Things get difficult sometimes. It indeed seems that there
is no way out. But I would always say that my complaints are always addressed
to my God as is my gratitude.
This is a cry of a girl who lost the most important person
in her life more than five years ago. She lost hope that day. Losing anything
is difficult. However, if you have hope, you can always come back. Losing hope
leads you to a perpetual night. Her fingers still tremble and her lips shiver
when she comes face to face with her grief. She was quite attached to that
person. She tried to find someone. She is still trying to find someone. She knows
that what she shared with him is never going to come back. That’s the reason
she was hopeless. She covered her hopelessness with anger, frustration, rebelliousness,
arrogance, stubbornness. She hid her grief as she could not find anyone to
share it.
She could not succeed in many things she did. She worked
hard. She couldn’t avoid her feelings coming in her way though. Leading a seemingly
normal life after a huge loss is certainly not easy. The days are filled with
something or the other. It is the nights that trouble the most. After a busy
day when she would lie down on her bed, her feelings would come back to haunt
her. However, life had to continue.
It was easy to build a wall around oneself than confide. Like
a story in which a princess wanted to roam the world and her father wanted to
cover the entire world with leather. Someone suggested that the princess simply
cover her feet with leather instead. In a similar way, rather than
communicating her sorrow, she decided that it was easy to protect it. In a way,
she is still protecting some of it. There were people who tried to offer her
comfort. Alas! She couldn’t get any. Gradually, she could face her loss and
fear. She found good friends. However, she went far far away from the people
lived with her. They just became strangers—adults who were enveloped in their
own world and who did not have any time for her emotions.
She started growing up. She started handling her own issues
and problems. She started deciding to be independent. It was a journey she
began without much of her free will. She was confused. She did not know which way
was up. There came a moment of realization when her aimless pursuits stopped
being aimless. The road she chose led her to calmness. She knew she wanted to
achieve composure and independence. She realized that she cannot crumble down
so easily but should support herself. She found people around her who were
ready to help. She did not know that even if no one else is there she would be
there for herself. This gave her the reassurance she was searching for.
The most important person in her life is still the most
important person in her life. She would not have been able to travel on this
road of self-search without immense guidance from him. There were so many times
she just wanted to give up. She did not know then that she was giving up on
herself. She knows that this journey is tiring. There are going to be hundreds
of obstacles. She was searching for someone to hold her hand for support. She did
not know that for one of her hand the other hand can be the support she is
searching for.
When she lost him, there was a void that got created. It was
like a big jigsaw puzzle that was missing a big piece in the center. She tried
and tested every piece she came across. None of them fit. The piece is still
missing. She does not know whether she would ever find the piece that would be
good enough. She knows one thing for sure. She has to keep trying. She has
grown enough to accept the void. However, she does not want to stop searching
as of now.
She has many riddles and puzzles to solve now. This is not the
only puzzle. However, even today, when she lies on her bed after an honest day’s
work, the puzzle with the missing piece is the one that tells her that she has
to get up next day. Simultaneously solving other puzzles, she wants to check if
she can find the missing piece someday.
She began with a loss. The loss is still there. She has an
objective to achieve. She has found strength in herself. This definitely is not
happily ever after. As I said, it is a cry—a struggling cry—toward life.
My God lives within and around me. Thus, I would always
direct all my emotions to him. He’s always there.
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