I last wrote on my personal blog, just after I got married. This has been my online diary of sorts.
It is not that nothing happened in my life for last two and half years. It is just that so many things happned that I could not think straight about anything.
So, I will pick up where I left. I told you that marriage, in my opinion, is just a linked change that serves the society more than the individuals.
Some of the things that happened in my life after that article have been listed below:
My grandmother-in-law started loving and cherishing me.
My grandmother-in-law went away on her journey towards God.
COVID-19 was declared a pandemic.
I visited my in-laws palce for a festival.
Lockdowns were declared across the globe.
I was forced to stay with my in-laws.
I lost myself.
I moved to a nearby town where my husband used to work.
I got a job there.
I had a miscarriage.
I started freelancing.
I started questioning my in-laws.
I spent money on housewarming.
I had a fallout with my in-laws.
I started treatment for my periods, miscarriage, and fertility.
I reluctantly visited my in-laws to save their face.
My job was hanging in the balance.
I started working for an American company.
We started planning a family again.
I applied to another company in India to support myself financially.
I had another miscarriage.
My husband broke his patella (knee-cap).
My in-laws proved to hardly any help with hospitalizaton and recovery.
I had a fallout with my father-in-law.
My husband suffered a heart-related event, primarily caused by a sudden drop in his BP.
My husband decided to leave me alone in the town and move to his parents' place.
I belive the above list is good enough to be an article.
But what happened is not the point at all.
I have known a lot of things. But when I am in all these situations, it gets more and more difficult to control my own emotions from getting carried away.
I experienced each and everything that I have listed above with all my sincerity and heart. I was all out. I gave my relationship and everything in it a very fair chance. It is today, when I sit alone and awake at 2 a.m. that I realise that in throughout this whole experience, I did not even let myself breathe. I did not stop to catch a break. I let myself be destroyed to the nothingness that engulfed me once. I died a little yesterday. I am hurt. I feel like nothing. I am not angry anymore. I do not feel betrayed like I did yesterday. All this is just something that was meant to happen. There is literally nobody to blame and nobody to punish. I tell you why in Anna Nalick's words:
'Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable
And life's like and hourglass glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button, girl
So, cradle your head in your hands
And breathe... just breathe
Oh, breathe... just breathe
With this song, I come back to my own favourite quote that I used to tell myself: You are breathing. That means you are fighting.
So, I am alone. But, I am not lonely.
Long before today, the universe had planned for this day. The loneliness inside of me had emerged out of me that day to become my friend. A friend that would never ever leave me.
So,
with a lot of water under the bridge,
in a half-dead state
I call upon thee for solidarity
the "thee" resides within
the "I" reisdes within
It has been an engaging game of 64 houses
Housing war and peace
You took the war with you
The half-dead remains call for "peace"
There stands Ashok (without sadness)
After giving reason for enough amount of shok (sadness)
He would be called the messenger of peace
His subjects: widows, elders, orphans, and handicaps
There is no phoenix to rise
No lark to call the dawn
All suns have set
And it is the Nightfall
So, till we die completely, we need to serve the purspose. For without purpose, we would already be dead or never be born in the first place.
So, we keep the faith.
The Last Question may finally be answered one day. And there might be light again.
