Until.......

Until......

I take a deep breath. I still cannot smile. The fact that I am doing well academically does not make me feel good about my life. I decided that I would not write something that is disturbing me ever on my blog. But, I think instead of not having any feelings, it is better to have some negative feelings. 

It is during these negative times that I think very much in existential manner. Who am I? Why am I here? Was there even a reason behind my birth? Does God exist? Does he see me? Does he feel it sad when I feel sad and lonely? So many questions keep on attending the loneliness seminar going on in my mind that I cannot even count them. I just let them come as the entry is free and the questions do not give a damn even when the guards tell them not to enter. The biggest issue is that they return unanswered with faces that show clear dissatisfaction. They attend the workshops of unhappiness, frustration, too. They do not get tired even though I end the workshop sometimes, to be calm and at peace. 

The strong urge of telling something deep to someone close rises at such times. I try to contact someone or the other to just tell whatever I am feeling. What happens then? Everyone is busy or just not there. I just let the feelings be there. They accompany me for quite some time. Then, I do something and literally escape into work. This means that I did not get a chance to share whatever I felt for however brief time. Sometimes, people do answer my calls and they do ask why I am sounding low. I talk to them about everything but what is bothering me. Then, these feelings accumulate. Though I do not nurture them I am most of the times unable to remove them completely. 

This usually happens when I have a great news to share and there is no one to cheer ‘Hurray!’ with me. Either everyone is busy or not in the mood to celebrate. I am happy about the small achievements in my life. But, when there is no one to share those small moments, I feel incredibly lonely and all my enthusiasm and happiness starts eating me inside. It turns into equal amount of loneliness. I sit with myself becoming my own counselor, mother, friend, and even GOD sometimes. I hug myself. I cry and I console myself. It goes on like two people in one person. One of them is sad and the other offers anything and everything he has. 

Then, the nurturing self decides that it is enough. There are people with more problems. It is fine that one was sad but one has so many things to do and they are waiting to be done. So, I drag myself to work on something and everything is normal.

Until one more small happiness that turns into sadness………..