This is how google describes simple harmonic motion: oscillatory motion under a retarding force proportional to the amount of displacement from an equilibrium position. I know that this can happen with your mood as well. However, what I experienced recently was not what I would call mood swings.
You see, blaming is easy. It helps you shun away the
responsibility. Something similar happened to me.
Weekends are not the best part of my life, especially when I
don’t have something to look forward to. I can handle a day which is directionless
but not two-three days consequently handed to me without a notice. It doesn’t seem
like a very open person’s life. That’s not true and if you know me you would
agree with that. So, I had almost a non-working Friday (Compared to my 12 h
workday, I had to work for just 3 h). So, I chilled, slept on time and slept
till late.
I did a lot of work that day. I laundered my clothes, tidied
up my cupboard, cleaned a bit here and there, sorted out clothes for some
alteration or repair work. It was a productive afternoon. I also worked a bit. Then,
since my mum wanted to go to this reception and it was a bit late, I went with
her. I was tired by the time I came home slept.
Next day, I woke up relatively on time. I had nothing to
look forward to and I got to know about it quite early in the morning. My Sunday
plan was cancelled as my friend had some family thing. I had some shopping to
do related to work. I decided that I will dress up for myself and have a good
time. I refused to shop for my home as I really didn’t want to do anything for
someone else which is always the case. I wanted this evening to be a good
evening for myself. However, as a responsible person I couldn’t say no when
requested to again and again. That’s how I think it started. I had this thought
that if nobody ever offers to do my work or shop for me, why should I be the courteous
one. Nonetheless, I shopped. I bought a pastry for myself and ate it. It felt
nice but there was a sudden surge of happiness and emptiness. It was so good
that it pained.
I called and chatted with my friend. After all, it was
Christmas and I had wanted to meet her but couldn’t as I was supposed to be
with some other friend. She told me that she had missed me. Again, it felt so
good that it hurt. I walked back home and tried calling some other people, who
either didn’t pick up or told me that they were busy. I got to know that I was
going to have a relatively less busy day again the next day. I called up
friends to make plans but they seemed too busy to talk to or receive their
so-called best friend’s call. This calling others is not a one-time thing with
me. I randomly message, mail and call people to know whether they are doing
well. It’s nice to know that all are doing well and are healthy. However, this isn’t
as good as it looks. Gradually, you start realizing that people don’t call you
on their own and they may not even call back. That kind of is sad. More than
them not staying in touch, you realizing it is the sad part.
I am not blaming literally, not now anyways. I know people
are essentially good and they don’t intend to harm you or neglect/ignore you. They
just are really caught up in their lives—be it family, friends, colleagues or
anyone else crossing your path. Generally, I won’t let myself get affected by
this. I wasn’t just in the mood to accommodate the hundreds and thousands of
excuses people might have for not staying in touch.
So, let’s get back to my lousy mood. Not only did I start
blaming others and speaking and thinking bitterly about them but I actually
started internalizing their behaviour. My self-talk was something like this:
I am such a sloppy person that people must be finding it
difficult to connect to me.
Anyways that friend of mine said that I talk a lot. I do, don’t
I? That’s why all the people go away.
Don’t people say that I am too intense?
What did some of them called me? Yes, impulsive.
Oh yes! There are those who call me immature.
What all my friends call me (they say it as a joke but they mean
it, don’t they?): Mad, abnormal…
Such kind of self-talk doesn’t life your mood up for sure. It
happens within nanoseconds. I didn’t even realize it until the psychotherapist
in me was like, “Give it rest, lady!”
I digress a bit, of course. So, one of my friends (I was mad
like lava at all of them for not listening to my yapping, especially not
picking up my calls) called back (she is quite close to me). I lashed out at
her in all the ways possible. I told her that she needn’t call at all. She told
me she was sad that I was sad. It was so horrible situation that I felt
confused but good in a weird sort of a way. It didn’t help at all. I wasn’t up
to feeling anything good. Then, she did the mistake that we as psychologists
are trained not to do. She told me that I should be realistic and understand
that people don’t have time. The utopian concept of friendship is nothing but a
lie—an illusion, as I like to call it. No one can be there for others when they
want them to be. People are there with you according to their convenience. I was
hurt. I knew this all my life. I just didn’t want to listen it then. I told her
if that was the case, then it was worthless communicating with anybody about your
pain. You might as well tell everyone that you are happy and be as sad as you
wanted in front of your mind’s eye. Else, don’t communicate anything at all.
I realized why I was feeling like this. One generally tends
to look at others with the goggle of his/her personal experiences. Since I make
it a point to express my gratitude, happiness, care, I instinctively started believing
that people would be equally comfortable with this. I was shattered once again
and now, I am awed.
What goes around comes around.
How many people would say this and it’s all there in the
moral stories. However, looking from a rational perspective, this is nothing but
a irrational thought which builds up expectations. Expectations are sure to
lead to disillusionment. They did in my case.
Next was the question of whether or not I should stop doing
what I do. My instant response was to run away as far as I can, considering all
the constraints of the situation. It was an easy way out. Why do good to others
when it may not come back. Why care about others and pray for them when they don’t
care enough. Why be there for people, when they aren’t there for you. Generally,
I would have changed my thoughts telling myself that we don’t live for others. Our
actions should be exclusive of others thinking, beliefs and actions. Otherwise,
I would tell myself that I should maintain how Amruta is.
This time, it was something else that changed. It was much
more than it. It was another belief. A belief of a dual existence of myself, a capability
to love unconditionally that moved me.
I just thought it was the Christmas day. Shall I give up on
being good? Did any saint gave up on being good. Didn’t all the stories tell us
that good people always suffered. Many stories even tell us that they had
tragic ends. So, if I stop being good, stop expressing my genuine self, can I ensure
a fulfilling end and even further a happy ending. I anyways don’t know what
tomorrow has in store for me.
I might end up in the Pluto’s world of ideas, Descartes’ doubt
or Dante’s inferno. At least, I will think I led a good life if I continue
being good, genuine and most importantly, me.
When I would finally meet my dear friend death, it’s my life
as I see it is going to flash in front of me. So, why not make it the way I
feel it and consider best.
In retrospection, I was swayed to one end by bunch of stupid
thoughts and emotions in nanosecond and was swayed back to the centre after a
lot of swaying by equally senseless self-talk. I would say that the
oscillations are still happening but they seem to have sped down. That’s kind
of a relief.
You never know, it might even be PMS. It would be even
stupid reason.
I am enjoying it though. They say, people are unaware of
this or cannot articulate. I would say they are blessed, or are they?
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