Did I just wake up?

As I always say, we learn something or the other every day. With every day that passes we learn, we grow, and yes, we change. It is indeed amazing.

The other day I was talking to my friends, rather, colleagues. I was telling them that I am going home. One of them jokingly said, “Yeah! Finish your work and get lost from this place. Go home.” Without even realizing, I ended up saying, “I would love to get lost so that I can find myself again.” I never knew that I held such a spirit somewhere inside me. I went back to my work. However, this thought never left me. I still think to myself, “Amazing, isn’t it?”

Once I was at home and wanted to take a walk all of a sudden. Acting on my instinct, I went to walk. I started thinking about my anger, about the fights I had with some of my loved ones. At the same time, I was thinking about something someone said to me sometime back. That person was speaking my heart, “It has been three weeks since we came here, but it doesn’t feel that so much time has passed.” I, a strong believer of Einstein’s philosophy of relativity of time, told him, “When we are doing something which we love doing or are with our loved ones, time flies. It goes away faster. On the other hand, when we are doing something boring, time ceases to move.” The person understood what I said perfectly. All this conversation played in my mind while walking. I thought do I really want regrets resulting from my anger. I surely did not. I decided to apologize to the people I had hurt. I also knew that they are close enough to understand me.

I recently visited a village very similar to my parents’ hometown. I always felt that volunteering makes me feel good. It does. However, I never understood that it is the memory, the schema of childhood I carry with me, attaches me to every village I visit. It allows me to experience the smell of the soil differently than others. It is what I feel about my grandfather that helps me connect with the air, soil, sky, and all other living and non-living elements. For once, I realized that not only the natural landscapes or helping someone but also the sweet memories of childhood that give me immense amount of pleasure. I seek every experience that allows me to experience those moments again and again. They rejuvenate me.

When I look at myself as a Psychologist, I realize that I use regression as a defense mechanism when I want to express something that I cannot. I become a child. I listen to poems, watch cartoons, simply jump, or indulge into all those things that I did as a child. My friends, family, and colleagues find it simply weird. I understand them. They would not really get from where such a behavior would come. It is not right for anyone to expect other people to understand such a thing. However, it gives me immense pleasure to know what I resort to and how exactly it works out in there. This part of me isn’t childish at all. People call this part normal. But, I love both of my parts equally.

It sometimes seems that you have lost yourself in the world that people call normal. When you follow all those social rules and abide by all the expectations, you forget to ask yourself for your own wishes, urges, cravings, and of course, injuries. The inner self keeps on calling you until you answer. When you do answer the call, even though it may just mean eating ice-cream when you have a little cold, meeting your friend without planning, dancing in the street because you’re happy, letting go off your tears, letting your heart stay and feet linger till they are ready to leave, it feels lighter. It is as if you were asleep for a while and woke up again.

I hereby request all of you to not wait long for listening to your inner self. Please do not tire it. It is an immense source of freedom, energy, imagination, … It has the power to transform your breath into fire, ice, or a storm, whatever you want.

I know why this inner self is called spirit now. Remember, before giving an injection, the doctor rubs some spirit and then proceeds. It feels cold. That same spirit is used in lamps to ignite fire.   

So, the simple thing is, when you realize something, act on it. So many people I have observed do understand, however, do not act including myself. This simply leads to regrets.

It’s your choice: regrets or boundless energy.