Somewhere between the certainly and uncertainty your life
hangs with a thread of your relationship with the universe.
On your face they would tell that they believe you, but when
it comes to doing something they would ask you to prove yourself time and
again. You would hear the tone of doubt always.
You keep asking yourself where does it end? Will it end?
Does it end ever?
Somewhere between having confidence and losing it, you start
feeling guilty about the things that you did and about the things that you didn’t
do.
With every step you take, you second guess yourself, never
believing yourself and never having any confidence.
It is not that you are not good enough but somehow you don’t
ever feel so.
Somewhere between telling yourself that you are what you are
and them telling you that you are good for nothing, you lose your self-worth.
You tell yourself that you know you tend to forget things
even when you write and put reminders on the phone. Is it good enough to get ridiculed
because of that? They find it justified.
Then, you are angry at yourself for forgetting things and
for letting the things others have said affect you.
Then, you decide that you would rather talk to your dear
laptop than talk to people. People don’t understand you and they don’t know
where you come from.
Somewhere between this, you become weird for people, a
person they can laugh at and make fun of.
You try to wear the label on your chest and walk with pride.
You succeed.
They would praise you for what you do as if they don’t even
mean it. Then, they would tell you where you went wrong and that would always
be crude.
Your genuine reasons would always be called excuses because
apparently people decide what is genuine for you.
Whoever you are and whatever profession you work in, your
emotionality would always be considered your shortcoming even though that is
the only thing that has worked best…
Somewhere between doing different works you would realise
that professionalism is simply a cute name given to turning everything human
into everything machine.
Somewhere between typing this out, you would realise that
when all human has left you crying, hurt and wanting, it is a machine that has
helped you. It is something that doesn’t have human in it but is able to help
you be human.
Somewhere between lost and found, you would tell yourself
that you are neither lost nor is anyone trying to find you. You are in limbo
perpetually.
Somewhere between holding onto the hope, you have been
holding onto despair…
Somewhere
Somewhere
Somewhere
