Simple Harmonic Motion

This is how google describes simple harmonic motion: oscillatory motion under a retarding force proportional to the amount of displacement from an equilibrium position. I know that this can happen with your mood as well. However, what I experienced recently was not what I would call mood swings.

It is indeed an amazing feeling to be self-reliant. However, it may not work always. It gets really very tiring. Especially when you are convinced that something is wrong and you are not the reason that it is wrong. As a psychologist and a die-hard fan of choice theory, I always keep telling myself that Amruta, darling, you are responsible for what you feel. However, practicing this every time and snapping out of whatever level of purgatory you are on is not as easy.

You see, blaming is easy. It helps you shun away the responsibility. Something similar happened to me.

Weekends are not the best part of my life, especially when I don’t have something to look forward to. I can handle a day which is directionless but not two-three days consequently handed to me without a notice. It doesn’t seem like a very open person’s life. That’s not true and if you know me you would agree with that. So, I had almost a non-working Friday (Compared to my 12 h workday, I had to work for just 3 h). So, I chilled, slept on time and slept till late.

I did a lot of work that day. I laundered my clothes, tidied up my cupboard, cleaned a bit here and there, sorted out clothes for some alteration or repair work. It was a productive afternoon. I also worked a bit. Then, since my mum wanted to go to this reception and it was a bit late, I went with her. I was tired by the time I came home slept.

Next day, I woke up relatively on time. I had nothing to look forward to and I got to know about it quite early in the morning. My Sunday plan was cancelled as my friend had some family thing. I had some shopping to do related to work. I decided that I will dress up for myself and have a good time. I refused to shop for my home as I really didn’t want to do anything for someone else which is always the case. I wanted this evening to be a good evening for myself. However, as a responsible person I couldn’t say no when requested to again and again. That’s how I think it started. I had this thought that if nobody ever offers to do my work or shop for me, why should I be the courteous one. Nonetheless, I shopped. I bought a pastry for myself and ate it. It felt nice but there was a sudden surge of happiness and emptiness. It was so good that it pained.

I called and chatted with my friend. After all, it was Christmas and I had wanted to meet her but couldn’t as I was supposed to be with some other friend. She told me that she had missed me. Again, it felt so good that it hurt. I walked back home and tried calling some other people, who either didn’t pick up or told me that they were busy. I got to know that I was going to have a relatively less busy day again the next day. I called up friends to make plans but they seemed too busy to talk to or receive their so-called best friend’s call. This calling others is not a one-time thing with me. I randomly message, mail and call people to know whether they are doing well. It’s nice to know that all are doing well and are healthy. However, this isn’t as good as it looks. Gradually, you start realizing that people don’t call you on their own and they may not even call back. That kind of is sad. More than them not staying in touch, you realizing it is the sad part.

I am not blaming literally, not now anyways. I know people are essentially good and they don’t intend to harm you or neglect/ignore you. They just are really caught up in their lives—be it family, friends, colleagues or anyone else crossing your path. Generally, I won’t let myself get affected by this. I wasn’t just in the mood to accommodate the hundreds and thousands of excuses people might have for not staying in touch.

So, let’s get back to my lousy mood. Not only did I start blaming others and speaking and thinking bitterly about them but I actually started internalizing their behaviour. My self-talk was something like this:

I am such a sloppy person that people must be finding it difficult to connect to me.

Anyways that friend of mine said that I talk a lot. I do, don’t I? That’s why all the people go away.

Don’t people say that I am too intense?

What did some of them called me? Yes, impulsive.

Oh yes! There are those who call me immature.

What all my friends call me (they say it as a joke but they mean it, don’t they?): Mad, abnormal…

Such kind of self-talk doesn’t life your mood up for sure. It happens within nanoseconds. I didn’t even realize it until the psychotherapist in me was like, “Give it rest, lady!”

I digress a bit, of course. So, one of my friends (I was mad like lava at all of them for not listening to my yapping, especially not picking up my calls) called back (she is quite close to me). I lashed out at her in all the ways possible. I told her that she needn’t call at all. She told me she was sad that I was sad. It was so horrible situation that I felt confused but good in a weird sort of a way. It didn’t help at all. I wasn’t up to feeling anything good. Then, she did the mistake that we as psychologists are trained not to do. She told me that I should be realistic and understand that people don’t have time. The utopian concept of friendship is nothing but a lie—an illusion, as I like to call it. No one can be there for others when they want them to be. People are there with you according to their convenience. I was hurt. I knew this all my life. I just didn’t want to listen it then. I told her if that was the case, then it was worthless communicating with anybody about your pain. You might as well tell everyone that you are happy and be as sad as you wanted in front of your mind’s eye. Else, don’t communicate anything at all.

I realized why I was feeling like this. One generally tends to look at others with the goggle of his/her personal experiences. Since I make it a point to express my gratitude, happiness, care, I instinctively started believing that people would be equally comfortable with this. I was shattered once again and now, I am awed.

What goes around comes around.

How many people would say this and it’s all there in the moral stories. However, looking from a rational perspective, this is nothing but a irrational thought which builds up expectations. Expectations are sure to lead to disillusionment. They did in my case.

Next was the question of whether or not I should stop doing what I do. My instant response was to run away as far as I can, considering all the constraints of the situation. It was an easy way out. Why do good to others when it may not come back. Why care about others and pray for them when they don’t care enough. Why be there for people, when they aren’t there for you. Generally, I would have changed my thoughts telling myself that we don’t live for others. Our actions should be exclusive of others thinking, beliefs and actions. Otherwise, I would tell myself that I should maintain how Amruta is.

This time, it was something else that changed. It was much more than it. It was another belief. A belief of a dual existence of myself, a capability to love unconditionally that moved me.

I just thought it was the Christmas day. Shall I give up on being good? Did any saint gave up on being good. Didn’t all the stories tell us that good people always suffered. Many stories even tell us that they had tragic ends. So, if I stop being good, stop expressing my genuine self, can I ensure a fulfilling end and even further a happy ending. I anyways don’t know what tomorrow has in store for me.

I might end up in the Pluto’s world of ideas, Descartes’ doubt or Dante’s inferno. At least, I will think I led a good life if I continue being good, genuine and most importantly, me.

When I would finally meet my dear friend death, it’s my life as I see it is going to flash in front of me. So, why not make it the way I feel it and consider best.

In retrospection, I was swayed to one end by bunch of stupid thoughts and emotions in nanosecond and was swayed back to the centre after a lot of swaying by equally senseless self-talk. I would say that the oscillations are still happening but they seem to have sped down. That’s kind of a relief.

You never know, it might even be PMS. It would be even stupid reason.

I am enjoying it though. They say, people are unaware of this or cannot articulate. I would say they are blessed, or are they?

But

Confused, alone, arduous
self motivated
Waiting, wanting, searching
Intention of giving
Aching, tired, injured
Unstoppable
Failed, shattered, suffocated
Not giving up
Blotchy eyed, throat choked, shivering
Faint smile
Hopeless, helpless, heartaches
Grateful

Choices? Coincidence? God?

It was Friday, 28^th October 2016. I was feeling quite weird. I really didn’t know why I was feeling so low. It is funny that you yourself don’t know why you are feeling so low. Low moods come and go in my case, but when they say, it’s different.

I posted this on Facebook and asked for suggestions. One of them suggested me to travel and other asked me to shout. I couldn’t shout walking on the streets or in front of my students; thus, I ran really fast on the road and even managed to catch a bus due to that.

I was working that day. It was quite a day that I spent with my students. I was tired and quite unwell by the time I returned. I took medication in the evening. All I could manage to do was eat. I couldn’t sleep for a long time. When I finally slept, I couldn’t wake up.

Sometimes, it breaks your heart that you waited for a particular day and you couldn’t celebrate it. That was the case with me as well. I woke up late, was lazy, had hardly any appetite. Finally, I talked to a friend and he agreed to meet me. But, he had less time. I couldn’t tell me what was bothering me, even the little bit that I knew. I noticed that he was upset. We couldn’t talk about that either. We talked about something else altogether.

I was out of my house. When my friend left, I didn’t return home. I decided to make it my day. I went and asked a lady to apply Mehendi/Hena on my hand. With one hand filled with Hena, I went and shopped for myself. I shopped for things that I always wanted to buy. I wouldn’t say I was happy that I finally had those things, but I was super happy that I shopped for myself for a change. It felt awesome. I had two days ahead of me. I decided that I wouldn’t spend them at home as that would fuel my low mood. I went on the internet and searched. I found some things that I could do for the next three days.

I went and tried learning a dance called Shim Sham. I met new people. I learnt something new. I ate at a new restaurant. I understood new things about myself and others around me. It was something new that I looked at from completely different perspective as well. The way the organizer was surprized was interesting.

When I returned home, I finalized my plans for the next two days and I went to shop for my trip the next two days and the festival, of course. I generally don’t dress up. However, I did that day. I also met a friend afterward. I enjoyed dressing up.

The next two days, I went for a trek and I met a bunch of complete strangers whom I got to know more throughout the trek. So many new people with their different professions, backgrounds, ideologies, beliefs, disbeliefs!! It was so much fun to listen to them. I learnt quite a lot, probably much more than I would have learnt from reading a book sitting at home, probably much more than I would have learnt from reading a book sitting at home.

Simply being there for basically nothing and quite everything was calming. I forgot the unrest, the low mood, the world.

I wouldn’t go ahead and say that I connected with people there. However, I did learn so many things from them.

Above all, I learnt things about myself.

I used to always doubt myself regarding my choice of job (although only a little bit) and whether I am suitable to it. I found myself behaving in line with my choice. I was comfortable staying at my own pace. Like I would have in the past, I didn’t try and adjust my pace for others. I liked that about myself. I still was bad at understanding sarcastic comments, jokes but I managed either ignoring them or finding something more interesting.

I learnt how I still like to believe that the world is fair and good and that was so not the case most of the times.

Life wouldn’t be bed of roses. Life wouldn’t be bed of thorns.

Life would be life.

Life would be as you make it. Life would be as you perceive it.

I kept remembering Jonathan Livingston Seagull.

I returned home. I charged my phone. There was my charming friend sending me a link to a YouTube video on Jonathan Livingston Seagull.

I simply loved the way things did work out.

My belief was emphasized. “God really doesn’t give you more than you can handle” and whatever it is “it too shall pass.”

सीता : मला कायम छळणारं एक अस्तित्व

खूप प्रश्न पडतात कधीकधी.

उत्तरही अगदी मिळत नाहीतच असं काही नाही.

पण गोंधळ उडतो.

सीता! हे दोन अक्षरी नाव जितके प्रश्न उपस्थित करतं तितके प्रश्न उपस्थित करण्याचं सामर्थ्य खचितच दुसऱ्या कुठल्याही नावात असेल. तिचं सगळं असणंच एक मोठा प्रश्न आहे असं वाटल्यावाचून राहत नाही.

तिचं स्वयंवर रचून वाल्मिकींनी तिच्या स्वतंत्र व्यक्तित्वाची मुहूर्तमेढच रोवली जणू.

त्यानंतर तिचा नवऱ्याबरोबरचा वनवासाचा निर्णय पुन्हा एकदा अधोरेखित करतो कि ती कशालाच घाबरत नव्हती. तिचं सोन्याच्या लंकेत अशोक वाटिकेत राहणं दाखवून जातं कि तिला आयुष्याकडून संपत्ती नव्हे तर शांतीची अपेक्षा होती.

तिचं अग्निदिव्य हा कायमच एक चर्चेचा विषय असतो स्वतःला स्त्रीवादी म्हणवून घेणाऱ्यांचा तर विशेषतः. स्वतःवर प्रचंड विश्वास असलेली स्त्रीच हे करू शकते.

मी स्वतः अनेक वर्ष वाल्मिकींना दोष दिला कि त्यांनी रामाकडून अशा अग्निदिव्याची साक्ष का नाही मागितली. सीतेच्या प्रेमाला ज्या अग्निदिव्याची गरज नव्हती त्याची कोत्या आणि संकुचित मनाच्या पुरुषप्रधान समाजाला एका स्त्रीकडून होती हे एवढं साधं आहे त्याचा उत्तर.

आजही बलात्कार झाल्यावर आपण म्हणतो कि "ती"चं आयुष्य उध्वस्त झालं. "त्या"ला कितीही शिक्षा झाली तरी त्याचं सहज लग्न होतं आणि "तो" वावरतोही समाजात उजळ माथ्याने. "ती" मात्र कायम कलंकित. का?
आणि जसं बलात्कार झाल्यावर त्यासाठी न्याय मागण्याच्या प्रक्रियेत आणि नंतर एकूणच सामान्य आयुष्य जगण्यात बाईचा पुन्हा पुन्हा बलात्कार होतो आणि तिला अग्निदिव्य करतंच जगावं लागतं अगदी तसंच सीतेला पुन्हा वनवास भोगावा लागतो.

राम तर खेळणं वाटतो मला ह्या सगळ्यात. म्हणजे त्याच्या इच्छेला आणि व्यक्तिस्वातंत्र्याला काही अर्थच नाहीये. आणि तोही भरकटल्यासारखा समाजनियम, लोकापवाद, रीतिरिवाज, परंपरा यात वाहवत जातो. तिथे आणि केवळ तिथेच चुकतो तो. त्याला जे हवंय त्यासाठी निदान त्यासाठी तरी त्याने लढायला हवं होतं असं वाटत राहतं.

काय करुण दुःख रंगावलंय वाल्मिकींनी. ती आई होते आणि आपलं प्रेम निभावते आणि तो दुसरं लग्न करणं नाकारतो.

एवढा शक्तिशाली राजा तो आणि हतबल. याउलट "जी" ला "अबला" म्हणतात ती "ती" मात्र इतकी सक्षम.

एकदा पत्नी म्हणून आणि एकदा स्त्री म्हणून वनवास काय स्वीकारते. एकटी आई म्हणून खंबीरपणे उभी काय राहते. स्वतःच्या स्वाभिमानासाठी परत जाणं काय नाकारते.

वाल्मिकी वर्षोनुवर्ष ओरडताहेत कि "ती" अबला नाही आणि "तो" दिसतो तितका सबळ नाही. रामराज्य अजिबात छान नव्हतं आणि ते परत घडू नये हेच बरं.

आपण मात्र चुकीची री ओढत जगतोय.

जगतोय का काय करतोय तो रामच जाणे!

त्याचा विरह जास्त एकटा (भावना व्यक्त करायची मनाई म्हणून) असूनही समाज त्याला भावना होत्या हे अमान्य करत गाणी मात्र कायम तिच्या ओठीच विरहगीतं गात राहणार. हाय रे दुर्दैव!

विविध अंगांनी आत्ता असलेली स्त्री-पुरुष विषमता सरून कधीतरी मानव्याचा विजय होईल का?

हा नरकासुर संपेल, तेव्हा वाल्मिकींची खरी दिवाळी उजाडेल.

Breathe

Sometimes, you don't know what you are doing. You don't know what you want to hear. You don't know why you are trying. Basically, the unknown things are so many that you are lost.

You try different ways to deal with it. You try to make sense. It still doesn't make sense.

You express this feeling of unknown to yourself and probably even decide to share the discomfort.

The first reaction to this can literally be anything.

Surprise: If you expected something different, surprise is natural. I mean, come on, what surprise, you will be shocked.

Fear: Fear of failure? Fear of unknown? The fear that naturally follows uncertainty. Whatever emotion you feel, this one is mixed with it, obviously if it's not the major one.

Sadness: Being lost can make you feel sad. For us humans, being in dark is related to survival. So, we start thinking that our survival is threatened.

After all this, somewhere there would be acceptance. It would crop in because there is no other way.
Maybe you are satisfied that you gave everything you could and you would not want to try.
Maybe you believe that it may have a meaning in the bigger scheme of things.
Maybe someone suggested it to you and you decided to try.
There can be hundreds of situations and the response would be the same. At the end, acceptance would be the key.

Today, I felt confused and the fear of unknown cropped in a bit.

At the end, I realized that I am breathing. That was enough to bring the acceptance.

Wait

I wait.

The waiting is good.

I do a lot of things which I like.

Listen to music.

Crochet something if I am carrying my bag.

Work if I am not too bored and tired.

Read something.

Write something.

Eat my food.

Follow up my to do list.

Sleep.

Meditate.

Rest.

Get emotional.

Reminisce in memories.

Daydream.

Argue with myself.

Message people when necessary and very rarely also when not necessary.

The wait gets over. I continue with my schedule.

Sometimes, waiting doesn't seem to end.

I simply hope.

I keep hoping.

I urge myself to hope.

I tell myself that hoping is good.

I tell myself that I shouldn't ever give up.

I promise myself that I won't give up because if I am still breathing, somewhere someone hasn't given up on me yet.

Thus, I hope, I hope and I hope.

And yes,

I wait.

I won't ask you to read...

To you,

I am a believer.
Eventually everything would be all right.
Some day, I would understand the reason for my existence.
Everyday, I at least try and extend a helping hand to someone in need.
Everything has a soul--living or non living.
This too shall pass.
One day, I would be holding hand of someone who believes.

Yet, I won't ask you to believe. I promise.

I am a woman.
I am a feminist who would never endorse feminism.

I would not tell you which side you should take. I promise.

I am truthful.
It's hard for me to lie.
I am honest to the point of being blatant and rude.
I remember every lie that I tell even to myself.
I feel hurt when someone lies to me.

Yet, I would not ask you to be truthful to me. I promise.

I am a loner.
I like to spend time with myself.
I cherish talking to myself. That's how I deal with my things.

I would never ask you to try being alone. I promise.

I am a friend.
I would like to be there for someone when they want me to be there.
I may never call and ask to meet. I am concerned about disturbing.

I would never ask you to be there for me. I promise.

I pray.
I would always remember you.
I would always pray for your well-being.
For me, prayers hold power. Thus, I would always pray for you.

I would never ask you to pray. I promise.

I worry.
I don't like to show my worry but I am worried about you.
Every now and then I may text you asking you general questions.
I like to know that the people I care about are safe and sound,

I would never want you to be worried. I promise.

I am a lover.
It a a blessing to be able to love somebody.
Loving helps me accept and nurture myself as well as others.
It gives me power, serenity and sleep.

I would not ask you to love me, I would at least try. I promise.

I told you what I am. I understand that you are not me. That's the best thing about you. I respect that. We are expressions on a human face. The muscles are the same but what is being expressed is different.

We are unique creations of mother nature.

This realization makes you an indispensable part of me and my world.

I am glad that I know you.

From,
me.

Unannounced Chit-chat

Dear Amruta,

There is always so much to tell someone. Do we really find people to talk nowadays. We have so many people we could talk to but we choose not to sometimes. All are busy in their own lives.

We say that we live but do we?

I ask this question not out of any cynicism. If someone is really happy and content with what they are doing with their life, I am happy for them. I wouldn't say I don't miss a constant companion. I won't say that my habit of making friendship with all the so-called non-living things doesn't help me. Because it does. I am surrounded by them and they are the ones who are there for me constantly. Not real physical human beings. Today's world has deprived us of gatherings in the evening and took us far away from deliberately meeting each other physically. We have made it a habit to feel content with the "chats" we type. I sometimes think that after a while the phrase "having a chat" would evolve to become "typing a chat." I don't know if this is sad or happy.

We feel connected but we are not.

Sometimes, I think about a flower and the natural process of life and death it goes through. I opens up completely and then starts shrinking. I used to associate this with knowing oneself in the light of the context and then knowing oneself from within devoid of the context. Now, I associate the opening of the flower to the opening up to the society and then we start shrinking. The current social conversations sometimes make me feel that we are shrinking.

Take an example. Would you dare to enter someone else's house without ringing the doorbell even if you know them really well. Frankly, I wouldn't. When I go to my native place in a village, it is okay for them to enter each others' house unannounced. In fact, when I hesitate, they consider it offensive. Believe me, they aren't aware of what I am doing or what I think. But knowing me is enough for them to welcome me as gladly as a family member. No formalities. Here, I go to everyone's house making an appointment well in advance, making a call beforehand and still ringing the bell when I reach.

This makes me question a lot of things.

Before I talk about my questions, I would like to share a story with you. Once upon a time, a princess decided to travel. She wanted to explore the world. The king was worried. He wanted to protect his daughter. He ordered the cobbler to gather all the leather and cover the whole earth with it. A wise man then suggested the king that he rather make something that would cover his daughter's feet as that seemed to be a simpler and doable option.

To save ourselves from unwanted house-guests, we invented the door. It was indeed a barrier but we decided to live with it as it was important for safety. Tents still don't have doors. But what people living in tent know about safely?! In the spirit of personal space and safety, we developed the whole antiquate of taking an appointment or at least announcing our visit. It comes to us naturally that we don't feel that it is a barrier. We feel safer if we have prior knowledge. Our personal space is safe. When telephones came, people started being less bothered about remembering the little details as we could always confirm later. I will share my friend's example. We were in school together. We didn't have a phone initially. She would copy the homework properly. If she missed something, she would come up to my house and ask me. Once my dad bought the phone, her afternoon calls became a ritual. She would call everyday to confirm the homework. So, we became less attentive.

Now, we drop a message before we call somebody. We don't want to disturb them and trouble them. So, we developed different applications. We have developed different emoticons, stickers, etc. All these express all that we want to say through an image to achieve more accuracy of emotional expression. But you know what, with this we have developed features like block, mute, etc. So, we can be safe in our balloon.

Do you get my point now? This is what I mean by shrinking. I understand that we want to be safe. But this feels like we are afraid of everything that comes our way. The moment we are born, we know that we would die. That's the one truth from which none of us can escape. Still, we want to save ourselves. I ask "from what?" Sadness?

Are we happy after limiting our contact list like this and taking an appointment so that we can cry about our worries with a friend? To have a nice cup of coffee, we plan a week in advance. To celebrate our birthdays, people either plan really in advance or we give number of parties over weekends in our birthday month.

We have made social communication a sort of a luxury. When in reality, it is a need.

I am not saying I go unannounced everywhere. Of course, I don't. But, I have stopped worrying about people considering me mad when I talk to myself or trees, rain, clouds, computer, book, pen, pencil, etc. I know people won't have time for me. I can make better friends and if you choose to believe me, they are good.

I surely don't take an appointment with myself. I remember someone telling me that I should make a timetable and allot a time for myself. I mean, this may work with people but not me. I can't decide this is the time I would talk to myself. I am not afraid of what I feel, I am not going to gather emotions of the whole day and sort them out at one appointed time. No, you may call me unorganized, I am going to express what I feel when I feel it. I would rather sort it out then and there taking two-minute time out than wait for an appointment with myself.

I know that people may feel insecure. I also feel insecure about hundreds of things. One thing for sure, I am not afraid of myself and my life. I am happy about all the surprises, good or bad alike, that my life has in store of me. That way I have lesser regrets.

I didn't know I wanted to meet you today. I felt like meeting you. So, I came here and shared my thoughts. Today, I would sleep with no regrets and peace. Till we see each other again...

Yours,
Amruta

माझी शामली आणि गंतव्य

माझी शामली आणि गंतव्य

माझी शामली
शामली ह्या नावाशी माझं काहीसं जुनं नातं आहे.

मी लहान असताना केबल टी व्ही नुकताच आला होता आमच्या घरी. तेव्हा मोजक्याच वाहिन्या पाहता यायच्या. तेव्हा एक मालिका लागायची--४०५ आनंदवन. अजूनही त्याचं शीर्षकगीत पाठ आहे मला. त्यामध्ये एक व्यक्तिरेखा होती "शामली" नावाची. साधी, भावनाशील, मर्यादाशील तरीही खंबीर, काहीशी गंभीर, आनंदी, प्रेम करणारी शामली. फार आवडायची मला. मी खूप लहान होते तेव्हा तरीही खूप लक्षात राहून गेलंय तिचं वागणं आणि वावरही.

त्यानंतर बऱ्याच वर्षांनी महाविद्यालयात प्रवेश घेतला. तिथे एक सखी भेटली. तीही बरीचशी अशीच होती. पण तिच्या अस्तित्वाला कायम एक दुखरी किनार असल्यासारखी होती. खूप जवळून अनुभवता आलं तिच्याबरोबर असणं. वाईट एकाच गोष्टीचं वाटतं कि नाही साथ निभावता आली. घट्ट पकडून ठेवलेला हात कधी सुटून गेला कळलाच नाही. तिची मैत्री मला मात्र खट्टू करून गेली स्वतःबाबातच. ती वाऱ्याच्या आल्हाददायक झुळूकेसारखी आली आणि हुरहुरणारी जखम देऊन गेली.

त्यानंतर श्यामली भेटली ती पु ल देशपांड्यांच्या "मुक्काम शान्तिनिकेतन" मधून. मनात इतकं घट्ट घर केलं तिने कि मी पैसे जमताच प्रथम तिथे गेले. तिथे काम चालू होतं. श्यामली म्हणजे एक झोपडीच. उत्तरायण नावाच्या शान्तिनिकेतानाच्या फार शांत परिसरातली एक निरंतर शांत जागा. याची देही घेतलेला तो अनुभव याची डोळा कधीही जागा होतो. हि श्यामली जे देऊन गेली त्याचं वर्णन करणं हा मूर्खपणा किंवा अपराध ठरेल. पु ल नी सांगितल्याप्रमाणे ती एक विलक्षण अनुभूती आहे यात वाद नाही.

याच्या मध्ये एका चित्रपटात शामली भेटली होती "आजा नचले" नावाच्या. एका गावाचं नाव जिथे साहित्य-संगीत-कला याचा आदर केला जाई आणि मग पुनरुद्धारही. हिने मनाला फारसं हिंदोळवलं नसलं तरी तिचाही सबंध अशा आयुष्य उजळून टाकणाऱ्या चिरंतन गोष्टींशी होता हे मनात अधोरेखित होत राहिलं.

आज उगाच वाटलं कि काही गोष्टी लक्षात राहून जातात विनासायास, नकळत...
विचारांच्या अवर्तांचे खोल डोह भरत राहतात असेच काठोकाठ...







गंतव्य
आगगाडी किंवा बस म्हटलं कि पहिला विचार असतो तो थांब्याचा. कुठे चढायचं आणि कुठे उतरायचं हे निश्चित असतं.

प्रवासात हे थांबे पुढे सरकतंच राहतात आपण लक्षं द्या किंवा नका देऊ. आपला सबंध पुष्कळदा केवळ चढण्याच्या आणि उतरण्याच्या थांब्याखेरीज कशाशीही येत नाही. तरीही खिडकीतून डोकावून बघताना अनेक गोष्टी ओळखीच्या, सवयीच्या होवून जातात. त्यात होणारे बदल कधी जाणवतात कधी नाही.

आयुष्याची वाट जशी वळणं घेते तसे हे चढायचे आणि उतरायचे थांबे बदलत जातात. महाविद्यालयाच्या थांब्यावर शिक्षणानंतर उतरणं होतंच असं नाही. त्यानंतर पहिली नोकरी. तिचा थांबा वेगळा, चढायचा आणि उतरयाचाही. मग नोकरीनुसार हे थांबे असेच बदलत राहतात. सोयारीकीचाही ह्या थांब्यांच्या सततच्या बदलांवर परिणाम होतो. फार क्वचित एखाद्याच्या आयुष्याची वाट एकाच थांब्याभोवती घोटाळत राहते.

एकूण काय, थांबे बदलतंच राहतात. कधी प्रवासात दिसले तर अनेक आठवणींचे भ्रमर रुंजी घालतात पण तिथे फार काळ रेंगाळता येत नाही. आता दुसरी कुठेतरी पोचायचं असतं. त्या जुन्या गंतव्य स्थळाकडे बघून वाटतं कि बराच काळ आपला प्रवास इथेच संपायचा. आता दुसरी कुठेतरी संपतो. त्याही पलीकडे असाही विचार येतो कि काय हे सांप्रत गंतव्य कायमचं असेल कि तेही बदलेल.

आयुष्याच्या प्रवासाबरोबर बदलणारे थांबे आपलेसे करत मी वाट पाहत राहते अंतिम गन्तव्याची.

आसमान

अपने हिस्सें का आसमान क्या मांग लिया
मानो के सबसे बड़ी भूल हो गयी
अपने दर्द पें खुलके कर्रराहने चाहा
तो दुनिया ने उपेक्षा की नजरें भेट में दी
साथ माँगा
तो काबिल साथी न मिल सका
खुदसे जो दोस्ती जमाई
तो लोगों ने खुदगर्ज कह दिया
लोगों का कहा अनसुना किया
तो हो गए हम खुदपसन्द और आवारा
कभी लगता है की
काश लोगों ने कुछ सुना भी होता
आंसू तब भी थे और आज भी हैं
तब दुःख था आज एहसानमंदी हैं
एक ही इल्तजा हैं
की नाशुक्री न बनु
ए खुदा तुमने जिंदगी की नेमत से नवाजा हैं
बस जी भर के जीं लूं इसे

Today is the day to say thank you

I started my Journey around Dassera. Here, Dassera is believed to be the day when positivity took over negativity. It is also a day when you cross boundaries. I was leaving my known zone and took a leap toward the unknown. I went to search something called happiness. I had two of my best friends with me--faith and patience. Still everything was new, uncertain, and honestly, a bit scary. 

During my travel, I found many bits and pieces of happiness scattered around me. I was astonished to find them. I wanted them in my daily life. These wanderings taught me more about myself than anything I had ever done. It also taught me to make quick decisions. More than anything, it taught me to believe in myself and my capabilities. It taught me that there would be positive things in the midst of negative ones. It's what I choose to see, pick up, and remember that would make a difference. The happiness would always be scattered in the path along with sadness, hardships, brutality, and so on. The same goes for people. I really met many people. I remember the people who were so caring, helpful, believing, positive, and simply great. Looking back carefully, I definitely met some people who were not good. However, their memories hardly ever cross my mind. My mind seems to cherish the hospitality more.

Then, there are people who showed more interest in my purpose behind the journey. I had left my job which was paying me good. I was searching for a work that would be me and give me happiness, content, and peace. This is difficult to explain. I explained this to many people like fellow travelers, friends, family, co-workers, volunteers at Wall Art Festival, students, bellboys. Basically, I explained it to all who really wanted to know and all who cared enough to endure my weird explanation. I even found some interviewers who were keen. The variety of reactions I received were interesting. From nonchalance to awe and from utter disbelief to complete support. I was called crazy as people believed that there was nothing called happiness in work. I was called bold and courageous as I was leaving something that was secure. Some people believed and encouraged me beyond expectation. 

Along with few of my friends, these people included some of the people I met while I was traveling and the Wall Art Festival volunteers. Even when I was uncertain about my future, they gave me hope and reassured me. 

I went for interviews and I would try and find if the role is what I want to do. Having some experience and building on the same is easier than trying hard to figure out what one wants to do. Never did I feel a strong pull toward a particular profile. 

Waiting and keeping faith is not as easy as it sounds. My battle was not only finding what I want to do but also not losing myself in the process. I had to again choose what I would compromise on. There are so many things happening around you, so many things people say and do that losing hope is question of a moment. I had my moments. I had one of my closest friend telling me to give money priority. I could see doubt on all the people in my family. This wasn't encouraging in particular. Indeed there were people who constantly told me to keep trying. 

It was a morning when I was returning home after Wall Art Festival was over that I realized what I wanted. I was crying sad tears for separating with the Wall Art Festival team and happy tears as I had finally realized my goal, at least for the time being.

So, today, I want to thank everybody who was there for me in some way or the other.

It is the start of the Marathi (Maharashtra) new year. I want to believe that you all would always be there with me.   

Thank you so much to all for everything.

Being there…

I always wanted someone to be there for me. It was a dream of me since I was a child. Sometimes, I used to feel that it would be so easy if I do not have to articulate my needs and emotions at all. The world would have been a perfect place if there was someone who read my thoughts and understood my needs without me uttering the word. Obviously, there was and is no one in my life who would be that ideal person. I missed that person like anything. To be honest, I still do sometimes.

The world had different things in store for me though. I felt lonely as expressing my emotions and needs was not my comfort zone. I dreamed and dreamed of someone who would come along and be this amazing person for me. The feeling that someone would be there who would know me in and out even if the world misunderstands me was amazing even in dreams. I was fortunate enough to meet many people who came quite close to the description. However, this just proved to be the silver lining to the dark cloud. I mean those people were great; however, they failed to either convey their understanding or simply misunderstood or misinterpreted the signals. Still, they were there for me in their own way. I am grateful for that.

My search continued. It was a fruitless search anyways. It was a fun search though. I mean whatever you do or whatever someone else does, no one can be your alter ego. The expectation itself is irrational. I was giving up and settling for so many great people that I had. These people had made me realize a lot of things about myself. Without realizing, I started becoming increasingly open about my emotions and needs. I had realized that someone else would understand my needs and emotions when I express them clearly and precisely. In my search of the person who understands me perfectly, I started getting closer to myself. Frankly speaking, there were times when I did not understand what I was feeling. I did not know I needed a hug or a cup of a tea. I realized that even I cannot be that person myself. How on earth someone else was going to be that person for me. 

I found a lot of things lying inside myself that did not know their place. So, I started getting acquainted with them. It was a learning experience to understand something about oneself. Then, there were other times when someone else just happen to understand what I need more than I did. I had very thoughtful moments when the people who understood me were actually strangers. My self-talk was, “How can they know what I need?” It is a wonderful when you look at yourself from a stranger’s perspective.

Through such things, I started discovering that person who knew me in and out. I was glad to meet that person. It is not every day that you are completely and precisely understood. However, this became a fact for me. I had finally found somebody who was my perfect partner. From that day onward, I have hardly ever felt lonely. I always tell my friends I may be alone but not lonely. It was bliss.

As anyone can easily guess that person is me. I became my person (this is for Grey’s Anatomy fans out there). The other me still has problems understanding me. However, together we pass each and every hurdle we come across. As I have mentioned in my earlier posts, I merely stopped waiting for somebody without realizing it. I am just with me. I do enjoy this.

And I yell at myself:

I will be there for you

‘Cause you’re there for me, too

Warning!! Emotions ahead!!

Things get difficult sometimes. It indeed seems that there is no way out. But I would always say that my complaints are always addressed to my God as is my gratitude. 

This is a cry of a girl who lost the most important person in her life more than five years ago. She lost hope that day. Losing anything is difficult. However, if you have hope, you can always come back. Losing hope leads you to a perpetual night. Her fingers still tremble and her lips shiver when she comes face to face with her grief. She was quite attached to that person. She tried to find someone. She is still trying to find someone. She knows that what she shared with him is never going to come back. That’s the reason she was hopeless. She covered her hopelessness with anger, frustration, rebelliousness, arrogance, stubbornness. She hid her grief as she could not find anyone to share it. 

She could not succeed in many things she did. She worked hard. She couldn’t avoid her feelings coming in her way though. Leading a seemingly normal life after a huge loss is certainly not easy. The days are filled with something or the other. It is the nights that trouble the most. After a busy day when she would lie down on her bed, her feelings would come back to haunt her. However, life had to continue.

It was easy to build a wall around oneself than confide. Like a story in which a princess wanted to roam the world and her father wanted to cover the entire world with leather. Someone suggested that the princess simply cover her feet with leather instead. In a similar way, rather than communicating her sorrow, she decided that it was easy to protect it. In a way, she is still protecting some of it. There were people who tried to offer her comfort. Alas! She couldn’t get any. Gradually, she could face her loss and fear. She found good friends. However, she went far far away from the people lived with her. They just became strangers—adults who were enveloped in their own world and who did not have any time for her emotions.

She started growing up. She started handling her own issues and problems. She started deciding to be independent. It was a journey she began without much of her free will. She was confused. She did not know which way was up. There came a moment of realization when her aimless pursuits stopped being aimless. The road she chose led her to calmness. She knew she wanted to achieve composure and independence. She realized that she cannot crumble down so easily but should support herself. She found people around her who were ready to help. She did not know that even if no one else is there she would be there for herself. This gave her the reassurance she was searching for. 

The most important person in her life is still the most important person in her life. She would not have been able to travel on this road of self-search without immense guidance from him. There were so many times she just wanted to give up. She did not know then that she was giving up on herself. She knows that this journey is tiring. There are going to be hundreds of obstacles. She was searching for someone to hold her hand for support. She did not know that for one of her hand the other hand can be the support she is searching for.

When she lost him, there was a void that got created. It was like a big jigsaw puzzle that was missing a big piece in the center. She tried and tested every piece she came across. None of them fit. The piece is still missing. She does not know whether she would ever find the piece that would be good enough. She knows one thing for sure. She has to keep trying. She has grown enough to accept the void. However, she does not want to stop searching as of now. 

She has many riddles and puzzles to solve now. This is not the only puzzle. However, even today, when she lies on her bed after an honest day’s work, the puzzle with the missing piece is the one that tells her that she has to get up next day. Simultaneously solving other puzzles, she wants to check if she can find the missing piece someday.

She began with a loss. The loss is still there. She has an objective to achieve. She has found strength in herself. This definitely is not happily ever after. As I said, it is a cry—a struggling cry—toward life.

My God lives within and around me. Thus, I would always direct all my emotions to him. He’s always there.

The historian within

I remember writing once about memories. I believe it is more than once that the memories have filled me with all sorts of emotions in the world. Memories are very handy. They have their own house in your heart. I always felt that though memories sometimes soothe your mood, they can seriously disturb you at other times. Nonetheless, they make us what we are. They are the foundations that we live on.

Nowadays, there are so many different devices to capture the so many important moments. We have cameras, video recorders, and mobile devices. We capture so many moments. However, can we really capture the humanness that is attached to those moments? Can we really capture the sheer ease with which a flower blooms? 

There are wildlife photographers and enthusiasts who go out of their way to capture such fragile natural moments and movements, for example, animals yawning, flowers blooming, the movement of the trees, the turning of a caterpillar into a butterfly. The list is endless. I am still not sure whether these photos and videos can capture the delicate beauty of these moments. 

We take videos of human emotions as well. We capture numerous emotions crossing a person’s face as the individual experiences something heart touching. We try and keep record of everything from the childbirth to marriages to death. 

Now, with the mobile devices being easily available, we can start recording any time. However, can we keep track of everything? Can we really record what one goes through before saying yes to a marriage proposal? Can we ever capture the alone journey of a person going back to home after a wonderful and satisfactory completion of a project? We aim to write down, record, capture, compose, and in turn, express everything that we want to. However, so much remains to be captured. 

I always wondered what passes between two people when they touch, shake hands, pat, hug. Because with everyone, these things have different meaning and emotions attached to it. Even if we can capture someone patting the other, would we ever be able to understand what emotion was sent and received. A gaze of reassurance! Never can you capture the gaze of reassurance. It is one of the emotions which depends on the understanding of the two people—a person asking for relief and the other giving it. 

I never understood how we can grab a moment so intimate that when it will start and end cannot ever be predicted. We can capture crying eyes but we cannot tell the emotion that flows through them. This all is safe with the historian within because the mind is always recording everything that happens. Each thought, emotion, behavior, existence, and thing is noticed and noted. And when the mind decides to play a story in front of its eye everything is clear and well placed. The mind organizes deletes, saves, alters, and maintains all that is important to us and all that which someday may prove to be important. It even protects our dreams which definitely cannot be recorded. It knows when we had a knot in our throat which no one else noticed.

I salute to this great historian that is present within all of us. Howmuchever technology may develop, the historian would still exist and keep doing its work effortlessly and without failing.

Today, I want to just hold my historian tight and thank it for showing me movies of happy times when I was low and warning me about the negative during my euphoric fits. Love you and thanks for being there.