Dear society

Dear society,
Nobody chooses to be a freak. So, stop judging me. And do not say that you do not judge me because you do. All the time. That is the reason I find it difficult to be with you. I go through an emotional trauma every time I am in a social setting.
Nobody wants to show the scars to the world because we all have scars that we think are best when they are hidden. We do not talk about it and we certainly do not think that others understand them.
Nobody is born evil or good. We become what we choose. But being a freak is not a choice. It is a byproduct of the choices that we make to keep ourselves sane and hidden.
Living in this world is all about approval. Approval of someone or the other. That is difficult to achieve because you do not know what others might think as approval. At the end of the day, they are other people. Who am I to know someone else thoroughly. I do not believe that to be possible. It is a race which I fail at all the time. So, I do not understand what others want.
I have stopped guessing.
A part of my self knows that a part of it is carved by the society. I want social approval in general because, howsoever I may deny it, I am a part of the society. I may not like it, but I am. So, like mentioned before, I want the approval. But the problem is I do not want to be the person I am not.
That struggle has made me alienate myself from society. I am okay if people call me freak. Being okay does not mean I do not hurt or feel angry or sad. But I am ready for that. I am ready to be sad, angry, hurt, lonely, frustrated and everything else that is the part of this deal. I just do not want to be someone I am not anymore.
The other day, this made me think about happiness. Does this mean that I give up on happiness. In a way, yes. I give up on feeling happy because of someone else. I rather become honest and true to my emotions and be with those emotions. I let the happiness spread its root into the fact that I am honest. I am useful. I would rather be honest and useful than happy.
I will still be disconnected with the world.
So, I might still be lonely.
But, you know what, I am tired of making the move, taking the first step and opening my arms. I am not giving up on trying but I am very tired. So, I will wait for the world to make the move now.
All those people who ask me about what I am doing about my problems that remain unresolved, here's the answer. I hug my problems close and make them my friends.
To society, I have just one thing to say.
As a teacher, it is my job to make the first move, take the first step, start the process and invite the relationship. Well, I am not a teacher or a psychologist 24/7. Even then, I have done this. I have initiated. Now, it is your turn.
I am done.

The healing that has to happen is to happen inside and not outside.

The healing that has to happen is to happen inside and not outside.

It may not be easy. It may get tiring. But it has to happen. It will happen.

These are my recent conversations:

My NRI friend, "You won't understand this, but I really miss you."
I, "You do?"
Inside my head, my self talks, [He misses me. Can anyone really miss me? I miss them because I feel connected to them. I try and maintain the relationship. I don't think anyone can miss me.]

Psychologist in my head, {This does not mean I do not like me. I like myself. I describe myself as weird not because I find myself weird but I know society would. Same thing goes here. I like me. But I just find it hard to believe that others would like me or miss me. In a nutshell, I do not think that others would find me worthy enough.}

My poor Ego in my head, (Stop justifying myself. I at least in part think that I am something less than others. Oh! I know you are proud of being a psychologist and editor but you still think that you are not the best. I am the ego. I agree with you. You are not the best. That does not mean that you are less than others. You beat yourself up about the social norms and standards for beauty. You, dear psychologist, want to maintain who you are. You, my dear ID, want to be the most beautiful and sexy. You, my lord, superego, do not want to be considered vulgar or do not want to violate moral protocol. So, I, Ego, have long ago decided that we would not call ourselves pretty ever. We have an honest soul. That should be it. I am done considering your opinions and deciding how I would want to look at the social gatherings. I am going to side with the Psychologist because at least she does not fight with me and does not come charging at me. So, that's done.)

Psychologist again, {Thank god you finished. Thank you for the complement, but you digressed from the point. You talk a lot. I have reminded you number of times to be quiet. Everyone thinks you talk a lot. Stop this or you would be in trouble.}


My poor Ego again, (I cannot stop like that. I hate the vacuum when I do not speak. Because when I do not speak, all of you start speaking. Look at this exercise for example. The self talk is so small and you all have made it into a conference. If I talk, you all are quiet for that time at least. The self feels burdened, you know, with all your requests!)

Psychologist, {I understand, dear Ego. But you are responsible for the growth and development and I am going to be with you so that that goal is not forgotten.}

My self looking at everyone, [They are talking. I do not know what to do. I think I will just be. Ego will definitely come up with something. It always does.]

Ego, (I appreciate your inputs. I just have a hard bargain with these two!! Could you talk to them?)

Psychologist, {I am bound by my role as you are! That is your responsibility.}

Ego, (Alright, I get it! You two, we are ending this conversation. It should not have been thins long in the first place. Stop putting unnecessary pressure on me. Nobody sees you both. They do not know you hiss out things in my space all the time. Right now, stop! Okay!)

ID hissing, only Ego and Superego can hear, (-- Okay, but remember how pleasurable my suggestions are... those dreams... fantasies...--)

Superego hissing, only Ego and ID can hear, (** I will stop now. But the society is where we belong. Do not get carried away by that brat. You have to go out in the society. Do not forget that.**)

Ego, (Arrrrrrgh, I said STOP!!)

Psychologist, {Calm down dear Ego. The self is getting tired. She wanted to say something.}

Ego, mellow and calm, (I know. Self, please carry on. I am here to handle this. I am here for you.)

Self, [Thank you, Ego. I get tired of this. I don't know what to think. But I know, it would be okay. [To herself] Recently, that is the only thing I know. I know that I do not think highly of myself. But the universe, it distinguishes not. I am as his as someone else is. That is what I believe and I know. Tara is here for me. Thank you.]


One of my wise friend and then my father told me, "When people talk to you and tell you the same thing again and again, they are but talking to themselves."

Self, [So true!]
Ego, sarcastically grinning, (Evident from the above transcript, don't you think?)
Psychologist, smiling, (Can't deny that, dear!)

My wise friend continued, "It takes a lot of experience and patience to keep calm and not let ourselves burst out."
Self, Ego and Psychologist in unison with me, "Yes. Sometimes when we are bubbling up with anger, to tell yourself to calm down is the most difficult thing. We have to do it day in and day out to get used to. After all this, we still may have days on which we cannot control ourselves."
My wise friend, "Yes. That's a fact!"

My self in my head, [Healing? I don't know. Definitely sounds like confused clarity!!!]
Psychologist, Ego, Self, all are grinning. 

Grief

The most important thing that I learnt about grief was it is the best of the friend, philosopher and guide I had ever asked for. You never really send an invitation to this one or go for a consult but you definitely are disputing how much you are going to learn. Once you decide how much you are going to learn, you also have to decide how much time would you be taking to learn what it has offered to teach. Based on all this, grief decides how much pain to cause and in what doses. 

When I could not look at grief so positively, I decided to take refuse in the law of karma. The law of karma tells us simply that what goes around comes around. Grief came because I loved. I loved deeply enough to not accept the separation that came.

Today, I grieve for my younger self. With every realization that has knocked on my doorstep in last few days, I feel I have grown. That tells me that I have to let go of a lot of things that were the truth and fact of yesterday, but today they cease to exist.

Today, I learnt how selfish and self-centered a person can be. I am not able to let go of my own past. It is gone long back. The idea of that past is what I hold onto and am not letting go. But I believe it is the ideas and perceptions that we have created and worshiped for years that are difficult to give up.
It is not the death but the idea of death that scares us. Death is most natural. It comes and takes you away. What remains is the idea of you. Until the last person holding onto the idea of you, lets you go, you keep lingering around. That is the real bondage.

Death goes away but the bondage causes the grief. Death can be of anything. Death of an idea, death of an emotion, death of your younger self, death of a thought... death of the physical nature is also there.

With any kind of death comes grief. Grief arising from the action of holding onto the idea that exists no more.

We may call this grief fanaticism, conservative attitude, fundamentalism, and so on. Or we may call this frustration, depression, divorce, loneliness, break up, separation, and so on.

Names may be different. The pain is same or at least similar.

The only thing that we require is to accept the pain time and again. Keep accepting it till it comes. More importantly, accept the idea of pain.

Sometimes, we are so attached to the idea of pain that parting with pain gets difficult. Ironically, death of pain can also be painful for us. That is how human mind works. It is not the pleasure or pain but the idea and the bondage of the same that makes us feel.

So, I need to accept and not hold onto. Only then will I be able to live a life that is realistic. Else, I would live in a bondage of some or the other idea.

Thank you grief for being my friend, philosopher and guide.

Wait, I don't want to get too attached.
:)

The lonely

I reached out to technology today.

I asked technology to tell me how I felt. To play for me a song that would explain my feelings. I am not lonely because the loneliness is my company. The lonely stands by me.

Humans fail me time and again. I ended up on the empty side again. All that strength that was gathered was willingly given away by myself, distributed in the name of doing good.

Christina Perri sings and I let myself be accompanied by her.

I agree I am a ghost of a girl that I want to be most. The whole day, I am running around managing things, juggling between assignments, understanding emotions, being there for others. I drink my sorrow for breakfast and digest away my anger with it. This is the moment when I want to do that and that is when I am lost. I am not the strong girl but a vulnerable mass of emotions asking for solace in the hug of the lonely.
All remains is the shell of a girl that I used to know so well.

The question is, "Can the lonely take place of you?"

This question is to my grandfather, who is far from me thanks to death.
It is for my companion, who is far from me because time thinks it is still not the rihgt time.
It is for my friends, who are far from me because of culture that dectates the living conditions.
It is question to the universe, who is so close yet far because it can only guide me but cannot take action.
It is question to myself, can this void take place of the strong girl that stays within me and helps me.

Broken pieces of
A barely breathing story
Where there once was love
Now there's only me
And the lonely!!!

Today...

Today, the tears of togetherness flow from my eyes.
I cannot stop them.
I finally feel comfortable in what I am.
This has been the most difficult journey that I embarked upon as a child.
Today, the universe with its every action is moving closer to me with open arms.
I finally have found the one place where I can rest.
I have found the arms that hug me tell me that I am always welcome to run into their embrace.
The breath that fills my body tells me that I am alive.
The wind that attempts to calm the flowing tears is my best friend.
The warmth of the elements cocoons me.
The fire burns all my doubts, suspicions and worries.
The water cleans each wound healing it forever.
Toady, the tears sing a symphony of love.
The heart is full of gratitude.
The brain is full of awe.
The heart and the brain decide to live together.
These two buddies, cuddling together, a sight to behold.
A sight so reassuring. 

Social traditions, patriarchy and comfort zone

I have met several guys in my parents attempts to get me married and settled. All of them had one common expectation. They did not want to separate from their parents. To all the guys I said, “Yes. I understand and I would not expect you to do so” (or something similar verbally or non-verbally). I am true to my word. I would not expect any guy to live in a separate house, leaving his parents, just for me. However, when answering this question, I always have had things to say that I never said out loud. (To understand more why I didn’t say them out loud, read my article ‘Honesty is not always the best policy’.)

Now, let’s get straight to the premise of this writing exercise. What do I wonder about when guys tell me that they want to live with their parents. Here it goes.

I respect family as an institution. As psychologists, we learn that family is the first social institution that we encounter and it is also our first learning space. I am happy about the fact that men love their parents and are clear in their thoughts about taking care of them. I respect that. On the other hand, I know that I am a woman. I know that tradition dictates that women leave their parental house and live with the man’s family. However, this does not mean that I love my parents less. This doesn’t mean that I would not want to take care of them. A person may have hundred complains about one’s parents; nonetheless, they are the source of one’s existence. Hence, parents always remain a priority, no matter where the child goes (exceptions exist for this and I would not be analyzing and considering them in this article as they would not have this problem in the first place). Parents are a child’s comfort zone.

So, it is my sincere request to all the men out there who are considering marriage, think whether you would be able to give what you are asking. Did that become difficult to understand? Here, I am putting it in simpler words.

We live in patriarchy. So, currently, women leave their comfort zone. And leaving one’s comfort zone is never easy, be it for a woman or a man.

However, imagine a world where a man leaves his parents’ house and settles in with his wife in her house. You would be celebrating your birthday, your anniversary, your promotion, and so on with your in-laws and all you get with your parents is merely a phone call or a short visit. On the other hand, your wife who stays with her parents, your in-laws, gets to do everything in her comfort zone. Imagine that there may be some tricky situations in which both sets of parents need assistance. This is 100% situational. Neither the wife nor the husband can be held responsible. You have to put your in-laws needs before the needs of your parents. This is tradition. You have to follow it.

So, men, when you tell women that you won’t leave your parents after marriage, understand that what you are asking women to do is to leave their comfort zone and make your comfort zone into ‘a shared comfort zone’. Think for a minute. You cannot even imagine to leave your comfort zone, yet you are expecting the other person to do it.

I am not saying that men should separate from their parents. Please don’t get me wrong. If I don’t want my parents to be alone, I would not want anyone parents to be left alone.

But, men, you need to think about what you would do for the woman’s parents, if she is going to leave her house and take care of your parents.

And this holds true for some women as well. These women fail to understand that men are raised to expect women to leave their comfort zone. When women ask them to leave their parents, for men, it sounds something very close to criminal and unfathomable. Again, the same argument goes here. If you are not leaving your comfort zone, expecting it from the other person is simply unfair. Like men need to think for the women’s parents, so do women.

Let’s look at the corporate world. When you are a business partner, you share responsibilities. So, you make sacrifices for the company together. You bear losses and celebrate profits together. If only one of the business partners is taking responsibility and making sacrifices, that partner would know the company more and eventually the other partner would merely become a namesake.

Look at the person you are marrying as your partner. If you don’t shoulder half of the responsibilities, you are going to be like an alien to your partner. You would become a namesake in the long run. Believe me, this would also rob you off your happiness.

I know and understand that this isn’t easy.

I am going to quote lines from the scientist by Coldplay: Nobody said it was easy, no one ever said it would be this hard, oh take me back to the start.

The key here is to be willing to start over and not give up because someone once told me that relationships are always work in progress!

Honesty is not always the best policy

I am an honest person. To put it more factually, I don’t mind being brutally honest. Frankly, I love to be very straightforward. However, experience, a book and a sitcom have changed my mind on this issue.

My experience has showed me time and again that honesty ends up hurting people and accepting facts is not what people are ready for. This, in turn, makes them blame you for anything and everything under the sun. They hardly (read never) have the guts to say so on your face but use your honesty as a weapon to hurt your loved ones. Then, though you may not regret your honesty despite this, you eventually become really lonely as you become surer than ever that people don’t understand you.

I love the book ‘The road less traveled’ by Scott M Peck. In it, there is a big chunk on withholding the truth. I admire that chunk and identify with it. Hence, every time, I am going to blurt out my version of reality, insight, epiphany, I bite my tongue and remind myself to withhold.

I am a fan of Sheldon Cooper from the sitcom The Big Bang Theory. In it, it is shown that he cannot keep a secret and is quite straightforward. He doesn’t understand sarcasm either. I am more or less the same. Oh Oh. I was. I learnt to keep secrets as a psychologist (doctor-patient confidentiality). As I mentioned earlier, I stopped being completely straightforward and learnt to withhold the truth. I do understand sarcasm every now and then, nowadays. I could do this thanks to this sitcom. In one of the episodes, Sheldon’s mother tells him how important it is to not point out certain things, even thought they were factual. Sheldon has ended up losing his job due to such rude honesty. Being really good at what he does, he gets his position back.

However, I understood something from this. People do not want to hear honest answers even when they start their questions with ‘tell me honestly’. They want it to be sugar-coated at the least. When you wrap reality in attractive masks, there is high chance that people will look at the masks and be happy with them. So, reality is lost. Without the flimsy coating reality is like painful yoga poses and bitter potions for immunity building. So, all in all, fans of reality remain at an all-time-low.

Despite adjusting my vocal and overt life to the social norms, customs and traditions as far as I can, my reality keeps itching my head. Hence, my honest outlet becomes these blog posts.

So, thank you for reading the three reasons that hold me back from being honest.

Understanding is rarer than common sense

There is this thing that I have heard and read many times.

When a small child falls down, it gets up and if no one is watching, then it goes on about its business, i.e. playing and other stuff. However, if he notices someone watching, then it cries. After all, attention is something that children learn.

This is accentuated in a woman’s upbringing. Women are brought up to be damsel in distress! All the fairly-tales yell at a girl to be pretty, well-groomed, yearning for a gentleman, ready to be swept off her feet and surrender to love. Learning the household chores is also made a step towards earning the heart of a prince charming.

In the time of a disaster, don’t they say that first women and children need to be saved. Long ago, it had some other meaning. Saving women and children was important due to the investment syndrome, for saving the future of the race, a greater survival instinct. With time, the reason boiled down to weakness.

I am not saying all women are strong and powerful and can do anything and everything. Women may need help at times as anyone would. Let’s take a simple example. We all try and reach for our desired object that is kept at a higher level. If that is out of our reach, we use a table, a ladder, a chair or anything that may help us reach it. Simple! This is true for men and women. We all need help sometimes. Yet, in many dramas this simple situation would be used to portray the woman as a mere damsel in distress.

When I come across such instances, I think that I was never brought up to be a damsel in distress. I did not like even my own dad thinking that I call him when I am in trouble. Whenever I fell down, I tried to get up as fast as I could without waiting for anyone to come forward and help me. I didn’t like to be pitied. I didn’t want to be helped when I didn’t need any.

I wanted to be understood though.

Sometimes, or rather many times, it has happened that I was nicely busy in not showing my pain and was so successful that people attempted to check whether I was really hurt. This is true for emotional as well as physical pain. People would end up poking my wound too deep because I tried to compose my pain.

This experience taught me one major thing. It is not only that women are taught to be the damsels in distress but that men and society at large is taught to expect that women would showcase their weakness and helplessness in the face of calamity.

I believe there is no greater pain than the pain of being misunderstood or not being understood at all by our near and dear ones. This holds true for all beings (humans, animals, plants, inanimate objects and so on) alike.

Here, I have but discussed one of the social schema that makes us behave the way we do without even realizing it. But there are many more such things that lead us to not understand or misunderstand. I sometimes feel that understanding is rarer than common sense.

Let’s see!!! 

Once upon a dropping of 377

Part I: It’s an internal fight

Long back when she was fighting her prejudices, a 15-year-old student of psychology, was aversive to those who killed the animals and ate them. The strong sense of what is right and what is wrong that was instilled in her by her strictly vegetarian family and community made her pass a moral judgement on all those who chose to eat meat. She, being a woman, championed her cause of how women were ill-treated but continued behaving differently with those who ate meat. Then, while learning prejudices and understanding them through some literature, she came across an anecdote and that became something that changed her perspective towards life.

One day a person was hanging from a precipice, almost about to fall. There was no hope for life; death was waiting. When all hope had vanished, a hand came in the view. The person thought it to be an illusion. But it wasn’t. The person held on to that hand and climbed up. Neither could see the other till they came face to face. A life was saved.

The person hanging was a staunch patriarch with a notion that women are lowly creatures and should be treated as animals. The person who saved this man was a feminist who constantly embarrassed the man.

The girl asked herself every time she thought there was some pre-judgement, “Will I not accept this person’s hand if I was hanging from the precipice? Will I not extend my hand for help if this person was hanging from the precipice?”

Life became easy. Living beings just remained living being. They stopped being a category.

The 5 elements that make the body of a living being and death that ceases its existence never seem to treat it differently. It is “we-the society” that emphasize the differences and decide and create the need to label.

The judgement given by the supreme court to drop 377 serves as a hope in the face of despair that surrounds. Today, I do not write to comment on what this means to a particular category because I believe that we all are simple living beings trying to live our life as we deem fit.

Part II: Coincidence?

I have a conversation with my friend. We are kind of updating ourselves on what are the things that are happening in the country. We have always done that. I mention about the amendments to the atrocities act and we realise that article 377 was to be discussed by the supreme court and it’s pending. We talk about everything under the sun.

Next morning, we are both surprised to learn that finally it was dropped.

This morning is not only iconic for us but for others who believed and discussed this issue. I am going to learn about this in about 36 hours.

The day after the verdict, I was on an assignment with Japanese artists as an interpreter. They were scheduled to give a talk in yet another art gallery. There, one of the artists had showcased his angst by making a death room. It was symbolizing the murder of emotions by the so-called morality. The outlet to that was a corner of love where everyone wanted to fight for the dropping of the article 377. Surprisingly enough, on the day that his art was exhibited, the verdict came out. All of us including the artists were in awe of the strength of art and emotions.

During the day, I had read about psions (a person with psionic ability releasing vibrations in the universe; they may act for protecting or pleading). I thought that everyone must have released so many psions that kept wishing for some positive actions and finally the collective energy led to healing.

If you ask around, there would be people who would tell you that there is no such thing as coincidence. On the other hand, there would be people who would tell you stories after stories of confidence. At the end of the day, it is what you believe. And believe you must. For, when you believe, the universe starts conspiring in your favour.

छत्रीस

छत्रीस

जुनी छत्री
भेटले तिला आज अनेक दिवसांनी
अगदी घट्ट.
तिने जणू ठरवलंय
ती माझा happily ever after आहे.
तिच्या प्रत्येक वाकलेल्या तारेला
माझ्या मनासारखं वळण आहे.
ताणून बसवलेलं कापड
आता जुनं झालंय
चिवट आणि जबाबदार.
प्रत्येक ताडीच्या टोकाने
कधी ना कधी बंधन झुगारलंय.
आता प्रत्येक टोकाला
निरनिराळ्या रंगांच्या दोऱ्यांचे वळसे
वेगवेगळाल्या कोणी शिवलेले.
मध्यभागातली टोपी
मुकुटच जणू
कधीच उडून गेलेला
वा
उतरवून ठेवलेला.
पण कणा तसाच शाबूत
सारं पेलायची, बांधून ठेवायची कसरत.
office च्या घाईगडबडीत
भलताच tie बांधून जावा
तसा विजोड बसवलेला बंद
पण तरीही निऱ्या बद्ध करणारा.
खरंतर हे म्हणजे...
ship of theseus नाही का?
ठाऊक नाही.
पण ती हरवत नाही.
मी काळजी घेते म्हणून नाही.
असं वाटतं
तिने ठरवलंय
ती माझी असो वा नसो.
ती छत्री असो वा नसो.
मी तिची आहे
आणि ती माझा happily ever after आहे.
<3
 

A big shout out to the universe!!

A big shout out to the universe!!

Hey there! I know what you did with me.

In the evening, I go out to sit under a tree because I am nostalgic and I am writing. Writing is something that has kept me alive. I do not just breathe in and out but I live, thanks to writing.

So, I am writing about the little things that fill me with happiness and help cherish the moments life brings me. It's my favourite book, favourite tree, favourite place in the building and to top it all, I have managed to make good coffee.

I make coffee or tea all the time. These are the two things that I make the worst. I sometimes make tea so bad that I regret not drinking hot water instead! Anyway, today, I had surprised myself with coffee, a good tasting coffee.

Listening to songs, birds, air... I was on top of the world...

Till...

Till... a dog, a stray dog I know, came and started smelling my coffee. Which dog likes coffee. He wanted to drink it from my cup. I gave him little and that was not enough. I told him to wait. He understood. I have managed to lay ground of communication with all my neighbours, human beings, animals and trees alike. Thank universe for that!

So, I gave him half of my coffee while sulking. He finished and seemed to want something more. I gave him a slice of bread and ensured that he finished it and chewed it properly.
I really wanted to have the coffee but ended up sharing it. I was sulking not irritated as much but not happy either.

Then, I thought if I would have drank the coffee in peace and enjoyed my evening, I would not have a memory I have now.

Surprises make memories. If life was all according to my plans, I would stop enjoying it.

I was writing about openness and being ready... Universe is smart. It threw me a situation and made me live my words and make a memory.

I am still the same confused soul wondering about the three crucial questions: who am I? Where have I come from? Where am I going?

I do not know a lot of this.

But I am glad and smiling because the universe knows...
<3

Remember to keep that promise you made

Remember to keep that promise you made

Cause that promise might be everything

Just some hollow words for you

For someone else, an elaborate meal

The exact difference between empty and full

The gap between 22/7 and 3.14…

Being busy has become our life

Prioritizing based on urgency

Expectations are road to disillusionment

Practice makes man perfect

Somehow

Practicing to not expect doesn’t lead to perfection

Life’s never fair

It never promised to be so

Let this lesson not be learnt

Through a broken promise

Oh! remember the promise you made to yourself

The promise you made to the tree

The promises that brought you the wind and the fire

The promises that bring a smile to your eyes

And make tears linger on your lips

Yeah! Remember that the universe always keeps the promise!!

Somewhere between...

Somewhere between the certainly and uncertainty your life hangs with a thread of your relationship with the universe.

On your face they would tell that they believe you, but when it comes to doing something they would ask you to prove yourself time and again. You would hear the tone of doubt always.

You keep asking yourself where does it end? Will it end?

Does it end ever?

Somewhere between having confidence and losing it, you start feeling guilty about the things that you did and about the things that you didn’t do.

With every step you take, you second guess yourself, never believing yourself and never having any confidence.

It is not that you are not good enough but somehow you don’t ever feel so.

Somewhere between telling yourself that you are what you are and them telling you that you are good for nothing, you lose your self-worth.

You tell yourself that you know you tend to forget things even when you write and put reminders on the phone. Is it good enough to get ridiculed because of that? They find it justified.

Then, you are angry at yourself for forgetting things and for letting the things others have said affect you.

Then, you decide that you would rather talk to your dear laptop than talk to people. People don’t understand you and they don’t know where you come from.

Somewhere between this, you become weird for people, a person they can laugh at and make fun of.

You try to wear the label on your chest and walk with pride. You succeed.

They would praise you for what you do as if they don’t even mean it. Then, they would tell you where you went wrong and that would always be crude.

Your genuine reasons would always be called excuses because apparently people decide what is genuine for you.

Whoever you are and whatever profession you work in, your emotionality would always be considered your shortcoming even though that is the only thing that has worked best…

Somewhere between doing different works you would realise that professionalism is simply a cute name given to turning everything human into everything machine.

Somewhere between typing this out, you would realise that when all human has left you crying, hurt and wanting, it is a machine that has helped you. It is something that doesn’t have human in it but is able to help you be human.

Somewhere between lost and found, you would tell yourself that you are neither lost nor is anyone trying to find you. You are in limbo perpetually.

Somewhere between holding onto the hope, you have been holding onto despair…

Somewhere

Somewhere

Somewhere

Lost but found again

Today, I was afraid of human beings and was saved by them.

This is today’s story.

For whatever reasons, there was a shutdown called by a certain group of people all over my state.

I had work. When I went to the office in the morning, everything seemed fine. I was relieved that at least people knew how to behave.

As the day started progressing, we heard about things happening around the state, thanks to today’s internet and mobile services. In my heart, I started realizing that my happiness in the morning was short-lived. Like they say, the cat was out of the bag and that too with a vicious grin.

The uneasiness started building in my stomach. My first selfish thought was how would I get home. My next selfish thought was how would my colleagues get home. My last thought was can anything be worth causing such unrest.

With this thoughts in my head, I went through the whole day. I contacted family and friends to understand the situation outside.

It was not until I stepped outside that I realized what the real situation was. There was quite a lot of public property damage. There was palpable tension in the area thought the shutdown had apparently taken back.

I, with one of my colleague, was trying to find a way to go home. I generally don’t mind being alone but today, I was more than glad that she was with me. I was scared. I realized that I wasn’t scared for myself as such. It was more of a general fear or maybe the fear of unknown, the unknown that lurks in the depths of human minds. Even when we got an auto and the auto driver was quite kind, I wasn’t myself. I felt hurt by the in-humanness in general. I was at loss of everything.

I didn’t want humanity to fail. I didn’t want to see the ugly mask of the human psyche. It was as if the murky waters had been meddled with and all the darkness was revealing itself shamelessly.

Then, I saw something…

Someone giving water to people. That simple act helped me come back from my own denial and pessimism.

After all, all was not lost.

Today, I found a new self of mine. A scared and timid self that I may not so proudly accept but its there in the layers of mind.

So early the new year presented my own belief to me:

This too shall pass.

Really, this too shall pass.