The healing that has to happen is to happen inside and not outside.

The healing that has to happen is to happen inside and not outside.

It may not be easy. It may get tiring. But it has to happen. It will happen.

These are my recent conversations:

My NRI friend, "You won't understand this, but I really miss you."
I, "You do?"
Inside my head, my self talks, [He misses me. Can anyone really miss me? I miss them because I feel connected to them. I try and maintain the relationship. I don't think anyone can miss me.]

Psychologist in my head, {This does not mean I do not like me. I like myself. I describe myself as weird not because I find myself weird but I know society would. Same thing goes here. I like me. But I just find it hard to believe that others would like me or miss me. In a nutshell, I do not think that others would find me worthy enough.}

My poor Ego in my head, (Stop justifying myself. I at least in part think that I am something less than others. Oh! I know you are proud of being a psychologist and editor but you still think that you are not the best. I am the ego. I agree with you. You are not the best. That does not mean that you are less than others. You beat yourself up about the social norms and standards for beauty. You, dear psychologist, want to maintain who you are. You, my dear ID, want to be the most beautiful and sexy. You, my lord, superego, do not want to be considered vulgar or do not want to violate moral protocol. So, I, Ego, have long ago decided that we would not call ourselves pretty ever. We have an honest soul. That should be it. I am done considering your opinions and deciding how I would want to look at the social gatherings. I am going to side with the Psychologist because at least she does not fight with me and does not come charging at me. So, that's done.)

Psychologist again, {Thank god you finished. Thank you for the complement, but you digressed from the point. You talk a lot. I have reminded you number of times to be quiet. Everyone thinks you talk a lot. Stop this or you would be in trouble.}


My poor Ego again, (I cannot stop like that. I hate the vacuum when I do not speak. Because when I do not speak, all of you start speaking. Look at this exercise for example. The self talk is so small and you all have made it into a conference. If I talk, you all are quiet for that time at least. The self feels burdened, you know, with all your requests!)

Psychologist, {I understand, dear Ego. But you are responsible for the growth and development and I am going to be with you so that that goal is not forgotten.}

My self looking at everyone, [They are talking. I do not know what to do. I think I will just be. Ego will definitely come up with something. It always does.]

Ego, (I appreciate your inputs. I just have a hard bargain with these two!! Could you talk to them?)

Psychologist, {I am bound by my role as you are! That is your responsibility.}

Ego, (Alright, I get it! You two, we are ending this conversation. It should not have been thins long in the first place. Stop putting unnecessary pressure on me. Nobody sees you both. They do not know you hiss out things in my space all the time. Right now, stop! Okay!)

ID hissing, only Ego and Superego can hear, (-- Okay, but remember how pleasurable my suggestions are... those dreams... fantasies...--)

Superego hissing, only Ego and ID can hear, (** I will stop now. But the society is where we belong. Do not get carried away by that brat. You have to go out in the society. Do not forget that.**)

Ego, (Arrrrrrgh, I said STOP!!)

Psychologist, {Calm down dear Ego. The self is getting tired. She wanted to say something.}

Ego, mellow and calm, (I know. Self, please carry on. I am here to handle this. I am here for you.)

Self, [Thank you, Ego. I get tired of this. I don't know what to think. But I know, it would be okay. [To herself] Recently, that is the only thing I know. I know that I do not think highly of myself. But the universe, it distinguishes not. I am as his as someone else is. That is what I believe and I know. Tara is here for me. Thank you.]


One of my wise friend and then my father told me, "When people talk to you and tell you the same thing again and again, they are but talking to themselves."

Self, [So true!]
Ego, sarcastically grinning, (Evident from the above transcript, don't you think?)
Psychologist, smiling, (Can't deny that, dear!)

My wise friend continued, "It takes a lot of experience and patience to keep calm and not let ourselves burst out."
Self, Ego and Psychologist in unison with me, "Yes. Sometimes when we are bubbling up with anger, to tell yourself to calm down is the most difficult thing. We have to do it day in and day out to get used to. After all this, we still may have days on which we cannot control ourselves."
My wise friend, "Yes. That's a fact!"

My self in my head, [Healing? I don't know. Definitely sounds like confused clarity!!!]
Psychologist, Ego, Self, all are grinning.