Towards acceptance
Life is full of experiences. They come to you even if you
try and avoid them. Sometimes, I don’t know when I am avoiding experiences or learning
lessons. It’s typical of me to avoid things when I cannot handle it. I think
this is how the mind works. So, it is okay sometimes to let your mind handle
things for you. However, at the end, you have only one way to live your life—by
facing it. I try and run as much as I can. My mind keeps on telling me that I am
not prepared. However, I know that it would never be prepared to take a blow on
the nose. Nobody wants to fall down. Nobody expects to wake up and get a tough
blow on the nose. We are creatures of hope, and unless there is something
really wrong somewhere, we never give up on hope or expectations. However,
sometimes, this silly hope makes us not face the wall. It creates an illusion
of a longer route that might help you cross the wall. However, some walls don’t
crumble howmuchever one tries. It’s important that we learn to accept them. It’s
important that we make ourselves stronger in order to accept such things.
I found it funny that I started crying loudly after one of
the artists left from Khagaria, Bihar. I knew that everybody would have to
leave. I knew that we are meeting to separate. However, the separation was like
a blow to my heart. I cried so much—probably after a lot of years. I was
ashamed of the weakness I showed in that moment. I could not believe the amount
of emotions overflowing. It was difficult to control. I had to, however. I was
crying not knowing why I am experiencing such a strong bout of emotions. I started
thinking. I feel like laughing at myself now. I was crying and simultaneously
figuring out the reason for crying. I was analyzing my own emotions. It was a
good thing that the emotions were coming out. After a lot of thought and
consideration, I realized that it was not just the artist but the separation itself
had hurt me badly. Images of all the people around started flowing in my heart.
I felt horrible as the thought of I leaving the next day crossed my mind. Then,
other images started coming up from deep down. It was again the face of my
grandfather. He left me four years ago. In that moment, I realized that I have
yet to get over that separation in my life. The feelings are still quite
strong. All the emotions I experience find a way to reach my memories of my
grandfather. I cried my heart out. I felt better. I felt his presence. I don’t know
whether it was some extrasensory experience or just my beliefs fooling me. However,
as Ichirosan had said the night before, we all are unaware of a lot of things. We
do not understand them. I just kept crying. I let it be.
Sometimes, it is just about accepting things. I think I am
accepting the fact that my grandfather is not with me. I am still a traveler
on the road of acceptance. I hope to accept this part of my life.
The other thing I want to accept is that people would not
change unless they want to. Again, this is a hard fact. I do not have a remote
clue about how to behave with a significant other in my life. I am lost
completely. I am leaving my hope slowly so that I can achieve peace of mind. I am
facing my fears. I do not know what awaits me beyond. I sense that there are
things that I won’t ever understand. However, they will help me sail through
all this journey. This I continue believing.
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