Fear of unknown and development of bonds

Fear of unknown and development of bonds

Dedicated to the two girls who became my buddies in really no time:

This is all based on my personal experiences and my learning, not research. 

We all face fear of unknown all the time. Like the title song of a famous medical series called “Grey’s Anatomy” says: “Nobody knows where we might end up…” I think this is our most dreaded fear.

According to a Wikipedia entry “Many people are scared of the ‘unknown.’ The unknown can branch out to many areas such as the hereafter, the next ten years, or even tomorrow. Many people are too scared to take the path they want to, because of what may lay ahead. Fear of the unknown is one of the reasons that people do not make an effort to enhance their scholarly education.”

We all want the comfort of the known situation. We are afraid to take that one more step, even if it means progress and a variety of rewards. We never think that the situation we find comfortable now, was unknown to us previously. But, the fear of unknown is evolutionary. We do not tend to be rational about it. The fear of unknown aided the survival of men and women living in hunter-gatherer societies. We still carry that fear as a part of our survival instinct. Sometimes, we convince ourselves that the new situation is going to so terrible that it would be better if we maintain the current one.

I myself feel stressed while adjusting to a new situation. Bouts of loneliness come and go. All I want is talk to my close people and be with them. Eventually, all goes well. But, I hardly made friends in this manner. Those who became friends always thought I am quirky and eccentric. However, there was one of my friends who confronted me, almost two years ago.

Although she is my best friend now, she wasn’t then. She just told me straight on my face that I am not letting people in my life. She told me that I have built a wall around me, which is so strong, that people cannot see what I am actually. She told me that one has to make efforts to develop and maintain friendships. I need not say that she has the capability of telling me anything and yet remaining my best friend. There, I learnt that new situations are to be feared to only a certain level. One has to develop ways to deal with fear and make the situation comfortable. I understood a new meaning of friendship.

Few months ago, I started working. I was nervous again. However, I pulled through quite well. The other day, she told me again to believe in myself and the goodness I offer. I am proud to say that I have developed some beautiful bonds at my new workplace. I knew that friends will make me comfortable; hence, I invested in people around me. I still am quirky and weird, but, that does not stop me from making friendships and nurturing them. 

Involving in people may not always give positive outcomes. Sometimes it may lead to disillusionment as well. The other times, you may develop expectations; your friends might take you for granted; you may feel hurt; you will get angry, quarrel; and yet you would want them to be a part of your life. This is true about most of our relationships. This all helps us develop and we are comfortable again. 

Earlier, I would have never thought that having heated arguments, disagreements, quarrels, fights, and differences of opinions is a sign of comfort. Now, I feel that only when we are comfortable in any relationship we dare do all the above mentioned things. 

This brings me back to my new friends who have become a part of my life. The fear of unknown is still there as I do not know what might happen the next moment. However, I certainly know that I do not want to know what is going to happen. With these many healthy relationships and comfort, I know, I will be able to face whatever lies ahead. I have learnt to do that now.

The Confusing Emotion of Love

The Confusing Emotion of Love

The world we live in is really a wonderful place.

There are a lot of things people wonder about all the time…

What am I doing?

Why am I doing what I am doing?

How did I end up here exactly?

Who am I?

Is this a dream?

Is the world progressing or … ? (with a cynical grin)

Why all the negative things are happening? (In general as well as in particular)

What is going to happen?

Will the future bear positivity? 

Will the ending be really happy?

After all this, I still wonder whether I am overthinking.

The questions that have bothered me the most in my mind wandering endeavors are about love.

Seriously, what is love? (No jokes, no sarcastic comment, a sincere question)

And yes, this is totally about attraction, infatuation, chemistry, ringing of a bell, so called romantic love I am talking, generally starting after puberty. Love expressed in all the other forms equally troubles me, but I can handle it. 

I have seen relationships. A lot of them. I always told myself, if this is what love is, I am better off without it. I read about love and watched this kind of love portrayed in many movies. Almost all the Bollywood movies have at least a tiny love story in their plot. Same is the case with books. Autobiographies, biographies, novels also are full with loads of descriptions regarding love. I took Psychology as my subject, so, I read about love there as well. However, the concept of love runs away from me. I never understand it. 

People say love cannot be explained, it is to be understood. Then, why people explain it? Are all these great artists’ morons? 

I understand the concept of companionship. I think that can be one of the aspects of love. But, can companionship alone be called as love?

Our psychology book said intimacy, passion, and commitment all three are necessary for successful relationships. Is the combination of three, love?

What happens when people say those three so called magical words? Does the world change?

Can life be fully lived without experiencing this feeling ever?

Like all the other differences among individuals, is the feeling of love different for each individual or is it the same? If it is same then, it could be defined easily? But, it is not apparently that easy. So many people talk about love, but no one person’s experience is exactly same as the other. So, there is no consensus. Here, love becomes subjective.

What function does it serve in our lives?

Do you miss love and feel the void when you do not feel it?

Love is said to be universal, but can love in its essence be accepting towards all the people with all of their characteristics. 

Can love be negative? 

People say that it is easy to love someone than hate that person. Love comes naturally.

If the feeling of love is natural, then how do we start hating someone, sometimes, even without a reason?

The more books I read, the more movies I see, the more I talk to people, and the more I observe relationships, the more ambiguous becomes the concept of love.

I know people would say why I am thinking about love. I should experience it. 

The most fundamental problem of understanding love lies here. A person cannot love somebody with a proper planning and implementation program. People say they fall in love. No one jumps in love as an adventure sport. One thing I have heard most about love is, it arises in a moment without giving you any notice. They say it just happens. In that moment people are probably not bothered to think about the driving forces that generate the feeling of romantic love in them. 

Surprisingly, the consequences of love are discussed vastly everywhere. However, hardly anyone speaks about the antecedents of love. What precedes the moment of realization is not known.

So, are all those things said, written, and experienced about love just speculations?

I still do not know how exactly I am supposed to understand this concept without experiencing it. I am not a pessimist to say that I would not ever fall in love. I would not be cynical and say that there are hardly any chances of me falling in love. I am a rational personal. The probability of me falling in love, with all the other things kept constant, is 50%. So, I just leave everything on this probability?

I still would say that the concept of love is unfair those who do not experience it. Because they do not have any way of learning what love is.

Seriously, what is love???

Two Experiences

Two Experiences 

I sometimes worry about my responsibility towards society. I get all confused about how to contribute. I have found that extending an empathetic conversation helps people. Though I think that, through empathy I would be able to help people by providing them a listening ear; it becomes a learning experience for me. 

Today I would like to share two of my experiences with total strangers.

I was out for some personal work and it got over quite in time. It was around 3 p.m. and I climbed the local train and got a seat as it was fairly empty. Hardly anyone was standing. It was a ladies compartment. Surprisingly, it was calm. There was a middle-aged lady sitting diagonally opposite to me, her head bowed down. I suspected she was sobbing and was trying to control it. I felt an eager urge to talk to her, but it did not seem appropriate to ask a stranger such personal things. I did not want to be seen as impolite and disrespectful of personal space, even by a stranger. I thought she would compose herself. I tried to think about something I would do after reaching home. My efforts to divert my thoughts were in vain. I strongly felt that I should help her in some way, without hurting her personal space. My station was going to come soon. I had hardly 3-4 minutes to decide and act. I was confused. Thousands of thoughts kept passing my mind. I noticed that she was still unable to achieve composure. She was trying really hard to control her tears and sobbing sounds. The other ladies were either ignoring it or gossiping about it. I saw her answering her phone and just listening, without providing an answer. She put the phone down. “There could be hundreds of reason for her crying and no one should interfere,” my inner voice told me. I stood up to go towards the door. I hesitated. I knew somewhere that she just needs to know that it is acceptable to cry and at least someone understands her. I went near her and asked her to stand. She was startled, but she did stand up. I hugged her tightly. She hugged back and cried. I did not have anything to say to her. I just said, “All will be well.” That was all she needed to calm down. My station came and I went home. I still don’t know whether it was right or wrong, appropriate or not; but I am glad I did it. 

This was the incident which taught me a lot about myself. As I said, I don’t know whether I helped her or not. In retrospect, I feel I tried to show acceptance because I would have liked to be accepted in similar situation. I strongly feel that it was more of an act of courage than acceptance for me. Some other lady might have slapped me for doing the same. I learned something about myself that day. I have the courage to reach out, even though I am fully aware of the probable negative consequences.   

Now, this is a completely different second story.

One day at around 8 p.m. when I was coming back from Andheri station by auto, the auto driver started the conversation with complaining about traffic near Andheri station. Then we talked about the rains and the condition of roads in different areas. He told me about the difficulty he had getting milk in the morning as the area he lives in was quite flooded. Then, he announced that it has been almost a year since he was with his family. He is leaving for native place at Jaunpur, Alahabad, in four days. His brother has come here in Mumbai. Now, the brother will drive the auto for a while, and till then he will spend time with his family. He was elated and was emphasizing the fact that one should spend quality time with one’s family. He cheerfully said, “Whenever I go, I at least live there for 2-6 months there.” Then, all of a sudden, he said, “You must be having kids, don't you?” I answered that I was too young to get married and have kids. He immediately answered back saying, “Nothing like that! When I got married I was just 14 years old and my bride was even younger.” I actually did not expect him to say that. It is different when a lady tells you something like this, but when a man, you don’t even know, says something like this, it is a different feeling altogether. While I was thinking about it, my stop came and I had to get down. I actually said “Bye” and went home. 

I understood that happiness can be shared with anybody and people can actually be happy for you as I was for the auto driver. I once again realized that I am fortunate to be born in a family where my opinion is respected. I could see the language barriers and cultural differences India, as a colorfully cultural country, offers. I was able to understand the similarity of thought of a ‘Father’ about being with the family. It was just a 10-12 minutes journey and I ended up learning so much.

These experiences make me stronger as a human being. I have realized that irrespective of the cognitive and emotional phase I am going through, I always find expressive human beings around me and manage to behave humane with them.

Attachment

Attachment

I wrote a story about attachment as a part of a project in the last semester. I understood what attachment brings to life and what we may lose when we do not have healthy attachments. Attachment is all about relationships and relationships are somewhere the building blocks of our personality. Emotions and relationships are inseparable. Both impact each other. 

Let’s have a look at two stories which involve both relationships and emotions.

Sumita is still upset that her mother went to visit a relative. Sumita has something of her own going on and she is quite stressed. She and her mother share a relationship which has more fights than talks. Today also, she fought with her mother. This is what is happening in Sumita’s life for past few days.

Mom: Ok. Listen. I am going to uncle’s place for few days.

Sumita: Do what you wish, mom.

Mom: I want you to take care of a few things like the electricity bill, grocery, ….

Sumita: (Irritated and quite angry) I know. I know. Now, don’t keep on telling me about what to do and what not to.

Mom: Sumita, I am going for a few days and that’s why I want to tell you things. Are you ok with me going, dear?

Sumita: (Angrily) go away for as many days as you want. Who am I to tell you anything?

Sumita has been having such arguments with her mother for some days. Her mother finally decides to go. Sumita does not want her to go. She never once tells her mom about how she actually feels.

Jay is watching some match on the television. Surfing the channels during the commercial breaks, he stops to watch a show her sister really likes. He wishes that she were here. Jay would have teased her about being obsessed about the show. Jay just came back from a work trip. His sister has gone out for a vacation. She was expected to come back by now. Just the day before, she called and said she wants to extend her vacation. Jay knew that his sister had a tough year. She went through a lot. He is happy that she is enjoying her vacation. He felt relieved when she went. She was really cranky and behaved weird, on occasions. But now, he misses her. He did not expect her to stay that long. They share a great bond. He confirmed with his mother twice about his sister extending the vacation. He does not want to call and disturb her.

Both these stories talk about the unexpressed emotions. In Sumita’s case she might want her mother to be there as her support system. She may feel that expressing that would be a sign of a weak person. Sumita might want her mother to understand her feelings without any spoken words. In her case, her anger is just a camouflage. All her tender emotions are hidden behind the harsh anger and frustration. In Jay’s case, if he expresses his feelings to his sister, she might like it a lot. But, Jay prefers not to express his emotions. He might want her to there for him. 

The bonds in our life mean a lot to us. We might fight, have heated arguments, dislike some things about each other but, these relationships are what make us who we are. It may seem difficult to express our true emotions and expressing the emotions may not work always. But, being aware of our own emotions is still important. 

I remember my conversation with my favorite professor, once. I was talking about the cycle of births and how I believe in it. I thought my professor would say, “Yeah! Me too” Instead my professor said, “We human beings want to hold on to live. We do not want to accept the truth of death. Hence, we develop concepts such as the rebirth. Such concept maintains the existence of life more profound.” I still believe in rebirth. What I learnt from my professor’s comment is that holding on to something is healthy till the point it makes us grow. An ideal relationship is where both the partners help each other grow. However, when sticking with something hinders our growth or blocks someone else’s growth, it is better to let go. 

The relationships develop through expressing emotions in the right manner. It is important to occupy some space and give some place. Things would not always work out in a relationship. Dealing with the ups and downs with a calm demeanor is essential. 

Being alone is not that difficult and relationships are not a dire need but, they do make our life more meaningful.

With this, I think, I understood another flavor of attachment today!!

Happy to Enjoy 26th April 2014

Happy to Enjoy 26th April 2014 

It really seems amazing when you learn something and start believing in it. But, it is mind blowing to get good results out of something you did because you believed in what you learnt. Simply put, when I apply my psychology knowledge in real life, the outcomes are just awesome.

Here, I would like to share with all that I had this paper called ‘Positive Psychology’ in the last semester of MA. My final exams are going on right now. I was surrounded by self-doubt and guilt. Guilt came because I could not study well. Of the four papers we have this semester three are over. I could not concentrate at all while studying. I was angry and disappointed. All these emotions were turned inwards (towards me). The worst part was that till yesterday I was not able to break the wall of these emotions and free my own self. I was looking for answers everywhere but they were lying in front of me the whole time.

I studied about Love, Attachment, and Relationships in the paper on ‘Positive Psychology’. There were topics such as Hope, Optimism, Wisdom, and Mindfulness. All these topics talked about accepting the presence of negativity in life and building up on the positive aspects of life.

I wanted to study well. So, I stopped helping my mother, stopped talking on the phone with my elder brother and aunt. I stopped meeting and spending time with my friends. I would watch television but not talk about what I was going through. I would keep studying as far as I could. This routine made me suffer. The stress of exams was not which bothered me but the restrictions I put on myself did create on emotional tension which I never realized. I caught cold. It made my life even worse.

I gave my third paper away on 25^th April and came out of the class. My friends were discussing about the plans on the day of our last paper on 3^rd May. It was as if a lightening stuck me. I called one of my best friends and we decided to meet yesterday, 26^th April. I also tried asking some more of my close friends to join us. One of them said ‘Yes’ and three of us met yesterday.

According to both of them I was not me at least initially. I knew that. We spent time chatting, arguing, sharing our thoughts and I started feeling lighter. It was so good not to have any restrictions on myself. The whole experience was simple and natural. I again felt connected. I talked with my elder brother as I usually do. I even helped my mother after coming back.

Now, I feel putting those restrictions on me was a mistake. Even though, I know myself quite well, I have been doing this my whole life. I am glad to realize it finally.

It is simple. I believe that my loved ones are very important in my life. I love the fact that I have good friends and cherish every moment spent with them. In some way, people are the source of my enthusiasm and energy. I forgot that even though, I am appearing for exam, I am still me. If I lose the essence of being me, I would not be able to do anything.

When I studied for the paper of ‘Positive Psychology’, I studied about flourishing relationships, loving, enjoying the day to day moments of life to their fullest. When I applied all this, it actually gave me back my smile, my enthusiasm. It also reduced my cold and headache. 

Emotions give us energy. If they are not dealt with properly they can be the biggest source of hindrance possible.

I am glad to smile today.

Love you my friends.

Thank You God for everything!!!

:)