Social traditions, patriarchy and comfort zone

I have met several guys in my parents attempts to get me married and settled. All of them had one common expectation. They did not want to separate from their parents. To all the guys I said, “Yes. I understand and I would not expect you to do so” (or something similar verbally or non-verbally). I am true to my word. I would not expect any guy to live in a separate house, leaving his parents, just for me. However, when answering this question, I always have had things to say that I never said out loud. (To understand more why I didn’t say them out loud, read my article ‘Honesty is not always the best policy’.)

Now, let’s get straight to the premise of this writing exercise. What do I wonder about when guys tell me that they want to live with their parents. Here it goes.

I respect family as an institution. As psychologists, we learn that family is the first social institution that we encounter and it is also our first learning space. I am happy about the fact that men love their parents and are clear in their thoughts about taking care of them. I respect that. On the other hand, I know that I am a woman. I know that tradition dictates that women leave their parental house and live with the man’s family. However, this does not mean that I love my parents less. This doesn’t mean that I would not want to take care of them. A person may have hundred complains about one’s parents; nonetheless, they are the source of one’s existence. Hence, parents always remain a priority, no matter where the child goes (exceptions exist for this and I would not be analyzing and considering them in this article as they would not have this problem in the first place). Parents are a child’s comfort zone.

So, it is my sincere request to all the men out there who are considering marriage, think whether you would be able to give what you are asking. Did that become difficult to understand? Here, I am putting it in simpler words.

We live in patriarchy. So, currently, women leave their comfort zone. And leaving one’s comfort zone is never easy, be it for a woman or a man.

However, imagine a world where a man leaves his parents’ house and settles in with his wife in her house. You would be celebrating your birthday, your anniversary, your promotion, and so on with your in-laws and all you get with your parents is merely a phone call or a short visit. On the other hand, your wife who stays with her parents, your in-laws, gets to do everything in her comfort zone. Imagine that there may be some tricky situations in which both sets of parents need assistance. This is 100% situational. Neither the wife nor the husband can be held responsible. You have to put your in-laws needs before the needs of your parents. This is tradition. You have to follow it.

So, men, when you tell women that you won’t leave your parents after marriage, understand that what you are asking women to do is to leave their comfort zone and make your comfort zone into ‘a shared comfort zone’. Think for a minute. You cannot even imagine to leave your comfort zone, yet you are expecting the other person to do it.

I am not saying that men should separate from their parents. Please don’t get me wrong. If I don’t want my parents to be alone, I would not want anyone parents to be left alone.

But, men, you need to think about what you would do for the woman’s parents, if she is going to leave her house and take care of your parents.

And this holds true for some women as well. These women fail to understand that men are raised to expect women to leave their comfort zone. When women ask them to leave their parents, for men, it sounds something very close to criminal and unfathomable. Again, the same argument goes here. If you are not leaving your comfort zone, expecting it from the other person is simply unfair. Like men need to think for the women’s parents, so do women.

Let’s look at the corporate world. When you are a business partner, you share responsibilities. So, you make sacrifices for the company together. You bear losses and celebrate profits together. If only one of the business partners is taking responsibility and making sacrifices, that partner would know the company more and eventually the other partner would merely become a namesake.

Look at the person you are marrying as your partner. If you don’t shoulder half of the responsibilities, you are going to be like an alien to your partner. You would become a namesake in the long run. Believe me, this would also rob you off your happiness.

I know and understand that this isn’t easy.

I am going to quote lines from the scientist by Coldplay: Nobody said it was easy, no one ever said it would be this hard, oh take me back to the start.

The key here is to be willing to start over and not give up because someone once told me that relationships are always work in progress!