I proudly say I am an agnostic. So, I have stand that I have
no stand on organized religion. The word organized religion is a difficult one
to understand even for a person who knows the meaning. However, yes, there are
religions who have a structure. By definition of my views, I don’t have a
structure and that is my structure. A while ago, I didn’t know that not having
a structure is itself a structure.
Anyway, coming back to my situation, I don’t believe in
sharing things virtually. Read things as intimate feelings. Read intimate as
deeply personal. These definitions become necessary when you cannot see the
face of the person and cannot feel the heavy or low breaths that the person is
taking and neither can you feel and empathize with the tone of voice. The body
language and tactile sense is way out of reach. So, yes, on all the other
platforms, you talk through these definitions and making them clearer and
clearer so that you convey your point as correctly as you can to have the
feeling of being understood. For the very same reason, I avoid conveying my
feelings through any other means than face to face meeting.
I needed to communicate my emotions. I was struggling. I was
experiencing negative emotions, physical and emotional pain, warning signs that
stress was taking over my body. I figured out various physical symptoms and
finally stumbled upon the most likely psychological symptom that might have
caused all the comparatively small upheaval in my life. I was clear
cognitively. Rather, cognition had taken over and was struggling hard. How much
can I let it? I needed to communicate what I was going through. I knew it would
let the steam off.
These days, I would just go out and run. Run as much as I could.
It is a good form of exercise. It reduces lactic acid, increases stamina, and
most importantly releases endorphin. Endorphin makes your brain work smoothly
and happily. That’s good. It helped me every time. I would gain perspective as I
tended to think about all the amazing things that I have read or encountered. It
proved good. It was better than saying a sentence and defining words from that
sentence. It was a good self-talk.
So, today also, I turned to running. I didn’t try and
communicate to anyone what I was facing. I ran. After running for a while, I remembered
what I was searching for. I wanted a quiet place where no one would question me
but let me be. If I am crying, let me cry. If despairing, let me despair. If praying,
let me pray and if breaking down, break down. People have something to say. I didn’t
want that. I didn’t know that now. I wished that I would find such a place.
You know what? You won’t believe my luck. I did. It was a
temple. It was calm. I sat there in front of the idol thinking God must be
sleeping. I told him that though I didn’t believe him, I could sense positive
energy and it was easy to believe in my grandfather’s belief of God’s existence
than believing in God. I told what I was going through. I closed my eyes and
told everything that I was dying to say. I told what I needed. I prayed. I prayed.
And I prayed.
My breathing returned to normal. My headache had gone down
to almost nothing. I felt lighter as the burden of tears didn’t bother me. I was
starting to even feel hungry, really hungry and not this-is-the-eating-time
hungry. I ran for a while, came home, and ate healthily and merrily.
I was thinking while running. I don’t know what are
organized religions and don’t want to get into any debate. I just know that I prayed
for a place to be what I wanted to be without any judgement and I actually got
that place. I got what I seek. To my surprise, I didn’t ask for anything but
courage to sail through.
I don’t know if people understand me but I found dogs who
understood me. I was running. Some dogs started barking at me and following me.
I ignored thinking that they would go away. They didn’t. One of them came so
close he could have bitten me. He didn’t. I turned around and just looked into
their eyes and asked them to let me be. They went away.
I understood that yes the energy from which you come is
there around you and is listening to you. Actively seeking it is important. Also,
don’t ignore or run away from your problem. Face them and turn your problems
into your friends, they might be the best company you can ever get.
And yes, run. Endorphin is good for you.
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