Finally...

Finally

For years together, I have written a diary—of course, on and off. Writing everyday is very difficult. I almost always thought that the moment you can tell your story and laugh about it, you are healed.

Even as a teenager, I knew this. So, I told my story, retold it, and retold it to anyone who was close. I was a loner. When I shared my story, however basic my struggle may be… however small, people started getting connected to me. I started being this person to whom people would come and tell things without hesitation. I grew up. I took a lot of time.

Now, the tears that I have in my eyes are happy tears.

I had only one complaint that I never really fell in love. I always wanted to. Sometime, I did not let myself flow the way I could have and sometimes, I just was not ready. I held back. When I was ready, there was nobody. The time had gone. There were more important things to do in life. I wish I would have dated. Now, I am just waiting to meet someone.

These are some of the reasons I started writing a diary. I started befriending myself. I did not know when that happened. I became friends with everything but people. I started being what I am and stopped being what people wanted me to be. I started talking to things—literally. People would make fun of me for the same. I tried to curb it. Then, I left it. I started understanding people. Not everyone can handle a quirky friend. I started understanding that. I was sad for the same. Slowly and gradually, I understood that if a person is understood by a friend because what the friend is then, it is better not to have such a friend. It’s not like they are bad people. They are just very different from what you are. I started respecting that. Again, it took a lot of time to understand this.

I continued being what I was. I grew to be quite a prosocial person. I started getting into this contract kind of a thing. I would feel good. However, that also led to me being exploited a little. People would not help me back or be there for me even when I helped and was there for them. I did not understand this. So, I was hurt. I irritated people around me telling them this.

Then, one fine day, one of my teacher told me that if people are to find a pillar in me, I have to be rooted in myself. i cannot keep on seeking, asking, expecting, and complaining. I thought about it. I started acting on it. I would not say I have achieved it. However, I have at least started my journey. I fell a lot of times and still do. However, I could stand at least some of the times. I am glad to say that I have received my first fruit.

I resigned from my job. It was my last day. I was happy and sad both. Even though I knew I was moving toward what I want, I was definitely leaving what I had. It is difficult. You become a creature of habit and comfort. I had just settled down in the job, when I realized that this is not what I want to do. In the last few days, I knew there will be one or two people who would definitely miss me. I was quite close to them. Frankly, that was enough for me. According to me, I had tried my best not to hurt anyone. I always do that. I had tried my best to have closure for me as well as for those around.

However, something happened. People went out of their way to come to me and say their goodbyes. Someone actually said “I will miss you.” Someone actually voiced something like, “it would not be the same.” Someone actually said, “I don’t like that you are leaving.” It’s different when friends say these things to each other at the farewell. However, when a colleague says it, it’s totally different. When I left, I actually voiced this. One of my colleague who did not even know me much told me that “You gave so much love, it is bound to come back.” I realized that I had managed to not expect, seek, ask, and complain—even though it was even for a very little bit.

I had not changed. I still behave as quirkily. What just happened that the people had reciprocated. They did not see me as only a person with quirks anymore. I was something more than that. Last few days, I was just wondering—what has changed? Today, I got the answer. Finally, somehow, I seemed to have accepted myself. I don’t know when it happened. I realized this now as I remembered that last thing I did before I left. I kissed my Personal Computer at my office goodbye as if it was normal and natural… as if I would do this for the rest of my lives.

I got so much love that I was shocked. I thought a lot. So, here is the post for all my colleagues who made me feel very very special. Love you all.

P.S.: If any of my colleagues are reading this, please do not edit while reading.