मरण

जायचंय मला मरणापलिकडे
पळून जायचंय
अशा अाकाशात जिथे असतिल रंग
पण त्यांत फरक करता येणार नाही

मला विहरायचंय अव्यक्तामधे
न बोलता न सांगता
कारण समजून घेण्याची गरज
केव्हाच संपलीय

मी कधीही न सोडलेल्या आशेनेच
आज निराशेचं दान घातलंय जणू
जगण्याचं कारणंच हिकावलं जाण्याची
भीती दाटल्येय

अाता खरंच संपणार का सगळं?
हाच अंत!
हेच मरण!?

Good byes are the toughest

Today, I left Khagaria, Bihar with tears in my eyes and loads and loads of memories in my heart. I don't know if I was helpful throughout the project. I know one thing for sure that I connected with people and I am going to remember this time forever. The pondering I did on the riverbank, the yelling at children, the love I felt toward the project and children, and above all the James Bond Connection I developed with almost everyone are going to be my emotional food.

As I always believe nobody knows where we might end up, not once in my whole life would I have thought that I would spend some of the best moments of my life till date in a small town of Bihar, Khagaria.

I own a lot to Wall Art Festival organisers and members because without their unconditional love, I wouldn't have been able to come and live in this part of my country and learn so many things that I did in such a small time.

When I left home, it was my Mom, family, and friends who shared tea with me and ensured that I had enough food. It was my little brother who said you should go alone to the train station in order to prepare for the journey ahead and still came to drop me off. This time while leaving, it was one of the artists, the very first Japanese Chaiwala (tea vender) who ensured that I drank tea before leaving. It was the project coordinator who told me to have a safe journey. And last but not the least, it was the cook's helper who asked me whether I had enough food for the journey. I think this is enough for me. A heart full of happiness and memories, a brain full of experiences and learning, and eyes full of tears expressing meriands of emotions.

I have stated this earlier and would like to emphasise it again, I am happy that I took this journey. I think I have not been happier with any of my decisions.

I gave love, and I received much more. I feel I am returning enriched.

Towards acceptance

Towards acceptance

Life is full of experiences. They come to you even if you try and avoid them. Sometimes, I don’t know when I am avoiding experiences or learning lessons. It’s typical of me to avoid things when I cannot handle it. I think this is how the mind works. So, it is okay sometimes to let your mind handle things for you. However, at the end, you have only one way to live your life—by facing it. I try and run as much as I can. My mind keeps on telling me that I am not prepared. However, I know that it would never be prepared to take a blow on the nose. Nobody wants to fall down. Nobody expects to wake up and get a tough blow on the nose. We are creatures of hope, and unless there is something really wrong somewhere, we never give up on hope or expectations. However, sometimes, this silly hope makes us not face the wall. It creates an illusion of a longer route that might help you cross the wall. However, some walls don’t crumble howmuchever one tries. It’s important that we learn to accept them. It’s important that we make ourselves stronger in order to accept such things.

I found it funny that I started crying loudly after one of the artists left from Khagaria, Bihar. I knew that everybody would have to leave. I knew that we are meeting to separate. However, the separation was like a blow to my heart. I cried so much—probably after a lot of years. I was ashamed of the weakness I showed in that moment. I could not believe the amount of emotions overflowing. It was difficult to control. I had to, however. I was crying not knowing why I am experiencing such a strong bout of emotions. I started thinking. I feel like laughing at myself now. I was crying and simultaneously figuring out the reason for crying. I was analyzing my own emotions. It was a good thing that the emotions were coming out. After a lot of thought and consideration, I realized that it was not just the artist but the separation itself had hurt me badly. Images of all the people around started flowing in my heart. I felt horrible as the thought of I leaving the next day crossed my mind. Then, other images started coming up from deep down. It was again the face of my grandfather. He left me four years ago. In that moment, I realized that I have yet to get over that separation in my life. The feelings are still quite strong. All the emotions I experience find a way to reach my memories of my grandfather. I cried my heart out. I felt better. I felt his presence. I don’t know whether it was some extrasensory experience or just my beliefs fooling me. However, as Ichirosan had said the night before, we all are unaware of a lot of things. We do not understand them. I just kept crying. I let it be.

Sometimes, it is just about accepting things. I think I am accepting the fact that my grandfather is not with me. I am still a traveler on the road of acceptance. I hope to accept this part of my life.

The other thing I want to accept is that people would not change unless they want to. Again, this is a hard fact. I do not have a remote clue about how to behave with a significant other in my life. I am lost completely. I am leaving my hope slowly so that I can achieve peace of mind. I am facing my fears. I do not know what awaits me beyond. I sense that there are things that I won’t ever understand. However, they will help me sail through all this journey. This I continue believing.