WAF = Unforgettable Gaze

WAF = Unforgettable Gaze 

Today I was folding my clothes. My grandfather used to say when you fold the clothes immediately after they are dry, they would be pressed well and he also taught me how to neatly fold the clothes. It is so easy yet we do not give much attention and end up paying more money for ironing our clothes. While folding my clothes I was listening to a song which said, “Laakh duniya kahe…, tum yahi hon…”. It just said what my heart was telling me since Sunday, 16^th February, 2014.

I want to tell you the whole story here onwards. 

I went to the Wall Art Festival 2014 as a volunteer. Indian and Japanese Artists were participating in it. There were a lot of volunteers from both the countries. I went there with two of my close friends. We were there from 14^th February evening to 17^th February evening. It was great being there. The festival was held in a school and walls of 5 classrooms were painted by world renowned artists. There were Artists talks and a professional Natural Light Dancer would dance in their rooms explaining through her dance what the paintings meant. The Artist speaking and she dancing was the highlight of the festival. 

 

It was second day of the festival. One of the rooms was painted by traditional Warli Artist. It was the time when the dancer would perform in that room. All of us were gathered there. She asked us to meditate initially. I meditate very deeply. I could not follow her instructions as I had my own set of instructions. But, I did become very aware and sensitive because of the meditation. I was calm when I opened my eyes. Then the dancer started dancing. It was very much spiritual and spontaneous. 

I was seated beside my friend. Everyone was silent. Though there were things going on outside the room, I could not notice them. I was taking in as much as I can from the dance. The dancer came near where I and my friend were seated. Her eyes stopped on my friend. My friend did not look into her eyes initially. But I could see the dancer very clearly. I was able to even detect her gaze and emotions. I could recognize that gaze. The eyes were not new to me. They were my grandfather’s eyes. The eyes showed pure compassion and acceptance. In that moment itself I wanted to hold the dancer tightly and cry. But, I did not. My brain stopped me from doing that. But it could not control my tears. They started flowing. The tears were for meeting my grandfather after quite long time. 

I could still see what she was doing. My friend was now looking up at the dancer. The dancer then slowly moved her hands around my friend’s sitting figure as if she was telling my friend, “Everything is ok. Things will be all right.” I could learn so much from that gesture. I myself wanted to tell my friend all this and wanted to accept her unconditionally conveying that I would be there always.

I could not control the sobbing anymore. I wanted to leave the room immediately. There was so much going on in my heart that neither could I take anything in nor could I leave. Then, after some time, with my head down wiping my tears, I ran out of the room. I drank my tears literally. I went back to work. 

Every day at the festival, there was the event of Kite Flying in the evening. We went to the farm for Kite Flying. All I could think about was the eyes of my grandfather. After the dance whenever anyone asked me about crying during the dance I would say, “The emotions expressed were quite strong. I felt them and hence could not control my tears.” I thought no one had to know the full truth. I could not enjoy the Kite Flying. I went and sat near a tree. After quite some time, I could connect with the tree and told the tree what I was feeling. I wanted to be left alone with that tree. I wanted to let my guard down. It was not possible then. My friends thought my behavior was quite strange. Though anyone else did not say anything, I think they were also worried. 

How could I ignore the gaze of my beloved grandfather? No one there knew me. How could I have explained what my grandfather meant to me?

I lost my grandfather almost three years ago. I am sure that I am not in denial. I accepted his death. I know that his body is gone forever. But, I still feel connected to him. He raised me and made me what I am today. I am more close to him than I am to my parents. I feel that he is there around me and helps me out. 

I read about the concept of guardian angel sometime back and I feel he is my guardian angel. He is there looking at me. I can feel it. 

I did want to tell all those who asked me about the real reason behind my tears. I did not have the courage to go to anyone of them and tell all this. I even planned to write an e-mail to coordinator stating all this. It is difficult to communicate about one’s feelings. It was difficult for me. I could not tell my friends. 

I strongly believe my grandfather is there with me while I am writing this. I believe he came in the festival to teach me that it is all right to show your emotions without any fear. I do not know how much I could follow it. I am sure that I would not ever forget the gaze of the dancer (for me the gaze of my grandfather).

Today the song reminded me once again that even though I do not have the courage, my grandfather would want me to have the courage and deal with my fear. 

Thousand times the world may say

You are not there.

You are here…

You are here...

Letters...........

Letters……..

A letter I wrote to my former friend on 25^th January 2014 and gave it to her the next day. I wrote similar letters to three other friends previously. Two of them are much closer to me now. So, I just hope we become good friends again.

Dear Friend,

I own you two apologies - first one for my behavior with you in the past and second one for today. I am sorry because I had decided to get you a card and chocolates as a token of my first apology. But, never the less I am writing this letter to express my most sincere feelings. I have been told many times that I write better than I speak. So, here I am. 

There are not many ‘Sorry’s and ‘Thank You’s that a person plans before delivering. Planning requires deliberate effort. Very few people take saying ‘Sorry’ and ‘Thank You’ seriously. It was last year that I became one of them.

I would also like to quote what my friend once said in the class. He said that we are born into particular culture by accident and hence, all the relatives including our parents become a part of our life accidently. I would like to add here that though such important part of our being is decided by fate, we choose our friends. And hence, I choose you.

I know that I have not been very nice to you. This letter is not a science paper where I would write reasons  and justifications. So, I decide to apologize. I am sorry and I mean it. Let the past be past. Being the ‘here and now’ people let’s start our friendship all over again. 

I hope not to hurt you ever again in any form.

Expecting a reply,

Sincerely,

Amruta

P.S. : Happy Republic Day

Every word of the letter was written after giving it a thought. Before writing the letter I was only wishing that everything becomes normal between us. When I read this letter now, I feel blessed to be even able to write such a letter. 

Thank You the Ultimate Truth or whatever you are over there. I thank you for making me what I am today.

Until.......

Until......

I take a deep breath. I still cannot smile. The fact that I am doing well academically does not make me feel good about my life. I decided that I would not write something that is disturbing me ever on my blog. But, I think instead of not having any feelings, it is better to have some negative feelings. 

It is during these negative times that I think very much in existential manner. Who am I? Why am I here? Was there even a reason behind my birth? Does God exist? Does he see me? Does he feel it sad when I feel sad and lonely? So many questions keep on attending the loneliness seminar going on in my mind that I cannot even count them. I just let them come as the entry is free and the questions do not give a damn even when the guards tell them not to enter. The biggest issue is that they return unanswered with faces that show clear dissatisfaction. They attend the workshops of unhappiness, frustration, too. They do not get tired even though I end the workshop sometimes, to be calm and at peace. 

The strong urge of telling something deep to someone close rises at such times. I try to contact someone or the other to just tell whatever I am feeling. What happens then? Everyone is busy or just not there. I just let the feelings be there. They accompany me for quite some time. Then, I do something and literally escape into work. This means that I did not get a chance to share whatever I felt for however brief time. Sometimes, people do answer my calls and they do ask why I am sounding low. I talk to them about everything but what is bothering me. Then, these feelings accumulate. Though I do not nurture them I am most of the times unable to remove them completely. 

This usually happens when I have a great news to share and there is no one to cheer ‘Hurray!’ with me. Either everyone is busy or not in the mood to celebrate. I am happy about the small achievements in my life. But, when there is no one to share those small moments, I feel incredibly lonely and all my enthusiasm and happiness starts eating me inside. It turns into equal amount of loneliness. I sit with myself becoming my own counselor, mother, friend, and even GOD sometimes. I hug myself. I cry and I console myself. It goes on like two people in one person. One of them is sad and the other offers anything and everything he has. 

Then, the nurturing self decides that it is enough. There are people with more problems. It is fine that one was sad but one has so many things to do and they are waiting to be done. So, I drag myself to work on something and everything is normal.

Until one more small happiness that turns into sadness………..