing terracotta temple there. Deciding that, I went to sleep.
I woke up a little late. I followed through my plan. I had to go to Jamuni Bus Stand. From there, I had to take a bus to Joydev. I went to Jamuni by a cycle rickshaw, and the rickshaw driver helped me with the bus. By this time, my voice was a complete mess by the way. I had no choice but to talk in that voice. So, the person sitting next to me was quite pervert. He kept asking me personal questions, sat very close to me, and kept asking whether there is any work for him in Mumbai. I was irritated. I didn't know how to stop him. However, somehow, I lied and it saved me. When he asked me whether I am married, I told him that I am married and have a daughter. I still cannot believe that his questions reduced. I was saved.
I reached Joydev and was thoroughly impressed by witnessing the beauty of the temple. I took photos. Every year, there is a fair held here. Many folk singers participate. The river ajoy is considered to have waters of the Ganges on the 14
/15 January. People visit this place to take a holy dip in the river. I knew that the fair is not there. I wanted to visit the river. So, I went in that direction. (The priest told me that some drunkards have created a brawl in the other temple. Thus, it is not safe to visit.) One of the visitors at the temple followed me and insisted that I should have meal at a nearby stall. I didn't want to. He kind of stalked me. I gave in and had lunch with him ensuring that he ate the same food. Then, he insisted that I should visit a nearby temple. I went on. I still think it was a wrong decision though. So, we visited the Shiva temple almost half an hour away. He started insisting that I should visit a park. This time, my radar was on. I strongly denied. He tried to ask for my address and everything. I lied quite a lot. Ensuring to deliver only one message -- I am not available for anything. However, I kept telling him that it was a nice gesture and I will surely visit the village again. I am not saying that he had bad intentions. I was very unsure of everything about him though. So, I got in a bus as soon as we got back to Joydev. My return journey was quiet and safe. My head was paining. I took medication and slept while coming back. I felt better by the time, I got down from the bus. I bought apples for dinner.
I wanted to drink tea. In my hoarse voice, I asked for tea. After drinking tea, the tea lady asked what had happened my voice. She did not understand Hindi much. I told her about the cough and cold. One of the male regulars said that I should gargle with hot water. I told him there is no hot water at the lodge. The tea lady gestured that she can give me hot water. I got there with a bottle. But the plastic bottle cracked as the water was boiling. She gave me water in a glass and told me to return it. The gargling turned out to be miraculous. The next morning, my voice was better. When I was done gargling, I came down and the bellboy, Akash, started chatting. He wanted to teach me Bengali. He did teach me a few things. The manager was gone for the day. So, Akash kept chatting with me. I also enjoyed learning Bengali. Soon, the manager's two uncles came. I chatted with them. They were amazed at my alone trip. One of them grew quite fond of me. He helped me out with the number of a teacher at Vishwa Bharti, Santiniketan. He told me that I am like his daughter. I knew that this is a strong connection that has developed. I felt immensely blessed. I went to my room and slept. It was one of the most memorable days of my life for sure.
To be continued...
MiI reached Kolkata, more precisely Howrah station by 3:20 in the morning. I had cough and cold for which I still am on medication. In addition, the windy and cold breeze made my cough worse. And after almost four years, my voice is beyond recognition. Other than the fact that my parents are calling me on my phone, they do not have a faintest reason to believe that its me on the other side. Considering all this, I waited on Howrah station itself waiting for daybreak. Then, I headed to my rest house. I slept, bathed, ate, and did similar stuff.
Today, I learned something about myself. I am a person who avoids conflict, disorder, unrest. I would always go with others' opinions or choices unless doing so is wrong. I would place others' wishes before me. However, doing this may have led to my voice getting silenced, overlooked, or taken for granted. Today, I made all my decisions on my own. I actually lived by my choices. I don't know if they were right or wrong. They were my decisions and I feel responsible toward them. Let me confess something. I was considerably scared and confused before about all this. But, now, I have calmed down a bit. I feel like I am living my life for the first time. I decide the rules and limits here. Although there is significant amount of responsibility involved, it feels good to be under one's own skin.
After getting ready I went for lunch in a restaurant called Panna's Kitchen. There was nobody there. However, it was more interesting to find the restaurant than to eat in it. I wandered around the streets of Kolkata, the Behala area. It is an unkempt but warm city. People somehow knew that I don't belong here. The street vendors are quite different from those in Mumbai. I was happy to see ATMs and medical shops. One of the stationary shops mostly sold groceries. Most men on the road smoked which irritated me the most. My major shortcoming was language. I don't know Bengali. Today, everywhere I went, people started talking in Bengali. I took time to understand whether they are talking in Hindi or Bengali. Then, they turned to broken English or Hindi. I had problem understanding their bong accented English and Hindi, and they had problem figuring out what I was saying due to the cough.
However, I also observed that emotions surpass everything. I bought some things from an accessories shop. I told her that I don't understand Bengali; on the other hand, the only language she understood was Bengali. In spite of all this, I had the longest chat with her since I came to Kolkata. She inquired about my work, family, home, among other things. It is funny to see all the man-made barriers vanishing once a divine connection has been established. Believe me, it did not even take a complete minute.
I wrote this post sitting in CCD shop. The person working here told me all the places I should visit. He actually asked me to come again. This all started with him asking me how was my coffee and I telling him that it is sweeter than the one I get in Mumbai. He opened up saying that here people like it sweeter and thus no one had mentioned this. We went on and talked for a while.
Slowly, I am beginning to understand the decisions I took. I hope I am able to connect the dots.
Love you all. Miss y'all tremendously. <3
Today, I was woken up from my sleep by a rough voice. For a second, I was disoriented. Then, I realized that I was in the train and it was the ticket conductor (TC) calling me to check my ticket. Afterward, I tried going back to sleep but in vein. So, I woke up and brushed my teeth and everything.
It was time to eat some breakfast. So, l was all ready to order food. I did not want to eat anything fried. So, I ordered upma which in my case came by default with a meduwada. The vendor gave me the food and went on his way. I realized that he did not give me a spoon. If you know me, then you would be sure that I would carry a spoon. I definitely had one. I took it out and finished my breakfast. After a while, the same vendor came back. He had to take some money from my fellow passengers. He then realized that he forgot to give me a spoon. Thus, he offered the same to me. I denied it saying that I don't need it anymore. However, I was surprised by his memory, honesty, and sense of service. The whole situation was so hilarious.
My fellow passengers included a young man involved in drug development, a middle-aged man, an IIT Kharagpur student, and a six-person family (Mom, dad, grandpa, grandma, a 3-month-old son and a 5-year-old daughter). The daughter, Shabeen, was shy at first. Later, she became quite friendly. Thanks to her, I did not know how the time flied away. She became our teacher and ordered us to keep quiet and fold our hands. It was fun to be around her.
One last story of yesterday and I am winding up this boring post. So, Shabeen got this game from one of the venders. She actually threw a tantrum for the same. The game was very basic. There was a small screen filled with water. It had two poles and tiny rings. There were two control buttons. All one had to do was press those and insert the rings into the poles. However, this was very difficult to achieve. So, Shabeen started to punch the buttons. Later, when the drug developer guy told her to do the same with her feet, she actually did it.
We all shared amazing moments of laughter. I felt that the beginning was definitely good and encouraging.
I couldn't post this yesterday -- network problem. However, I will definitely try and post what happens today.
Cheers :)
One day, I decided that I want to take a break for myself -- alone. It really sounded quite fantastic in my head. And also very easy. Like so many other things I manage to make happen -- due to the stubborn person that I am -- I followed my decision through. Here, I am. I actually planned a journey to a state I always wanted to visit. West Bengal. This all worked well with the work I wanted to do with an NGO in Bihar.
So, initially, it was just a thought, an idea. It started taking shape slowly and gradually.
Now, I have actually started my journey. My train has left. With a quite heavy backpack and a small bag, I am all set to all the new things that await me in West Bengal and Bihar.
One of my former colleague suggested that I should write about what I did everyday on my blog. I think this is an amazing idea. So, here comes my first entry. I don't know how much I will be able to write or how consistent I will be. All things said, I have decided to write.
I will be in the train for almost one and a half day. So, let's see what I experience and learn.
Today, my journey begins.
