Reason to Smile…

A day or two before, I was feeling really confused and not able to smile from my heart. It was difficult to handle. I had no lectures to distract my mind and keep me busy.

I did not know what to do. I did not know what would make me feel better. I knew the reason behind the sadness that surrounded me but I did not know how to deal with it. I watched my favourite television show. I watched a movie of my favourite actress. I sat in my comfortable chair and went online to watch some videos and help myself to deal with the feelings. I could not help myself. 

The day started and time was moving very slowly. I started feeling that I was not competent enough to understand myself and to solve my own problems. I could not handle the fact that it was difficult to know exactly what I am feeling. I am a post-graduate student of psychology. I knew that I am supposed to name what I am feeling exactly and then accept it and choose a course of action that would lead to positive outcomes. I knew the theory but it was almost impossible to apply it practically. 

I was feeling confused. I was overwhelmed with the fact that there are a lot of things which I cannot control and I still had to accept them as a part of my whole life. I knew that what happened was not under my control and I also knew that I was not ready to adjust. So, I started convincing myself that it was fine and I would wait with the emotions I was feeling inside so that they will taper off. But, as the day was heading ahead the emotions started growing stronger. The emotions demanded my full attention and I tried hard to ignore them. The situation I was facing was too personal and I could not share it with anybody. I tried to be dominating and angry. But, I was not feeling angry and that was the reason I could not get angry. However, I got irritated that I was unable to choose a course of action that would help me reduce the intensity of emotions inside.  

It was evening and I was still with the confused, irritated and lonely state of mind. I thought I could go out and do some bank work that was pending for a while. I combed my hair, got dressed, grabbed my bag and went out. I did my work. I was still living with those emotions. I ate my favourite street food and I was still struggling. I called up my close friend and talked to him about whatever situation I was having metaphorically. It did help a bit with the loneliness. I could accept the fact that I was not in control and also would not get any help. But I was still not able to smile wholeheartedly. I was still confused about the choices I made.

I thought I was doing nothing. I felt almost useless for some time. Then, one of my friends called about our project and I was excited that I had something to do. I did internet surfing about the same project till late night and then decided to sleep.

The next day started with a moderate mood mixed with confusion and questions. I decided to watch some television program and also listen to a video on positive psychology so it would help with one of my papers in this semester. I did that and it helped me elevate my mood. But, I was still not smiling as I always do looking at my own face. For some reasons a distant friend wanted to meet me. I also had to meet my other friend to borrow his help for the project. I fixed the timing and decided to meet them. I watched the video on positive psychology just before leaving to meet my friends. I was thinking, “The lecturer in the video said one should spend quality time with friends and family”. I knew quality time with family is not going to help here. Though it was a coincidence I was happy that I was meeting my friends. I had a great time with both of my friends. It was really good. 

I always tend to think about the dark side. I tend to think in terms of “Why would anybody even bother to care about me?”, “I am just an ordinary girl. Why would anybody remember me?”. But, I know that my family and friends do remember me. They miss me when I am not there. Hence, somewhere I contribute in my own way to the small world around me. This is what I realize every time when I spend time with the people who know me. 

I got a strong reason to smile, to laugh. I have lovely friends and wonderful family. I have my own self to take care of me. I have got something inside that keeps my heart beating and brain functioning. I have an amazing mind which searches for my minute problems and helps fix them. So, I have every reason to smile.

Things will happen. All I need to do is believe in myself and follow what my mind says.